Elderly Man With Dementia Advice Please

bluelass

A relative of my hubby's lives next door to a elderly couple the man is in his late 70s possibly early 80s. He is bad on his feet and looks like he could be ill his eyes and face look like they have a yellow tinge to them. He has been knocking on their door often very late at night asking them to phone him a taxi to the pub and asking them to make him a meal this is the early hours so he is getting them out of bed when they have to be up for workand its been happening at weekends too. They have approached his wife to no avail she is in denial and last weekend one of his sons called to see the man and his wife so our relative approached him as he was leaving only to be told to mind their own. Our relative is dubious about calling social services as they don't want to be held responsible for him being sent to a care home but cant have this happening plus he looks illand his driving them mad knocking them up late. What could they do?

DUTR

Mind their own as the sons have already told them.
The door knocks after bed hours just leave it and don't answer it.

Torry_Quine

I think that calling up social services is good idea, even if a care home were deemed to be the best situation it wouldn't be your relative's fault. the family are obviously in denial and it's hard to ignore someone who you can see is not well knocking at your door.

Robinette

Losing perception of time is a classic symptom of dementia...my mum used to go to the hairdressers at 2am in the morning and wash her car in the middle of the night! You could contact the Mental Health Foundation or Alzheimer's Society for advice; the latter also has an excellent forum.

AlwaysAllie

Robinette wrote: »

Losing perception of time is a classic symptom of dementia...my mum used to go to the hairdressers at 2am in the morning and wash her car in the middle of the night! You could contact the Mental Health Foundation or Alzheimer's Society for advice; the latter also has an excellent forum.

Having attended a Dementia Awareness training this week I agree that this is a classic sign and second that the Alzheimers website is an excellent resource.

AA

Mr_Toad

DUTR wrote: »

Mind their own as the sons have already told them.
The door knocks after bed hours just leave it and don't answer it.

I think this advice is heartless and potentially dangerous for the man concerned.

Also it is very unlikely he will stop, in fact it will probably get worse.

Both my parents have/had dementia and it's a terrible disease.

Please don't get angry at the man in question, he really can't help it, the fact that his family are in obvious denial is also adding to his suffering/anxiety.

It would be a fairly simple thing for his wife to lock the door and put the key somewhere he couldn't get it but she'd have to acknowledge the problem first.

People with dementia are often frightened as well as confused and need help.

Please do call someone, either call social services, the Alzheimer's Soc. or Age concern or all three.

They won't be responsible for him going into a home, in fact these days Social Services will do almost everything to keep people out of homes, unless they are self funding, due to the cost. I would even go as far as saying that they might even struggle to get Social Services involved, they are usually seriously over worked and under staffed.

Another alternative is to call the police when he knocks and explain to them what's happening and that you're concerned for his safety as he is obviously ill.

poppy10_2

Call social services. You don't want to ignore the knock and then find a dead old man on your doorstep in the morning. It happens. The guy needs help, and he's not getting it from his family.

Mojisola

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Please do call someone, either call social services, the Alzheimer's Soc. or Age concern or all three.

Another alternative is to call the police when he knocks and explain to them what's happening and that you're concerned for his safety as he is obviously ill.

This is good advice - express concerns for his welfare rather than annoyance at being disturbed by him.

One of my friends was in a similar position - she went to see the local GP and explained that they were worried because he kept turning up at their house, asking about what tablets he should be taking and shoving a bagful at her, and asking whether he'd had his dinner today, etc.

The GP just listened (obviously he couldn't discuss the man) but he then got the ball rolling with the necessary referrals.

enthusiasticsaver

Dementia often means that sufferers lose all grasp of time and it certainly sounds like this man is having problems. The wife and family need to get to grips with this as he could end up wandering the streets and not know where he is which could be dangerous.


I think that your hubbys relatives need to talk to the family again and say they are worried about him and if they will not get some advice they will be asking the local doctor or social services to get in touch to see if they need help. Alternatively the wife needs to lock the door at night so he cannot go wandering about.

jp1964

Please do contact someone, either Age Concern or the Alzheimers Society or social services, initially for advice.

I don't know if it would be a good idea to speak to the son or the wife again, I guess they could ask if there is anything they can do to help out, as a way of getting the family to realise that you are not just being nosey or interfering. Befriending people in a heartbreaking and worrying situation might not be seen so much as an interference, especially if they make it clear that they don't want to tread on any toes, but just wanted to offer a bit of support and back up.

He is in danger of wandering off, and getting hurt, if he is very confused he could wander into the road and cause an accident, something needs to be done.

If this man's wife is in denial, or even if deep down she is not, she is probably underneath it all very frightened, possibly even embarrassed at her husband's behaviour, especially if it is disturbing neighbours, and perhaps does not know where to turn for help, your hand of friendship could mean that they finally get the support that they need and deserve. The son is probably just as worried, and perhaps might be very scared that his dad will be put in a care home if they ask for help as well as being worried about his mum and how she is coping, they simply don't do that unless absolutely necessary, there is help available and respite care and support in the home, not only for the person with dementia, but his wife as well.

My FIL had vascular dementia, diagnosed at only age 57, and because he was otherwise fit and well, it was hard for people to understand his condition.When he went into respite care for the first time, to allow my MIL to have a break, he somehow managed to walk out with one of the visitors, because he looked so fit, MIL always ensured that he looked smart, and being relatively young to have the condition, he just went out for a walk, and was found, very confused and distressed, by a member of the public, he simply didn't know where he was.

That member of the public made sure that he was safe, reassured him and got him help, making his ordeal a lot shorter and less stressful than it could have been (not to mention MIL and the rest of the family!), they also probably prevented him from getting hurt or finding himself in a further upsetting or dangerous situation that he couldn't handle.

Your relative doesn't need to get really involved with it all on a day to day basis to be of assistance, just letting their neighbours know that they care and are concerned and offering if nothing else a friendly ear could be the catalyst for this family realising they need a bit more support.

bunty109

Please call social services. They really won't want to put him in a home and there's so much that can be done such as telecare to alert the wife if he's gone out or some care calls to help her out. There's so much support that can be offered.