worried about my brother

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm going to be extremely blunt with you. It's not meant to hurt you or trigger anybody else - but what I am saying is important.



If you don't tell your mum, no matter how inconvenient it is, your next contact about him could be finding out he's taken a shedload of paracetamol and is now dying of liver failure.


Whilst most people who self harm don't go on to attempt or actually commit suicide, most people who actually do die by their own hand have self harmed in the past.


Anything could have happened to trigger this change. Whatever it is, he needs help NOW.

So stop procrastinating, tell your mum. Tell her what she needs to do and why it's so important.

meritaten

I agree with Jojo. He needs help and he needs it now. contact the college and his course tutor. they may have access to student counselling. also his GP.
it doesn't really matter what the trigger is - he is self-harming and that rings alarm bells.

Lily-Rose_3

JoBatch80 wrote: »

I really hope I'm wrong about this but I've noticed that the user profile pic and that of another new user in the sexless marriage thread is the same.

Yeah, when someone new joins, (or a regular user makes up a new name, because they don't want people knowing who they are; ) any one of about 10 standard MSE avatars gets selected. I think the OP's avatar is one of them. So it's not necessarily the person you think.

OP, I agree with the people who say you need to tell your mum, and it sounds like your brother needs help. Has he suffered any trauma that you know of?

indsty

Like others have advised, he does sound likes he needs some professional help. But you should not be dealing with this on your own and you must speak to your parent(s) about what you are noticing. Then you can make a joint decision as to how to get that help. Phone your GP and be very blunt about what is happening and ask their advice. Your brother may or may not see he has a problem and it may be difficult to get him to engage with the help available, but at the very least you must get some support for the family as a whole.

belisha-beacon

So sorry to hear about everything that is going on for you, bigbro. There's plenty of support and information available out there and the first thing I'd suggest is reading up on things so that you know more about what you might be dealing with. Look after yourself, too! (more info below)

I haven't got a lot of time to write this post but will give as much info as I can. My first (and most important point) is: the link between self-harm and suicide mentioned above is a very dangerous myth. One does not automatically lead to another, and one of the most common 'mistakes' people make when trying to support someone who self-harms is to see the main 'goal' as preventing that self-harm because they think that self-harm is some sort of path to suicide.

The evidence shows that in fact self-harm is a way of trying to cope with difficult feelings - a way of staying alive rather than dying. When people are prevented from doing it, without solving the underlying problem, suicidal feelings actually increase and death becomes more likely. As the Self Harm UK website says, " As difficult and challenging as it can be to understand, sometimes self-harm may be the safest option, if the alternative involves a desire to end life. It’s dangerous to prevent someone from harming without providing them with a realistic, alternative coping mechanism that they are willing to engage with." I'd really recommend looking at the website, it is designed for self-harmers rather than people supporting them but it's really informative. https://www.selfharm.co.uk/

I'd suggest thinking about this as 'how can I support my brother' rather than 'how can I stop this harming behaviour'? People often think those two questions mean the same thing but there's a key difference, and the first one is more likely to lead to him stopping.

I noticed that you referred to 'confronting' your brother about his behaviour, and that's an entirely natural response when you're concerned about something that is obviously very shocking and upsetting to see. However, if you can, try to avoid being confrontational. Self-harmers are likely to be ashamed not only of the harm but also of the feelings that lead up to it. If they feel 'told off' then they might shut down and be less likely to share what is going on for them. The behaviour is unlikely to stop without some sort of support, but your brother might be more likely to hide it from you if he feels he will be judged. In the worst case scenario, if he's self-harming because of anxiety and he feels judged about that then it might actually make him more anxious and make the coping behaviours more frequent.

If you feel able to, perhaps try and say something like "I'm sorry that we ended up arguing the other day, I was just really worried to see your hands and arms and I reacted without thinking about it. It makes me feel that perhaps you're finding things really difficult, and I want to help you if I can. Is there anything I can help with?"

The Samaritans have a very good webpage about how to have conversations about this sort of thing: http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about/if-you%E2%80%99re-worried-about-someone/how-start-difficult Do try and talk to your brother if you can, and encourage him to seek support even if he feels unable to talk to you about what is going on. Let him know that he doesn't have to go through things on his own and there are people out there that can help him if he wants it.

I haven't got time to say everything I want to say, but there are some extremely good resources for you to use if you need them. The Mind website is excellent in terms of information, and they have a helpline where you can talk through the individual situation if you like. They have information on individual conditions (and on self-harm), about how to support others, and they also have a sibling support group for people who have brothers or sisters with mental health problems. For example: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/

And finally, don't be afraid to seek support for yourself as well. People caring for others, or supporting people with mental health problems, often take the weight of the world on their shoulders and can end up burning out. If you are going to support your brother you have to support yourself first, and make sure you keep yourself in a good state of mind. I know they're generally known as a helpline for suicidal people, but the Samaritans are great people to talk to about anything - you can ring, text or email or pop into a local branch and talk to someone if you need to. They do speak to quite a lot of people who are stressed out about supporting others. http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Good luck, bigbro - I will try to check back on this thread and post more information if I have anything useful to add.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's not a dangerous myth.

As I know from experience, that outlet doesn't provide anything but a temporary release from an ongoing problem that needs to be treated. Left untreated, self harm can escalate and, once it doesn't give that release anymore, your next step can all too easily be sitting on a hospital ward waiting, hoping that the acetylcysteine drip has been administered in time.

minerva_windsong

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It's not a dangerous myth.

As I know from experience, that outlet doesn't provide anything but a temporary release from an ongoing problem that needs to be treated. Left untreated, self harm can escalate and, once it doesn't give that release anymore, your next step can all too easily be sitting on a hospital ward waiting, hoping that the acetylcysteine drip has been administered in time.

This is very true. I have self-harmed in the past - I won't go into details but I know that it stems from perfectionism and low self-esteem, and I also know I need to address that as that's what will hopefully reduce and (eventually) stop the self-harm, though I don't think the urge to do it will ever go away for good. That's not saying 'all self-harmers become suicidal', but that it can still be an issue even if it doesn't escalate.

I agree with those who've suggested to talk to your brother in a non-confrontational way, say you're sorry, you can see he's finding things difficult and if there's anything he wants to talk about or would like help with. And to tell your mum, the college and his GP. The mental health links suggested above (Samaritans, Mind) are very good too - they've certainly helped me when friends have experienced mental health issues.

heartbreak_star

Some great advice on here.

Your brother is lucky to have you good luck.

HBS x

j.e.j.

belisha-beacon wrote: »

I haven't got a lot of time to write this post but will give as much info as I can. My first (and most important point) is: the link between self-harm and suicide mentioned above is a very dangerous myth. One does not automatically lead to another, and one of the most common 'mistakes' people make when trying to support someone who self-harms is to see the main 'goal' as preventing that self-harm because they think that self-harm is some sort of path to suicide.

The evidence shows that in fact self-harm is a way of trying to cope with difficult feelings - a way of staying alive rather than dying.

I agree it is a myth that people who self-harm are trying to kill themselves, they are not. Self-harm is, as you point out, a coping mechanism. (I don't want to go into details, but I also have experience of this subject)

There used to be a fantastic website which helped people with this kind of problem, but alas like everything else these days funding is being cut, and he may need a referral from his GP in order to be able to access it.

OP I'd say don't pressure him, or make him show you his scars/wounds again. Try talking first to your own GP and see if they can advise on what best to do. Do the two of you go to the same GP/surgery?

carefullycautious

The biggest worry at present is infection. Please get help for him ASAP