How Can I Pretend To Be a Responsible Mother?

[Deleted User]

I have had years of staying in a relationship with a man who frightened my older son. We have split up.

I am a carer for my older son, who has ASD. This has involved years of sleeplessness. And every so often I get stressed/depressed and suicidal. I haven't done anything for years.., but it has happened.

My LL wants to sell the house we are living in. I am on benefits, difficult to get houses here as a benefit recipient, more tenants than properties. So was facing homelessness. Told by council would end up in B&B miles from here. Difficult to get both sons to school/college. This led to another little breakdown.

Was given a mental Health Social worker, who referred me to someone in their team who deals with housing. Suddenly getting housing (without going into B&B) is possible. Best new ever, and yet I felt more anxious somehow. Still going to cost money but determined to find a way. But generally still feeling increasingly stressed.

Then today, after months of not being able to afford to have my hair done, I decided to go to a cheap wait til you're done place. Waited an hour, getting more stressed. I have every reason to give up smoking, but because of the stress levels, haven't managed it, keep trying but havent managed it yet. Went outside for a cigarette, didn't want to move from the door because I might lose my place and got caught by a zero tolerance litter team (no bins close, I did look but its no excuse). Completely freaked, panic attack, gave him my bus pass, said my address was findable through that (LA bus pass cause of my various problems) and walked off. Completely made an idiot of myself.

Now I feel how the HELL can I pretend to be a mother if I can't cope with a situation completely of my own making. I've called my ex freaking out, left messages for the social worker freaking out.., and then I go and collect my eight year old at 3pm. How?

Oh god, what kind of a mess am I? Why oh why am I so useless I need all this 'support'. What kind of a parent can I possibly be?

Sorry, ranting. I don't expect anyone to say anything other than 'how can you afford to smoke' (I can't, very very aware of that but I still do it).

My poor kids, I'm all they've got. What a prize.

BigAunty

As far as I can see, you've received a modest civil admonishment for a minor issue.

Yes, you over-reacted, but I can't see why your mini-freakout automatically makes you a bad mother.

Contact the organisation directly to arrange to pay your fine and apologise for your behaviour. You will feel better once you've been proactive on this, rather than passive or reactive.

Go and collect your kid from school as normal.

Stop conflating one minor issue with a completely different aspect of your life.

Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. No-one is going to take your kids off you because you may owe payment on a minor civil penalty.

ChrisJJ

Sounds like you have so much going on at the moment, it's not surprising you're so stressed. And perhaps now is not the best time to be considering giving up smoking anyway, given the pressure you're under, though you obviously intend to.

Please don't be so hard on yourself: you're NOT 'pretending' to be a responsible mother, you ARE a mother who's doing the absolute best she can for herself and her children. Needing the support does not mean you're useless, it means that like many people, you're struggling. And everybody needs support from time to time.

It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot and please try to accept any support you can without any guilt or shame whatsoever, because ultimately, with luck, you'll find yourself in a much stronger place because of it.

I wish you all the best x

duchy

It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

You have a heck of a lot to deal with........ a forced home move , recovering from leaving an abusive relationship as well as the day to day stress of parenthood with the added zinger of ASD in the mix which alone is massively stressful at times (I have the t shirt for that one - I know).

And yes you are a prize a smashing one- you kept your family going through difficult times - and you finally snapped - Not by beating the kids or putting them in care ....but by shouting at a council worker who probably gets shouted at a dozen times a day by the public. Whilst not ideal -in the big picture it could have been a lot worse !!

How about you give yourself a bit of credit -we are all human and sometimes we get it right -and sometimes we don't but if you weigh it all up you are doing a good job so focus on the good.

As for the smoking....Feh - you aren't getting drunk or taking illegal drugs - When things are settled you can give quitting a go then -It's a bit pointless to try when you are already under pressure with moving. Be kinder to yourself and set reasonable targets. Perfection is VERY overated !! <hug>

thorsoak

You are doing your best, you can't do any more - and each and every mother is pretending to be the best mother in the world - we are all winging it!

Just breathe! You're doing fine - you've spoken up and got the necessary help that you needed when you needed it. When things are calmer, you will be able to give up smoking - but this isn't the time to put additional pressure on yourself x

heartbreak_star

Some awesome advice above. Not sure I have anything to add, but after reading your posts on various threads I think you're really strong for everything you've been and are going through!

Big hugs.

HBS x

[Deleted User]

Thank you so much. You are so very kind.

I honestly didn't shout at him, I just sort of cried, couldn't breath and shook. Tried to explain but couldn't. He did try to calm me down but every time I talked it got worse. All I could think was how do I pay this £75 back on top of everything else but I will.

Just feel rather ashamed.., I should have coped better, other people cope with far worse. Just wanted to look better, I look terrible, and it does sort of make you actually look like you aren't coping. I hardly go out anymore. I knew I wasn't feeling so good today but thought this would help.., with making me feel like a human being again.

Not buying any more tobacco. I've halved what I used so its justifiable punishment for being so stupid.

fairy_lights

deannatrois wrote: »

Just feel rather ashamed.., I should have coped better, other people cope with far worse. Just wanted to look better, I look terrible, and it does sort of make you actually look like you aren't coping. I hardly go out anymore. I knew I wasn't feeling so good today but thought this would help.., with making me feel like a human being again.

You had a panic attack, nothing to be ashamed about.
I know what you mean about feeling more together when you're looking better but don't be too hard on yourself.
Do you have any mobile hairdressers in your area who could come to your house to do your hair for you? They're often cheaper than salons and if your finding it a bit difficult to get out at the moment it might be easier than having to wait in line somewhere.

duchy

I find often a backstreet hairdresser is cheaper (and more relaxed) than the chains where you sit and wait. Otherwise your local college if it does hairdressing will have a salon with appointments for the public cheap.

It's very easy to go nowhere when you are under stress. At the moment I tend to scurry to the local shops and back and it really isn't mentally healthy for me I know. I'm trying to have a walk every day -even if it is just round the block to get me out and give me some headspace.

[Deleted User]

Yes, thank you, that has occurred to me. This hairdressers is cheap but its a bit challenging to go to so I get a bit stressed. The stylists can be a bit difficult. I would be better off with mobile one who I can get to know. Gawd I am so useless cause anyone getting to know me frightens me too! What a chump.

Thank you, I'm coming out of it a bit now. Still horrified at the performance I made. Was supposed to collect my son from college cause he's doing a late tonight so will now be quite expensive. But such is life.

ChasingButterflies

Hi deannatrois,

I have always been known (by the few who are close to me) as a fighter who can get through anything (mainly because I have, had to) but towards the end of December I just found that I was so sick of "fighting" everything was "dark" for want of a better description... I eventually went to see my GP, I would advise you to do the same... and also to be kind to yourself. You are doing your best, you can't expect anymore from yourself, punishing yourself really won't help anyone, and you don't deserve to be punished.

Best wishes x