Partner with debt - getting worse.....

tocs23

This is clearly a delicate issue - and it sounds as though the spiralling debt may be a symptom of bigger problems. What is your girlfriend spending on? Is she working? Generally happy in all other areas of her life?

I agree that, unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though she's committed to making the change if she won't give up the cards completely and focus on clearing what's on there. Is she on the best 0% deals or racking up interest charges every month?

I don't necessarily agree that you should go in all guns blazing - but you have been extremely patient and supportive, and at the end of the day you need to look after your own financial wellbeing too.

If you can get to the bottom of what's causing the irresponsible spending, you can really start to help her on the right track and set your relationship in a more secure footing for the future.

Good luck with it.

Karonher

Have you given her a figure you want her to pay? I cant tell if when you say pay X amount that is towards the house or her utilities.

If you have not told her could you change that and let her know what she is going to have to pay? That could mean the difference between her tightening her belt to clear the debt or maybe taking on a DMP.

You seem concerned that she is stalling but so are you. It may take away the pressure she is feeling.

Bobarella

Does your girlfriend know why she has the debt she does?

banana86

Hello all

Many thanks for the replies.

I have since approached the topic again with 'can we talk about this without you getting defensive or having a go at me?'

She had written some rather complicated spreadsheets about where she was spending money and projections about things she'd pay off that I didn't really understand. This was from the last time we talked.

We sat down and went through her previous months spending. Most of this was with her sitting down arms folded. I told her to stop being so defensive and if she didn't engage with me then we couldn't sort things out. She opened up a little but the whole thing was majorly awkward.

We totted all the costs from the previous month from card statements and looked at her income. Not including her cash spending, she'd overspent £75 more than her ingoings. So I said we'd need to rebudget. Most of the money going on small overspends here and there, creating a much bigger overspend in total.

We looked at what the debt was everywhere on all the cards and totted that up.

I wrote her an action plan and we looked at all the things she was due to be doing for the next month. She got annoyed that I was telling her to do all these things and said we should call up the companies now and sort it out. She said she wanted time and it was a lot of pressure. I agreed and said this won't be easy. I said all this starts with being strict about where the money goes and keeping to an action plan. Though I understand there may be occasional slips.

One thing I noticed is that she's paying ROP (Vanquis) and PPI (!!!) I said this would be an easy thing to tackle and asked if she'd agreed to it. I advised her to stop both payments as she's paying around £70 a month for these. And could claim back if she didn't agree. I'm now thinking that she may have agreed to these things as she's been very cage-y about it.

As a compromise I wrote a timeframe by which various things should be looked into. Ranging 1 week to 1 month so that it wasn't so burdensome.

Anyway, left all this for a week. Today, I asked how she's getting with week one and find out she hasn't stopped the PPI or ROP. She had done all the other things tho. I asked her to sort it out and she said she'd do it in her own time. This is the end of this week one.

I have to say that I feel very angry about this and annoyed. Am I right to be or am I being unreasonable?

In answer to some of your other questions....
Yes she is working.
We haven't talked about outside help yet. I haven't heard about StepChange.
I agree it is not really my job but she clearly has not been able to do this herself and burying her head in the sand for the last 18 months.
I think that she has disclosed everything.
I don't think she has defaulted on a utility payment so far.
LBM? Not sure what this means sorry.
Spends are on all sorts: food spends (lunches), when she was living alone, just ready meals instead of bulk making foods at home, occ. nights out, gifts for others (list goes on)
She did try to get another 0% balance transfer deal but because her credit is poor she got declined. We checked on the eligibility calc on here too and she's not eligible for anything else.
Mostly, she's only making min. payments on the cards. 9 months ago, she balance transferred 3 card debts to a 0% deal then maxed out her 2 cards. Advised her to target the highest apr to pay that off.
I haven't said pay X towards the household. I just said she needs to focus on the utility bills only and that is enough so she will have her own money to pay her debts.
We budgeted over the next month with figures for all aspects of her spending and I said she should stick to those figures so all the left over money will go on paying her debts.
She does know that her debt is from overspending and poor budgeting. She blames this on 'living on my own' 'costs were more' which I think is just minimising the problem.

She is not happy in her job and wants to try somewhere else (hasn't handed in her notice but has been applying elsewhere). I have said I will be supportive but only on the condition that she absolutely sticks to the above, in case she is out of work. I'm wondering if this is a really bad idea as she's clearly not sticking to these things we've laid out only a week ago.

banana86

Have already told her this is a make or break situation and that I couldn't see myself being in a long-term relationship with someone who was not willing to take control of their spending.

sourcrates

Hmmm difficult situation for you.

"LBM" means lightbulb moment, the point in time you realise your outgoings exceed your income, and that drastic action is nessessary.

I suspect your girlfriend is not yet at this point.

And until she is, it's looks like you have a job on your hands.

enthusiasticsaver

No you are not being unreasonable and have every right to expect her to do something given that you are picking up most of the living costs for both of you. A LBM is a lightbulb moment - the moment when realisation about the seriousness of the debt sinks in and given that your girlfriend is defensive and unwilling to accept the seriousness of her indebtedness it has been suggested she is not there yet.


You have done as much as you have realistically been able to do in sitting down with her, making suggestions on things she can do to save money and ultimately saying to her she has to get a grip on this as otherwise she will drag you down with her. If she is not willing to meet you halfway then yes I would say that your relationship is in jeopardy. Suggesting making lunches at home to take to work is one really good way to save money instantly as is cooking from scratch rather than ready meals. One thing I do is often take leftovers from dinner previous night to work the next day for lunch. It saves a fortune over the month. I hope you manage to sort something out.

banana86

Thanks both.

Have made it clear that if she doesn't follow our plan then I can't continue. She has made the remainder of the changes today.

I said it was difficult for me as well because I have always been very careful with money and don't want everything I've worked hard for just go because she doesn't see the seriousness of the situation. And said if she's going to put off these things it is ultimately her who is losing out because things will get worse and worse.

She agreed and apologised that she was pushing me to edge and making me lose my patience.

I said that she although before I said about the job etc I think it is a bad idea for her to leave. I thought that as I was typing earlier. If she wasn't in so much debt then I would be happy to support her. I think it's too much just now and she needs to pay off a substantial amount.

I agree re: LBM. I'm not sure we're really there just yet. I think hopefully we'll get there. I told her that I felt I was really going out of my way to help her and she should help herself! She agreed.

Thanks re: lunches. We spent the evening making lunches for the week ahead so that is a good start.

Happier_Me

Hi OP

I have never been in your situation so can't offer any words of wisdom as such. One thing I will add is your girlfriend should only leave work if she has another job to go to that pays enough to cover her debt repayments and other commitments. Your support should not stretch to paying her debts off for her, even for a short time.

Many of us have been in a job we hate but as adults we have to meet our own responsibilities and in your girlfriends case, this means earning a wage to pay off her debts.

her_welshness

This is a really positive start, well done Banana86.

I think you and others are right about the LBM but also there are some mental blocks there. Its important to stress to her that this process is easy to fix. Instructing the bank to ditch the PPI payment is easy. Claiming back the PPI is straightforward. Using an app such as You Need a Budget (YNAB) is also simple and fun to use. Also, this process could be over and done with sooner than she thinks. I think a lot of us thought that we could just stick our heads in the sand for so long that we will jolly well stay there. After my LBM a few years ago (it took an awfully long time btw) I will be debt free next month, probably for the first time in 10 years.