Partner with debt - getting worse.....

banana86

Hello


Feeling down about recent news about my partner's debt.


We only recently moved in together. Prior to us moving in I had found that she was in debt. This came to light when I was abroad and she was booking a holiday to see and could not afford it. At this time, I loaned her the money (this was about 18months - 2 years ago). I did realise at the time, from past experience this was a loan that might not get paid back.


I did ask to see all details of her debt at the time and she made an agreement with herself that she would aim to clear the highest sets of debts first then clear the remainder.


We have now moved in together. I bought the house and as I am in a stronger financial position, took on much of the house costs.


She has offered me money towards household costs. I advised her that I only wanted what she could afford and we would work something out. We moved in about 2 months ago. She told me about a week or so ago that she felt we needed to come to an agreement about how much I wanted a month towards costs as she felt useless that she was not able to contribute much.


I raised the issue of debt again with her and asked to sit down and go through everything again. This resulted in a great deal of awkwardness and delays. I have to say, I was pestering her as she had raised it as a point to me and wanted to get things sorted out.


She sent the information (that is a couple of months behind) and from what I can things have got a lot worse. Debt has mushroomed to more than 1 and half what it was previously.


I tried to talk to her about this and she got very defensive and closed up. She said she wanted me to email her the options as I had suggested we needed to work together to get through this.


I said the first approach was to leave things as they are, keep paying the utilities that are in her name and pay x a month. The second approach was much more radical and would involved drastically reducing outgoings and reducing debt costs etc.


We hadn't spoken about this in about 5 days. I bought it up today as I had said that I wanted to know what she thought. She again, got very defensive and said that she could not change everything that quickly and was putting her cards in a safe place in the house so she wouldn't spend on them. And was getting used to the idea of not having any money for the next 12 month to 18 months.


I said I could see I was exerting a lot of pressure and was sorry for upsetting her.


At the same time, I feel like I'm in a bit of a hiatus with no real clear boundaries and don't really know how to approach the issue again. I am feeling quite down about it all and hope we can work it out. I feel that things are tense and don't know how to move on.

sourcrates

Oh dear, doesn't sound like a very firm footing for a relationship to me !!
You really do need to sit down together and organise a proper budget, disclosing all debts and min repayments etc
Otherwise your on a hiding to no were.

If she can't be honest with you now, the future does not look promising !!

andyfromotley

Sorry but you need to stop feeling guilty about this and insist that talks openly and properly about her financial situation. She may feel defensive about it but thats tough. If she wanted her finances to be strictly her business she shouldn't have moved in with you, she did so its fair game.

Opposing views on financial matters is one of the biggest causes of splits in relationships.

Blackpool_Saver

Stop apologsing for doing what you should do. If I had my time over again I would be a lot firmer with partners

Sazzie23

Facing debt is very confronting, but she needs to do it for herself as much as you.

I think you are trying to help as much as you can, but maybe she needs outside help too. Even if you are not being judgemental,inside it feels like you are being judged when in her position.

She obviously wants to contribute to your household,,and not be a taker.
Maybe see if she would try the Stepchange debt remedy, it certainly changed my life for the better.

Pixie5740

The good news is that you now know about the debt, it might not feel like good news but it's all out in the open now.

It's not really down to you to come up with the options though. It's down to your girlfriend to take ownership and come up with a way forward.

She should, as Sazzie23 has suggested, use the Step Change debt remedy tool.

It would also be beneficial for her to put together a statement of affairs. It's important the soa is honest and accurate.

http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Those credit cards don't need to go in a safe place. They need to be destroyed.

Her debt probably comes down to poor budgeting. So perhaps she could look at using some budgeting software. I'm a big fan of YNAB although I know others like Money Dashboard and some like to make up their own spreadsheets.

in_need_of_direction

Can you be sure she will stay on top of the utility payments?

On_my_way

Hi

Firstly, I have been in a similar situation in way- as I have debt and I told my bf straight away - I think on the first day we ever met actually! He knows exactly how much and why I don't have much money.

The good news though is that he can see that I am paying it off and not spending money on useless things.

You should recommend this forum to her and both look into ways to save money so that she can pay off much more of her debts.

I know it is stressful for you but it is much more stressful for her I expect. Just find a way without you feeling guilty or making her feel guilty to go forward. The chances are that she was trying to keep up with you financially and that didn't help either.

oldhand

I think you are being very reasonable in this and she does not seem willing to meet you half way.Considering you are paying the bulk of the house and presumably associated costs she should be willing to at least let you know where you both stand financially.
I am worried that she may not have told you about all of her debt,she may still be burying her head in the sand so I think thats your first and main task,sit her down and no more emailing each other,your a couple living together.If she goes on the defensive again dont back off as its clear she sees that as a way to make you feel its your fault.
Have your own incoming/outgoing figures to show her just how much you are carrying her and get the point across even through her tears if they start that you can only go forward with your future together if your both honest with each other.
I hope things work out for you,good luck.

FBaby

She is extremely lucky to have you supporting her as you are and she needs to appreciate this rather than taking you for granted. Why is she in debts? Does she have a spending issue, or is she poor at managing her money. Either way, if this is not tackled, the debt will never get better.

Having been in a relationship with someone who couldn't manage their debts and the pain that came with it, I would tell you to run away when you can, but you clearly care for her a lot, so the earlier you can sort her problem, the better if you intend to commit to her.

Debtfree2018_2

She doesn't sound like she had her LBM yet?
Are you sure she has stopped spending?
You sound super understanding and supportive.
Money is a very difficult subject in a relationship. That can cause a lot of fights, upsets etc..