1st steps of marriage breakdown

Fen1

Have had sister on phone ( again ) on unhappiness in marriage, and doesn't know what to do. She wants to leave, but is financially tied to her husband - he has the purse-strings - and doesn't know where to go for the best advice on how to extricate herself. The marriage has been in the doldrums for years, rather than a case of violence, affairs etc. They've tried talking, but nothing changes. SHe feels that if she doesn't leave now, another 10 years of her life will disappear.

WHat are the things she needs to do to get a plan of action to extricate herself, and to put herself in the best situation financially?

They have no children.

Emmzi

Has she talked to him abut it, and what does he think? It may be possible to do it all amicabley with very little cost if he feels the same.

First thing is to write down all the finances - joint assets, what's his, what's hers, all the debts.

Then go see CAB or a solicitor.

However she also needs to realise you can't put s price on mentsal health. Sometimes walking away and leaving it all is the best thing to do.

Fen1

That's pretty much as I've told her. Thank you for replying.

mae

Does your sister work? Does she have children? This will all affect any benefits she may be entitled to.

Its a hard thing for her to do but it sounds like in the long run it will be better for the both of them.

ben500

Fen1 wrote: »

Have had sister on phone ( again ) on unhappiness in marriage, and doesn't know what to do. She wants to leave, but is financially tied to her husband - he has the purse-strings - and doesn't know where to go for the best advice on how to extricate herself. The marriage has been in the doldrums for years, rather than a case of violence, affairs etc. They've tried talking, but nothing changes. SHe feels that if she doesn't leave now, another 10 years of her life will disappear.

WHat are the things she needs to do to get a plan of action to extricate herself, and to put herself in the best situation financially?

They have no children.

If they have no children then why on earth should she expect any financial support from her ex?

kj*daisy

She would still be entitled to her share of the matrimonial assets.

enemes

Hi

The good thing is that she has someone to confide with, you. The bad thing is that she has put you in a no win situation. No matter what sisterly advice you can give her, the ultimate decision has to lie with her. I know, she may not be in a situation to make constructive decisions, but she has to be the one who does, basically so can't blame anyone for making the wrong choices.

I was in that position once, trapped, isolated and very unhappy. It was only once I got out of it that my friends and family started to say "if I had told you, you wouldn't have believed me anyway".

I was suffering depression, and my doc referred me to a counsellor, and it was only then that I started to see things as they were. Perhaps thats an option for your sis ... professional help. It is all very well being a family member, but what she needs is an objective and unbiased outlook.

If she decides that she wants out, then do all the planning then ... stash away what cash she can and leave when it is right to do so. Just being in controll will give her a new lease of life. It sounds as if he is happy the way things are, and doesn't really take into account her feelings which is a good enough reason to get out. There may be no external factors here, (violence, third party tec) but there may be some psychological abuse.

Hope that it works out for her, as it did for me, and I am only glad that I did what I did for my sake and that of my children. Good Luck.

sammy_kaye18

Fen1 - i feel for your sister - i am in the same situation although we are not married we have been together for 5 years and no amount of talking ever changes anything.ive just this second been onto the entitledto website and found out 'roughly' how much i would be entitled to if i left. Now it is just down to planning then getting it through to boyfriend. He always jokes well if your unhappy leave and i always think no this flat is my home too (its rented but still home) now i want to save up money and actually go - i want ot take our son with me and give him a better life than the one he has now - watchign his mother being verbally abuse on a regular basis - i dont want this for the next 5 years. Will you please Let you sister know im thinking of her and i wish her the best of luck

TheWaltons_3

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

Fen1 - i feel for your sister - i am in the same situation although we are not married we have been together for 5 years and no amount of talking ever changes anything.ive just this second been onto the entitledto website and found out 'roughly' how much i would be entitled to if i left. Now it is just down to planning then getting it through to boyfriend. He always jokes well if your unhappy leave and i always think no this flat is my home too (its rented but still home) now i want to save up money and actually go - i want ot take our son with me and give him a better life than the one he has now - watchign his mother being verbally abuse on a regular basis - i dont want this for the next 5 years. Will you please Let you sister know im thinking of her and i wish her the best of luck

You have a child but you are doing right by putting him first. A part-time Daddy is better than a full time abusive Daddy.

Well done for being strong. :T

sarymclary

Without children, the only ties your sister has are on a financial/property basis. You didn't give much info re. this, but I'll assume that she also works, and that they have a joint mortgage, and therefore a property.

If she has an income, and wants to simply move out of the home, but is without any savings to afford a bond on a rental, then why not get her to take out a small loan on a low interest rate to tide her over for now. I would presume that in the future the marital home would be sold, or she would be given her share of it's equity if he bought her out, and that would clear this loan anyway. If she is unable to get a loan, can her family help her out?

Unless this has been a very long marriage, where she has been supported most of her adult life by her husband, she would be expected to work and support herself in the future after the end of the marriage, and could not expect to receive a maintenance payment from him (this, i was told, is now only paid in very wealthy divorces).

As I see it, she is in the very fortunate position of not having to consider anyone else apart from herself, and the world is her oyster. I think you need to ask her to ask herself how she could get herself out of this situation, and perhaps suggest ways she could afford to do it, but I get the feeling that she may be reluctant to leave behind a lifestyle that her husband supports? That lifestyle will end along with the marriage, but who knows how much better life could be as a result?

If she doesn't want to give up the financial dependency, suggest Relate for some marriage counselling instead.

Best of luck to her, whatever she decides.

JillD_2

Hi
10 years ago I left an unhappy marriage, it was asyou describe your sister's, in the doldrums, nothing terrible happened but after conseling it was obvious (to me anyway) that we would have just existed with each other and not really been happy so I made the decision to leave. We had no children and not many joint assets - a house, an endowment policy, a car. No savings (they had all gone on the house deposit). We both worked full time.

I went to stay with a friend for a few weeks - this was invaluable because it gave me some space to decide if what I'd done was right, and also to look for somewhere else to rent to live. I think though that leaving the matrimonial home puts her at some immediate disadvantage so she should seek legal advice on this before leaving (see below). I honestly can't remember if I stopped maying my share of the mortgage at that point. I must have done because I wouldn't have been able to afford mortgage and rent.

I went to see a solicitor who offered a free clinic where you got 30 minutes of free advice - very useful - and they advised what my options were from that point forward. Again I can't remember what they said at that stage re assets etc but to cut a long story short my ex was very bitter, he left a lot of guilt inducing messages on my mobile, yet cancelled meetiog we set up to discuss things, always calling me with sarky comments and harrassing me at work etc. I think he was in denial over the whole thing. Anyway even without many financial assets and with no children it was immensely stressful. I have never gone through anything so hideous.

So rather than turn it into an argument about money I walked away with pretty much nothing. I let him have my share of the house and the car. He agreed to let me put the endowment policy back in my name as it had oringially been mine before we got married anyway so I had paid the lion;s share into it anyway, and I kept a lot of the furniture as I moved into an unfurnished rented place and he moved in with a friend. It took 3 years to get a divorce which was also expensive.

However, at the end of it all I was able to start again on my own, I bought a new house with my own money, I found a new partner, we have now been married for 5 years and are expecting our 3rd baby (fast work!). Life is wonderful for me now, There is no comparison between that other marriage and this fantastic one. It doesnt have tobe a humdrum existence, she doesnt have tojust survive each day. Being pregnant with 2 small children to look after, a husband who works long hours,. no family nearby and an ill Dad does not make for an easy life at the moment but I am still infinite amountd happier than I was with my ex.

I wouldn't underestimate how unpleasant it can be, to get a divorce before 5 years you have to be prepared to explain why the marriage broke down and this can be pretty nasty seeing in black and white what a judge will accept as irreconcilable differences.

I don't know what the point of this is except to say that leaving was the right thing for me, it can work, and if she chooses that path she can pick herself up again and build a happier life for herself.

She is very lucky to have you to confide in.
Jill