Partner with debt - getting worse.....

enthusiasticsaver

One other thing that has often been noted is that in a partner situation there is often one person who takes responsibility for the budgeting, paying bills, building up savings and the other almost abdicates responsibility for that.


Myself and my OH have been guilty of that. I was brought up to believe that borrowing was bad, I worked in a bank and my OH although he has always had a good job has just spent regardless of what was in the bank account and assumed it was there. We had many disagreements in the early years of our marriage over this particularly when I left work to have our daughters and I eventually went back to work as I could not cope with the grief of having no money and a partner who just spent regardless of whether the money was in the account.


Eventually I took over total control of the money although it was still all in joint accounts and agreed on a personal spend budget for my husband which was small years ago but now we are more financially secure it has gone up and then I gave it to him in cash at the start of each week and he got better at managing money. He was happy with that and it avoided all the confrontations we had up to that point. It sounds a bit like treating him as a child but it meant I could budget without him messing it up by spending without checking if it had been accounted for. Big spends we discussed together and never bought anything over £50 without talking it over first - the limit has gone up now though. Would your girlfriend be prepared for that or do you not feel you would want to take that over and I totally understand if you would not?

FBaby

She really is so lucky to have you. Not only are you giving her a chance, but you are doing so by giving her all the support you could possibly give her. If she can't make a change with such support of a loving partner, then what chance has she got.

I really really hope for you that she will realise that this her chance to really break away from it all and learnt new ways that wil ultimately make her so much happier. Unfortunately, some people no matter how much you try to help them can't get out of the bad habits, a bit like an addiction. I sincerely hope it won't come down to that, but please, if she doesn't make proper progress and start to really appreciate that she needs to make changes, rather than just doing things that you tell her to do to keep you quiet, then don't waste your time as the more you invest in the relationship, the harder it will be to let it go.

gfplux

You said in your first post the utility's are in her name.
Just be alive to the fact that paying these might "slip her mind"
Good luck. It can be a long and difficult road helping someone who over spends.

pineconesjay

Has she shredded the cards yet?

If she isn't 100% focused on paying off her debt (and it doesn't sound like she is yet, it still looks like the main motivation is keeping you happy) then having the cards 'safe' in the house is too tempting.

If you're absolutely committed to paying off debt, you wouldn't keep a card 'just in case', would you?

Pixie5740

Being annoyed or even angry is fine in your situation. I would be. Your girlfriend is giving out mixed signals. On one hand she wants you to come up with a solution and on the other she gets very defensive when you do.

I know some couples work when one takes complete control of the finances and essentially gives the other one pocket money. If it works for them, great but I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

Karen777

hello. good luck with this, I agree with the others that she hasn't quite had her lbm yet. Otherwise I suspect she would be more terrified than defensive and desperate to work something out. and sadly, you can't have that for her... hope you and she can work together on this. I would definitely let her look at stepchange website - and maybe let her look at it by herself (she may already be doing so actually) and see if that helps her realise there is a way out that is manageable.

banana86

Thanks all.

In response: I think I will need to revisit 'this process is easy to fix' side of things. She is going to need support so I'm checking in to find out what things are going on in the 'action plan' we wrote. I agree that it feels like I'm treating her like a child/taking her freedoms away (when ultimately it is her own money) but I explained that financial security is important to me and we're going to need to be able to talk openly about things.

In one way it is easy to fix but in another it is also lifestyle etc. Like not spending more than you have or saving up wherever possible for big buys.

Regards to taking things over: I have already taken a lot over. Mortgage, council tax, TV licence, TV package, house insurance, all in my name. I do all the food shops and plan the meals etc. I have bought all the new furniture and new furnishings for the house. She has helped with some odd jobs around the house that we needed doing.

I think it will be too much to take these other bills from her as I think she wants to feel 'in control' and she's worried that I'm not reliant on her in anyway. I said that reliance is in different forms and not always financial, and she is my emotional support.

I agree, I've worked out that the major debts will hopefully be paid off by 18 months time (that is the ones on high interest) if things are strict. But I am imagining some set backs along the way.

I will revisit the issue about the cards next month because it's not in the plan for this month so we'll talk about then.

Yes I will need to see how it goes, I agree that I can't keep being made to feel bad about trying to help. She is upset today because we had talked for a number of months about her handing in her notice. This was before I knew the debt had gone up so much. And so had to revisit these things.

Will have a look at the Stepchange site as well.

I will keep you updated about how things are going. I hope things will get better.

triple_choc_chip

I feel for you, I lived 2 decades with someone who was reckless with money and viewed overdraft/ credit card limits as targets. Ultimately it split us up and of the £33k plus interest that I paid off to become debt free, £24k had been lent to him in times of (his) need to meet repayments. 10 years after the split and I'm almost back to where I was in about 1998 and with only 10 years until retirement I shall live to rue my life choices for ever, probably.

One query? If you were not partners would she be resigning from the job to claim benefits and a LA property instead? It seems to me that she has assumed she can be out of work because you will house, feed and sustain her? If you were married and she was made redundant then fair enough but are you up for that commitment before you've popped the question? To sulk and make you feel guilty because you now suggest resigning may not be a wise move is manipulative.

I'm sure she is a lovely person but..... she has you down as a soft touch in the same way that daughters quickly learn to tap their Dads for everything they want. I think you will find it hard to cultivate an equal partnership but you seem caring and I wish you luck.