Help.

delain

I split from my ex in September.

Since then he's been making abrupt switches from in-your-face-all-the-time-helpful to pain in the butt....

I eventually stopped him from coming and sitting in the house every evening as I had no space at all so he took my 4 year old to the police with fabricated allegations about the guy I was seeing. Obviously the police saw through this and she was returned home.

Things have been rough for a bit with him generally messing about with people's heads, saying I'm on drugs and drunk all the time (I've no inclination and no idea where I'd even find the money to fund such a lifestyle :rotfl:) And some emtionally manipulative/controlling behaviour on his part.

Now he's got a few health problems and was here in a very emotional state this morning (first time I've let him in in a couple of months) and I think has realised it'd probably be easier not to behave like an idiot (hopefully) as he had plans to have the kids at varying points over easter... Now it's all changed dates wise and leaves me with a minimum of 4 kids all holiday.

Now I lost my temper with him and shouted and accused him of trying to stop me finding a sitter for the remaining 2 as I'd been hoping to escape for a couple of days on my own as I've been finding things really really stressful

He has now offered to take as much as a weeks holiday from work and look after the children at home so I can get away :eek: and my word am I tempted. There's a voice in my head saying 'it's some sort of trap!' so I think if it does go ahead I'm going to ask for us both to sign a solicitor written agreement of how long it's for... Just so he can't phone SS and say I did a runner leaving him with everyone....

What do I do?

TIA.

Seanymph

How many kids do you have, and how many are his?

delain

Seanymph wrote: »

How many kids do you have, and how many are his?

There are 5, the younger 2 are his however we were togther almost 9 years and all the children see him as a father figure, he sees them all regularly and they all enjoy spending time with him now.

tea_lover

He took your 4yr old to the police just to make life difficult for you!? What a charmer!

Can you honestly trust him after that?

delain

tea_lover wrote: »

He took your 4yr old to the police just to make life difficult for you!? What a charmer!

Can you honestly trust him after that?

This is the dilemma!

And also the reason for a solicitor agreement. Also I suspect things may get tricky when he starts wanting to know exactly what I'm doing.

I know everyone will be safe.
I know he's capable of looking after them.
I'm worried in case there's manipulation towards me.
Do I really want to leave him unsupervised in my house?? (not that there's anything interesting to find lol)
Will this undermine everything I've done to put boundaries in place so my home feels mine?
Will he start removing stuff he feels is 'his' whilst I'm gone?

Think I need to have another chat with him :-/

itsanne

delain wrote: »

This is the dilemma!

And also the reason for a solicitor agreement. Also I suspect things may get tricky when he starts wanting to know exactly what I'm doing.

I know everyone will be safe.
I know he's capable of looking after them.
I'm worried in case there's manipulation towards me.
Do I really want to leave him unsupervised in my house?? (not that there's anything interesting to find lol)
Will this undermine everything I've done to put boundaries in place so my home feels mine?
Will he start removing stuff he feels is 'his' whilst I'm gone?

Think I need to have another chat with him :-/

You're mad to even contemplate it.

TBagpuss

Given his track record, I would not under any circumstances leave him unsupervised in my home.

It sends very mixed messages when you have been telling him not to come in (and could be very confusing for the children).

Do you have any family who might be able to help out for a few days?

If not, rather than going away, I would suggest you use the money to pay for a couple of days of activities for the kids so you can have some time to yourself knowing they are safe and having fun.

ChrisJJ

Probably not a good idea to take him up on his offer: would you enjoy your holiday wondering what he was up to whilst you were away, or what his motivations/intentions were?

I agree that it would be sending mixed messages. You've established some boundaries and to go back on them would make him not respect other boundaries you may put in place.

It may even be a 'stick to beat you with' at a later date, if he so desires. I think from his previous behaviour, it's pretty clear you can't trust him to be reasonable.

BigAunty

First he sabotages the original plans to have the kids at easter, then he comes up with a scheme that scares you. How is that not messing with your head or being controlling?

kingfisherblue

delain wrote: »

I split from my ex in September.

Since then he's been making abrupt switches from in-your-face-all-the-time-helpful to pain in the butt....

I eventually stopped him from coming and sitting in the house every evening as I had no space at all so he took my 4 year old to the police with fabricated allegations about the guy I was seeing. Obviously the police saw through this and she was returned home.

Things have been rough for a bit with him generally messing about with people's heads, saying I'm on drugs and drunk all the time (I've no inclination and no idea where I'd even find the money to fund such a lifestyle :rotfl:) And some emtionally manipulative/controlling behaviour on his part.

Now he's got a few health problems and was here in a very emotional state this morning (first time I've let him in in a couple of months) and I think has realised it'd probably be easier not to behave like an idiot (hopefully) as he had plans to have the kids at varying points over easter... Now it's all changed dates wise and leaves me with a minimum of 4 kids all holiday.

Now I lost my temper with him and shouted and accused him of trying to stop me finding a sitter for the remaining 2 as I'd been hoping to escape for a couple of days on my own as I've been finding things really really stressful

He has now offered to take as much as a weeks holiday from work and look after the children at home so I can get away :eek: and my word am I tempted. There's a voice in my head saying 'it's some sort of trap!' so I think if it does go ahead I'm going to ask for us both to sign a solicitor written agreement of how long it's for... Just so he can't phone SS and say I did a runner leaving him with everyone....

What do I do?

TIA.

It's hard bringing up kids on your own. I have three, one with severe disabilities and another being tested for Asperger's Syndrome and juvenile arthritis. My other child (my eldest) went through school refusal after her dad let her down again. It's a bit easier now that they are older, but I've learned to cope after ten years.


I am telling you this because although you might want, or need, time on your own, it sounds as though it would be best to avoid allowing your ex into your life and messing with your head again. I can't imagine contemplating for even a moment allowing my ex to stay in my home. I don't think it is wise for you to let this happen, especially after what he has already done. You say that you have nothing interesting to find. OK, what about bank statements, bills, birth certificates, passports? He could use them if he gets his hands on them. I'm not saying he would, but what about identity theft? Potentially he could take out loans in your name.


He could trash your home, take furniture to the tip, and rip mattresses to 'prove' that you don't look after your children or provide them with a decent home.


He could also leave things in your home. He has already accused you of taking drugs. You would be giving him the opportunity to put drugs into your home, for them to be 'found' at a later date, thus backing up his claims that you take them.


You have five children. Despite your difficulties, you need to protect yourself and your kids. Giving your ex such an opportunity to abuse your trust allows him to control you and to potentially ruin your life, and that of your children, further.


Don't let him do this to you.

delain

kingfisherblue wrote: »

It's hard bringing up kids on your own. I have three, one with severe disabilities and another being tested for Asperger's Syndrome and juvenile arthritis. My other child (my eldest) went through school refusal after her dad let her down again. It's a bit easier now that they are older, but I've learned to cope after ten years.

2 of mine are autistic, one also has ADHD. Not gonna lie, I struggle.

I am telling you this because although you might want, or need, time on your own, it sounds as though it would be best to avoid allowing your ex into your life and messing with your head again. I can't imagine contemplating for even a moment allowing my ex to stay in my home. I don't think it is wise for you to let this happen, especially after what he has already done. You say that you have nothing interesting to find. OK, what about bank statements, bills, birth certificates, passports? He could use them if he gets his hands on them. I'm not saying he would, but what about identity theft? Potentially he could take out loans in your name.

Paper hates me. Even I struggle to prove who I am, birth certificates disappeared years ago and none of us has passports. and my credit rating is so poor even wonga would laugh But I take your point.

He could trash your home, take furniture to the tip, and rip mattresses to 'prove' that you don't look after your children or provide them with a decent home.

Hadn't thought of that. If it were to happen I'd take photos before leaving of everywhere and publicly FB them.

He could also leave things in your home. He has already accused you of taking drugs. You would be giving him the opportunity to put drugs into your home, for them to be 'found' at a later date, thus backing up his claims that you take them.

Very good point, though I don't think he would do this.

You have five children. Despite your difficulties, you need to protect yourself and your kids. Giving your ex such an opportunity to abuse your trust allows him to control you and to potentially ruin your life, and that of your children, further.


Don't let him do this to you.

Thank you, that gave me a lot to think about.

I have no family that could help to any real degree, no. The ones I have are pretty good and do help out quite a bit but there's no one I could give all 5 to for a couple of days. I was trying to sort out varying combinations of sitters for over easter but ex is in hospital and unable to have 'his' 2 on the days I could lose the older ones. It's getting a longer escape than 4-5 hours which i'll inevitably still spend trapped in this house.