Need help/advice please

Rosco32

Hey guys,

I posted in September last year after my boyfriend of 10 years left me as he no longer loved me. We tried to be friends after having only a month apart, but it didn't work. I broke down in front of him and ended up becoming ill, having to take two months off work as I was depressed and felt suicidal at times. Fast forward to the new year and I went back to work with a positive attitude determined I would be ok. I also decided the time felt right to go see my ex as we'd had almost 3 months without seeing each other and I wanted to see how I was around him. Strangely enough I was fine I didn't get upset and I felt ok about things, like we could get on as friends only. More than 10 years ago, we started out as friends, became best friends and then fell in love with each other. We both want to try and have some sort of friendship once I am over the break up, as this man is my best friend too, but he rightly says it can only happen when I'm ready. Everything between us has been very amicable and we've not argued or fallen out, I think our relationship has simply ran its course, as much as I hate to say that. Over the last week or so I've become emotional again, seeing valentines day stuff shoved in my face wherever I went just seemed to bring everything back and I've spent the last week or so really upset and crying lots. I had dinner with my ex last night and we ended up talking about our relationship and I admitted to him and myself that I am still very much in love with him, which resulted in me sat crying on his sofa for several hours. We agreed that we need to put things on hold, for my sake until I can completely get over this. It hurts so bad, I hate the way I feel and I just want a way out now. I don't have many friends and I also struggle talking to people about my problems and emotions. As a result I'm feeling very lonely. My ex is not a horrible person and even went as far as telling me if I decide I can never see him again, then that's something he would have to live with but he would respect my wishes. He says it is his actions that have caused all this pain, but I totally respect he was honest with me about how he felt, after all what is the point of staying with someone if you no longer love them. None of us can help how we feel inside, or at least that's how I see it.

Has anyone been in my situation and if so I'd be grateful to learn how you dealt with things.

Thanks in advance!

Ross

Pthree

For now, forget about being friends.

You have to give yourself proper time to grieve for the end of your relationship, maybe in a year or so when you are stronger you can think about being friends again.

Delete his number, un-friend him on Facebook (tricky if you have a lot of mutual friends) but it needs to be done.
Get a new haircut, buy yourself some new shoes, go out with some friends, start a new hobby, keep yourself busy! All easier said than done and I know it's a cliche but time does heal.

Until then, just fake it till you make it!

Rosco32

Pthree wrote: »

For now, forget about being friends.

You have to give yourself proper time to grieve for the end of your relationship, maybe in a year or so when you are stronger you can think about being friends again.

Delete his number, un-friend him on Facebook (tricky if you have a lot of mutual friends) but it needs to be done.
Get a new haircut, buy yourself some new shoes, go out with some friends, start a new hobby, keep yourself busy! All easier said than done and I know it's a cliche but time does heal.

Until then, just fake it till you make it!

Thanks. I know there is no rush for me to feel "fixed" if you like and be totally over him, it will take as long as it takes. I'm more frustrated that I felt ok around him and even though I still had feelings I guess I thort been around him might make me stronger, but it doesn't. I'm a mess today, had to work from home, just need to get myself back on track.

mrsscattercushion

I often lurk on here, but your post resonated a lot with me..

Whilst at uni many years ago, I met a man who became my best friend. I supported him and him me through unsuccessful relationships and eventually he told me how he felt about me and we ended up in a relationship.

It did not work out, for a number of reasons, we often would get back together, things would resurface and we'd start again...only for the same issues to arise and things beak down again...

It was really hard but i had to take myself away from him and now haven't seen him or had contact with him for 8/9 years. It was horrible initially, even though I ended our relationship, as I felt I had lost my best friend as well, and found out through mutual friends he was bereft at me going...

Reason I shared this is I can empathise with the depth of pain and how hard things are when certain events happen, such as first valentines and it triggers all the feelings you'd thought you'd dealt with.

Time is the greatest healer and although staying away from him probably isn't easy, a clean break allows you time to grieve fully. Grieving for what you had and now has changed is perfectly natural, don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Achnowledge the feelings, don't bury them and you feel begin to feel better....be kind to yourself, take comfort in the fact you can be okay around him, but it will take time.

take care x

Rosco32

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

I often lurk on here, but your post resonated a lot with me..

Whilst at uni many years ago, I met a man who became my best friend. I supported him and him me through unsuccessful relationships and eventually he told me how he felt about me and we ended up in a relationship.

It did not work out, for a number of reasons, we often would get back together, things would resurface and we'd start again...only for the same issues to arise and things beak down again...

It was really hard but i had to take myself away from him and now haven't seen him or had contact with him for 8/9 years. It was horrible initially, even though I ended our relationship, as I felt I had lost my best friend as well, and found out through mutual friends he was bereft at me going...

Reason I shared this is I can empathise with the depth of pain and how hard things are when certain events happen, such as first valentines and it triggers all the feelings you'd thought you'd dealt with.

Time is the greatest healer and although staying away from him probably isn't easy, a clean break allows you time to grieve fully. Grieving for what you had and now has changed is perfectly natural, don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Achnowledge the feelings, don't bury them and you feel begin to feel better....be kind to yourself, take comfort in the fact you can be okay around him, but it will take time.

take care x

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It certainly does seem like we had very similar situations, do you think you will ever try and make contact with him to see if friendship could return? The problem I have is that I'm not a very strong person, despite been told I am. Sometimes my emotions take over me. I feel like I could stand in a sound proof room and just scream and shout to let everything out. The other thing is that my ex is genuinely a nice person. Everyone says it, he has a heart of gold and people say the same about me and that we were made for each other, but that's obviously not the case. I want to have friendship with him but just need to heal and let go first, that's the hard part, letting go.

tea_lover

(((hugs))). Hope you're feeling better today.

This might not be about him at all. Your post struck a chord with me as it reminded me of a similar-ish situation. After several years of trying, and various treatments, I acknowledged that I wouldn't have children. Have genuinely come to terms with that and feel positive about life. However, there is the odd time (usually mothers day) when it can all come flooding back. It's not that my overall feelings change on that day, it's just a reminder of what could have been and can be upsetting.

It could be that the whole valentines malarky (total rubbish imho anyway lol) caught you off guard. It may be that you miss being close to someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're still in love with your ex.

Some space and time apart sounds like a good move, for both of you. Also - that having a good scream idea? Do it! Can work wonders

DigForVictory

It doesn't quite fit exactly but as a way of helping you remember to give him (& yourself) a bit more distance & time, try this by Fleur Adcock:

Advice to a Discarded Lover
Think, now: if you have found a dead bird,
not only dead, not only fallen,
but full of maggots: what do you feel -
more pity or more revulsion?

Pity is for the moment of death,
and the moments after. It changes
when decay comes, with the creeping stench
and the wriggling, munching scavengers.

Returning later, though, you will see
a shape of clean bone, a few feathers,
an inoffensive symbol of what
once lived. Nothing to make you shudder.

It is clear then. But perhaps you find
the analogy I have chosen
for our dead affair rather gruesome -
too unpleasant a comparison.

It is not accidental. In you
I see maggots close to the surface.
You are eaten up by self-pity,
crawling with unlovable pathos.

If I were to touch you I should feel
against my fingers fat, moist worm-skin.
Do not ask me for charity now:
go away until your bones are clean.


Be gentle with yourself.

scooby088

I think you need a complete break from your ex, no texting, facebooking, whilst you are still in contact with him you are delaying the healing process, maybe when you are emotionally strong enough then see how you feel about being friends. It's a hard thing being just friends when you have had more, and you admit you still love him, as they say time is a great healer, good luck

Rosco32

Thanks guys so much for your support and kinds words. I know that I am still in love with him because of how I feel when I'm around him. He means so much to me I'd take a bullet for him. That said, I have accepted he doesn't love me so I just need to effectively fall out of love with him.

AmyTurtle

Around the same time I split from my ex-bf of 7 years, he broke his shoulder and I had to help him a lot as his family all live abroad. It definitely delayed the healing, seeing him every day. IMO you need to go cold turkey and accept you can't ever be more than passing acquaintances with an ex until you are fully over the relationship. Good luck to you.

swingaloo

You need total space from him. Eventually one of you will move on and meet someone new. How will you deal with being friends then?,