Mother has 'gone mad'

Beenie

My sister died before Xmas leaving me and my mother as the only surviving family. Mother needed lots of help post death. I organised the registrars appointment and death certificate, took mother to the mortuary, organised the funeral, helped recover small amounts of cash from the bank and post office, tried to organise the flat clearance of my deceased sister's rental property and generally behaved like a good and caring sister. I'm not seeking approval, just saying what happened.

Mother is now howling that I interfered, did a lot of busybodying, threw stuff away when clearing out and now no longer wants to communicate with me. This is very hurtful as I was there to help at a very difficult and emotionally traumatic time.

She has been a difficult woman most of her life, and has fallen out with every significant person that I can think of. She has always needed a person to be the 'bogeyman' and whom she can heap insults and blame on - it's tough that I'm that person now.

Sadly, she has made malicious and untrue claims about me - principally about stealing money from my sister's bank account. The account is frozen due to the account holder's death, normal bank procedure but she thinks I've stolen the money. It's still sitting there in the account.

She is 81 and it could be the start of Alzeimers, but I would like to clear this once and for all. I have full records for my own bank account which prove no skulduggery, or mysterious payments received.

Should I contact the Police about her accusations? Or ask the bank to write to her? Has anyone been in this awful position and, if so, what did they do to prove their innocence?

simpywimpy

It could be a normal part of the grieving process and she may calm down and see things clearly. I dont personally feel contacting the police is the way forward. She may be hurting and lashing out in the form of accusations and as you say, this is probably a normal behaviour for her.

Show her the records you have that the monies are still there and let her know what she still needs to do to get it etc then you may have to take a step back and give her chance to accept things.

Good luck x

lincroft1710

Ignore her rants and ravings, the police won't be interested and she will probably claim the bank are in collusion with you.

People like your mother believe what they think is the truth and cannot accept/will not admit they are wrong. She may be suffering from some form of dementia, she may even have a brain tumour, whatever the problem is, her behaviour will never change, just worsen with age.

TBagpuss

I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation for you.

It may be worth seeing whether the bank could write a letter confirming the situation. OR simply provide copy statements showing the position.

Are you an executor, or was your sister's estate too small to need one?

Would you be able to write a letter to your mum, not referring directly to her accusations but setting out briefly what you've done and what is the current situation - e.g what debts/ expenses are still to be paid, what is likely to be left etc. if there was a will, you can explain wht will happen to the money, if not, you can ask her whether she wants you to do anything further or if she wants to take over dealing with the remaining steps.

If you think hr behaviour may be the start of dementia you can raise this with her GP - they won't be able to discuss it with you without her consent, but if the issue is raised,her doctor will be aware you have concerns.

I would not suggest contacting the police - you have a clear paper trail, so in the event your mother tried to make trouble formerly you could prove you've done nothing wrong.

I think if your sister had no will, it would be your mum, not you, who would be first in line as administrator, so if she is now saying she does not want you to take any steps it may be best to return all paperwork etc to her (keeping copies) and not take any further steps unless she explicitly asks you to.

BigAunty

You say she has been difficult all her life and has regularly destroyed personal relationships. There are threads on this forum from people who have experience of narcissistic relatives or ones with various personality disorders. Not diagnosing her, just saying there is a collection of threads where people share their experiences of relatives who demand attention in really bad and persistent ways, very toxic.

Personally, I wouldn't bother with the recommended course of action that you propose to placate her. You didn't talk her into being unreasonable so you can't talk her out of it.

Beenie

My sisters estate was tiny - under £6000 in the post office. I recovered this and paid it to my mother, paper trail shows this clearly. There is another account, balance not known to me, that is frozen. Mother is next-of-kin so she will be the one to sort this out as my sister died without a will. I think my mother will need basic help/advice to access the cash but i am fearful of helping in any way as mother twists things at later stages. This has been typical throughout her life, so it's not me being paranoid. I just want to stop her making untrue, malicious and hurtful accusations. She doesn't accept the truth even when it's posted to her in black and white, and i think that the advice about contacting her GP is a good one to follow. She probably needs help (psychological) but doesn't realise it.

vulpix

Beenie I am sorry for your loss.
Who is your Mother making accusations to? And does it matter?

I had similar with my mil last year when her husband died.I tried to build bridges but she made it impossible.I had to walk away and she is a bitter and lonely 81 yearold.My name is mud but all who know her know what she is like.

I am sorry I cannot be of more help.Vx

Beenie

I feel some sort of obligation as her daughter, mother's only blood relative.

She is toxic, no doubt about that, but that doesn't stop me being hurt and wanting her to stop her bad behaviour/attitude.

If she won't see reason, then I guess I'll have to walk away from the situation but it's very sad for both of us, sad and completely unnecessary.

I suppose I wanted to know what what others would do in my situation so that I can keep a clear conscience when I inevitably break the ties. Thanks for listening.

dzug1

Beenie wrote: »

I feel some sort of obligation as her daughter, mother's only blood relative.

She is toxic, no doubt about that, but that doesn't stop me being hurt and wanting her to stop her bad behaviour/attitude.

If she won't see reason, then I guess I'll have to walk away from the situation but it's very sad for both of us, sad and completely unnecessary.

I suppose I wanted to know what what others would do in my situation so that I can keep a clear conscience when I inevitably break the ties. Thanks for listening.

I think deep down you know she won't - can't, even - change. And that you either have to put up with it or walk away. Or try to 'control' things remotely. Is her nature as obvious to others as to you?


Doesn't make the decision any easier. In a similar (but nowhere near as bad) situation I stayed put.

FatVonD

I can't offer any advice re the accusations but you have my sympathy re having to be the strong one when you may be needing to grieve yourself and also having a difficult mother, I have experience of both those things!

I am currently in charge of my mum's online banking and I print everything out for her and if I've had to transfer stuff from one account to another I take screen grabs before and after and print them for her and draw big arrows with explanations of what went where and why. She has never accused me of anything underhand but I'm aware that as she gets older and more forgetful that could happen so I make sure everything is very clear and transparent.

TrickyWicky

Beenie wrote: »

She has been a difficult woman most of her life, and has fallen out with every significant person that I can think of. She has always needed a person to be the 'bogeyman' and whom she can heap insults and blame on

Beenie,

I have a parent like this and as an only child i can tell you life was a living hell many times - especially when parent wanted to drag me into one of their many scams and would start screaming / shouting / making threats when i resisted.

The best i can tell you is that these people do not change. I'd like to say that it's behaviour that wasn't corrected at your mothers young age but unfortunately in life no matter how good the parenting, some people just seem to have something wrong with them in the head that makes them want to cause trouble. We have a few on this forum hence i've bolded the word some.

The best advice i can give you is to stay out of it. Leave your mother to it otherwise you're going to face all sorts of nasty allegations etc. Stop contact and leave her to it.

I know that sounds harsh and almost wrong but i had to do the same and have had no contact with my parent for many years. Life has been so much easier without them in my life yet they still go round slagging me off at every opportunity - not knowing that i hear of these things and disprove them making my parent look ridiculous

I have a neighbour who sounds like your mum, she'll throw accusations around about anyone who suddenly gets into her sights and will range from ringing the council to the police about the most trivial of things. Nobody will have anything to do with her because she's such a menace to the entire neighbourhood.

Honestly, cut the badness out of your life and life will be a lot easier for you. If your mum wants to put herself into the position of being old and lonely then that really is her problem. Don't agree to anything on condition she behaves etc because the peace will only last as long as convenient for your mother.

Best wishes..