Renovations and Repayments.

dawnybabes

Can you imagine 20 years in the future if your son spent every Xmas with his in laws and didn’t see you on Xmas day ? This is what you are expecting your wife to do.

Normally people alternate - your parents once again are being very very selfish

newgirly

You haven't misread it. My mother isn't happy with the idea of us staying there for no other reason than we're staying with the in-laws in their property and father isn't happy because he wanted us to be with them from Christmas eve to 2nd January. He's convinced himself he won't live to see another Christmas / year - I don't think that's the case but he is now living on this presumption. This leads mother to her "how dare you be so disrespectful...", "the amount of money we've spent on you..." and "...must be the influence of Mrs. K.('s family)" rants because I apparently "don't care" and "won't be there to look after them" now they are getting older.[/QUOTE]

Wow that is super controlling and very manipulative, so basically their needs are more important than yours, your wife's and even your son's?

Think I would be waving goodbye on Boxing Day for a week or so

AlexLK

Karmacat wrote: »

Good grief, Alex, the **rants** you put up with! I've never had to do that, but I've had my share of hassle in other ways, and Captain Awkward changed my life, very much for the better.

Live Long And Prosper, Alex, Mrs K and your son

Thank you, karmacat.

I think I should take more advice from Captain Awkward.

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

Stay strong Alex
You had moved away from the parental expectations ..... Do not go back there

Thank you, Debs. Yes, I've moved away. Still going to the in-laws and staying over, still spending the rest of the Christmas holiday elsewhere and some time at home.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

So you've never had a Christmas dinner with them or spent the whole day there, but have done one or both of those with your parents every year?

I don't think your father in law is being unreasonable at all. I think its a shame you aren't willing to consider his request.

Anyway, I'm pleased to see you feeling happier and more optimistic about the future, I hope you and MrsK and LittleK all have a lovely time together over Christmas, whichever members of the extended family you are with!

Red Squirrel, we have spent the whole day there once before our son was born. There was a lot of tension between my in-laws and I for a long time, they really didn't like me and thought I was the wrong person for their daughter. Looking back I wasn't very nice to them. Things are a lot better between them and I now. For nearly five years during my 20s I spoke to my parents twice: once to tell them I was getting married and on my wedding day so not always spent Christmas day with my parents.

On a more positive note I do think there are things to look forward to and I'm looking forward to 2018.

Karmacat

AlexLK wrote: »

On a more positive note I do think there are things to look forward to and I'm looking forward to 2018.

:j:j:j Lovely! You go for it - live your own life.

As a certain TV programme told us, Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. Kirk never said it, but Spock did

AlexLK

dawnybabes wrote: »

Can you imagine 20 years in the future if your son spent every Xmas with his in laws and didn’t see you on Xmas day ? This is what you are expecting your wife to do.

Normally people alternate - your parents once again are being very very selfish

I know it's not the best situation. We have invited them and my brother-in-law and his family but they refuse.

My parents are and have always been selfish, I don't think that will ever change.

newgirly wrote: »

Wow that is super controlling and very manipulative, so basically their needs are more important than yours, your wife's and even your son's?

Think I would be waving goodbye on Boxing Day for a week or so

You've got it, they come first. Always has been the case. Both are very driven to get what they want; father not so much now so I'm not convinced he's trying to manipulate anyone - just terrified of the future. This likely sounds crazy but I really hope my son grows up to have a marriage like theirs. They've risked everything together and conquered everything together, a true team. I can't say its been like that for me despite growing to think that is what would happen. So far as my parents are concerned my marriage is a complete sham. However good things are between Mrs. K. and I we'll never have that bond.

daisy_1571

AlexLK wrote: »

My parents are and have always been selfish, I don't think that will ever change.

This likely sounds crazy but I really hope my son grows up to have a marriage like theirs. They've risked everything together and conquered everything together, a true team. I can't say its been like that for me despite growing to think that is what would happen. So far as my parents are concerned my marriage is a complete sham. However good things are between Mrs. K. and I we'll never have that bond.

Maybe not, but look at the price you and others have paid for that bond. And even with that bond they don't seem able to be independent of the rest of the world judging by how much they 'need' you and your lad to be there when it suits them.

Is it worth asking them how they managed when they were first married seeing their own parents? Just in a chatty way and perhaps you will gain an insight into their thinking when they were your age. Perhaps they will too. Plus you could remind them it's good manners to spread your time equally between both sides of that family over the few days around Xmas. Manners (or their version of manners at least) seem to be important to them.

Enjoy whatever you do

Daisy xx

AlexLK

Thank you, Daisy.

They want a family when it suits them.

Christmas wasn't an issue for my parents. My father left his parents' home as a teenager and never returned. They didn't speak and I was fed a pack of lies about his family / upbringing for most of my childhood because he was so ashamed. Recently he's wanted to talk and we did drive to / by the house he grew up in. Father holds a lot of regret about complete cutting himself off from his family as apparently they weren't bad people, just didn't live up to his ideals. Mother kept contact with her family but they spent Christmas on their own as she had a strained relationship with her father. They only started seeing my aunt and uncle when I was born because it was somewhere 'safe' to leave me as a child before I went to school and when not at school.

Hope you have a good Christmas too.

daisy_1571

Alex, it sounds so ironic that he regrets so much of his past yet simply is unable to see that he has the power to change the present moment and all his future present moments and be telling you to enjoy every minute of time with you have with your family of 3 plus wider family of both sides. You would think that's the logical step to all this endless bewailing of his own life choices and regretting not spending more of his own time with you and with his own family members.

It appears true what they say,nobody on their deathbed says they wished they had spent more time at the office (I appreciate your mother sounds about the closest likely to say this :rotfl:)

Dxx

AlexLK

Daisy, my father has changed a lot lately. His health problems have caused a shift in his personality and I don't think logic really comes into it. My mother and I are the only ones to sit and listen to him.

:rotfl: I wouldn't be surprised if my mother said that.

Karmacat

Oh Alex ... such a lot of pain in your family. That's wonderful that your father is managing to change late in the day - I'm glad of it.

Hope you're doing okay.