1st steps of marriage breakdown

Fen1

My sister and I are very close, but we live opposite ends of the country, so am of very little practical help. We come from a religious background, so the failure of her marriage adds an extra level of guilt and unhappiness. I would absolutely support my sister in whatever she decided, but I'm not so sure about our family: everything seems 'perfect' on the outside. If her husband were unfaithful, abusive, etc it would be different, but our family has no truck with 'feelings'. Neither of us have ever had much emotional support from our family - it was always the case of put-up-and-shut-up - so my sister in particular has never been emotionally 'strong'.


My sister wants to know what her financial situation would be, which I think is an eminently sensible question to ask. One of the reasons she is currently unhappy is that she has no financial independence or control. As I stated previously, her husband has the purse-strings, and despite talking repeatedly about changing the situation, until he actually signs on the dotted line, nothing will happen. He is not being psychologically abusive or cruel - he's just one of these people who nods his head, but the following day - zilch.


Of couse she is frightened about what comes next: her whole life will have to radically change. She has not worked for a long time for various reasons (her own health, caring for elderly family members, repeated house moves - she sorts everything out on her own so her husband basically wakes up in one house and goes to sleep in another). So her confidence is very low and her work skills are now out of date. She does not know whether she has the confidence to get back in the workplace, and what jobs she could get would be pretty basic and pay poorly. SHe does not know on a very practical level how she could start again because she has nothing to fall back on. SHe feels as though the last 10 years of her life have been thoroughly wasted and all she has are a series of failures.

It's very easy for people who may never have been so thoroughly demoralised to make judgements about living in a cushy situation and shock horror, actually having to work. My sister has spent pretty much all of her adult life looking after everyone else (including her sodding in-laws who don't know the half of it), and now realises that if she doesn't get out now she'll be a bitter shell for the rest of her days.

mae

Your post made total sense to me and I think she sounds like she is very much in a rut with her own life as well as her life with her husband if that makes sense? I mean could she do this in baby steps instead of a total change in her life? could she first start by changing her individual life while still with her husband? Could she join a gym, start a course, a hobby etc etc and then see if her life improves and maybe then she will want to stay with her husband and if she doesn't she can leave with some building blocks in place??
You sound very emapthic and I'm sure it helps to have someone like you to talk to even if you do live so far away.
I wish her luck its hard to start again but tell her baby steps often make the best changes instead of huge leaps that leave you felling stranded.

missylou_2

Your sister sounds like a natural born carer. Even if she does not have qualifications in this field she certainly has lived experience. This would be a viable and rewarding career avenue for her.

Please ask her to at least investigate this as we are approaching clearing season and many courses offer funding. She clearly has the aptitude for this kind of work, (health/social care) and IMHO it would be a total waste if her skills/abilities were not developed further.

In addition professional/accademic development would boost her self esteem no end !!!

Fen1

Unfortunately the baby steps approach hasn't really worked. They move around a lot at short notice so it's impossible for her to plan anything more than a couple of months in advance. She would love to do some courses, including retraining courses, but, quite simply, she does not know whether she will be around at the start of the course, let alone the end of it. That's another reason why she's so fed up. The constant insecurity is driving her mad. Her husband has a really well paid job, dependant on his moving, so that's not going to change anytime soon.

Yup, I'm an empath with my sister - we're twins. All the freaky stuff they say about twins is absolutely true. :eek:

enemes

Fen1 wrote: »

We come from a religious background, so the failure of her marriage adds an extra level of guilt and unhappiness.

Quite frankly, with due respects, religion has little to do with it here. It's simpler than that. If she is not happy, and her husband doesn't listen to her wishes, then that is tantamount to emotional and psychological abuse, which isn't as pleasant as physical abuse, but the end results are the same.

Your sister can not be left to feel at blame or guilty if her marriage doesn't work, quite clearly HE is to blame here. What is more important to him, his wife, or his career? The very fact that she is expressing her unhappiness to you, is a sign that she needs out. If she stays in the marriage and things only get worse as she becomes more and more unhappier, then she will only have herself to blame.

I know, words are easy, but things are more complicated than that in reality. Only when she has made HER decision, then she will have to live with it. You only have one life and it is important to make the right decisions when they come along. A relationship can become a habit, but like all bad habits, it has to be kicked at some point.

I've been there myself, and had those worries also about splitting up. I made a big decision, and God, am I glad I did at the time.

whitewing

Hi Fen,

I have not tried it myself, but around our area there are adult learning courses that show people how to value themselves in order to put together a CV (I think the courses are aimed at getting, for example, stay at home mums to understand that the skills they have been using in caring for others, listening, handling issues and suggesting resolutions, are transferable to the workplace.) I think these are often day courses so would suit your sister's current lifestyle, perhaps. It may give her confidence and anyway is unlikely to be a totally wasted experience. Worth looking into perhaps?

HappyG1rl

Fen1 wrote: »

My sister and I are very close, but we live opposite ends of the country, so am of very little practical help.

What about inviting her to stay with you for a while? Maybe if she can then see the difference in your lives she may have the courage to leave her unhappy life behind and start afresh. She could say she is just visiting you for a break.

Could you then put her up until she has a job and able to look to renting her own place?

Primrose

When you say that your sister's husband holds the purse strings, this suggests that she doesn't work and has no independent income of her own. If that is the case, I suggest she takes the bull by the horns and takes advantage of the forthcoming Adult Education Evening or Day classes which start in September, & signs up to take a class such as learning to use a computer, which will give her some skills with with to start earning an income. If they have no children I suspect any divorce settlement would not give her much, if any income from her ex-husband, (apart from proceeds of the house sale) and longer term, she will only get a proportional State Pension on her ex's Nat. Ins. contributions up to the end of the marriage. So she needs a job to pay National Insurance in her own right, to start earning some State Pension for herself and possibly some kind of occupational pension as well if she's not to have an impoverished old age.

Dasnookster

Your sister is in a very difficult situation. When you are in that situation, as I have been (apart from the working bit), you get so low down and lose all confidence and recognition of who you are anymore, that you are frightened to death about what the big outside world will bring. You worry about everything, will I be able to support myself financially, will I spend the rest of my life alone, will my parents go mad about me leaving my marriage (my mum and dad are also the 'you made your bed, you lie in it' sort).

All I can say is that in my case I just one day found the strength, I have no idea where it came from, but something switched in my head and I thought, I've had enough, I am wasting my life. I did have a job, and even though I wasn't on mega bucks I just thought, I don't care - even if I have to rent a tiny bedsit or a room in someones house, I'm going. Something always turns up, no matter how bad things seem, something comes along.

I think, if I were your sister, my first priority would be finding a job. It would give her some money and start to build a bit of confidence for her. You mentioned that she moves around a lot so I think the best thing would be casual work and there is plenty of that sort of work around, particularly at this time of year. If she hasn't had a job for a long time, it will be a big step for her, but I think that is the key to it. Get a job, get some money and a bit of confidence back, I think it will start a chain of events for her as she may then get the confidence to leave as she will know she has some means of supporting herself.

Its an awful situation to be in and I hope that she finds the strength as soon as poss.

mae

You say she can't do a course or get a job because her husband moves with his job. Is it possible for her to refuse to move next time? This would give her some time to start some short courses.