Missing jewellery, 8 year old suspect, what to do?

FatVonD

Something like this happened to me when I was 12. We had just moved house and I had been introduced to a girl in my road.

She was in my room one day and I had a new bottle of nail varnish. We had been looking at it and then I put it back in the drawer of my bedside table.

As she was leaving she said she'd forgotten something (indeed she had, she'd forgotten to nick my nail varnish!) and went back upstairs and I even heard the bedside table drawer closing. As soon as she went I checked and, sure enough, it was gone.

I never said anything but she was never invited to my house again and, once I started school, other kids warned me she was a bit 'odd'.

When I was about 20 and living in a shared house (there were 6 of us living there) I had a brand new and still boxed necklace stolen. Everyone knew I'd bought it because I worked for a mail order catalogue at the time and we used to be able to buy anything that was returned/discontinued really cheap in the staff shop and I often got stuff for other people. I can still remember keep going back to the drawer I'd left it in expecting it to be there, even though I'd checked maybe 20 times, but I just couldn't believe it had happened.

It is such a horrible feeling. I think you should support your daughter and let her cut contact if she wants to.

grass_is_greener

Thanks to everyone for their responses.
The necklace didn't turn up and the phone call to their mum wasn't exactly the easiest call I've ever made. Whilst I made no direct accusations, I think my tone suggested what I felt. I've had to deal with my daughters tears over her missing necklace and will now be tring to save up to replace it. We are not talking breaking the bank but that's irrelevant, it's spare money I've not got right now.
I just feel sad that I've potentially lost a friend over this whilst her little girl gets away thinking she's got away with it and will be free to do it again.
There is now no doubt in my mind where it's gone, there Is too much evidence against her. Such a shame and disheartening, I know people have said its normal for that age but the fact she searched my daughters drawers (she had not been shown the necklace) and purposely took something that she knew would be important, speaks volumes to me.

swingaloo

I would think very hard about your daughter keeping this friend.


At the age of 12 my son had a friend who kept taking things. He had a bad home life and quite often the school would ask if I could keep him overnight as his mum had been drinking. (this was 20 years ago-Im aware this would not happen now but times were different then).


It got to the stage where he was practically living with us, his mother was happy with the situation and by this time I had got to know her quite well.


However things my son had kept going missing, it was the first time round that Transformers were popular and they were quite expensive. At first we thought the book, car, game or whatever it was had just been misplaced but it soon became apparent there was more to it.


One Christmas my sons gran gave him a wallet with £10 in and also gave the other child the same. On going to bed that night I saw the other childs wallet left in the bathroom with not one, but two, ten pound notes inside. The morning after my son said his wallet was missing. I knew his friend had got it and spoke to him, whereby he went into the garden and got the wallet from under a bush and gave the ten pounds back.


I thought that may have taught him something but still things disappeared. The school teacher got involved and suggested we together get a policeman to have a word to see if we could get through to him that way before he did something serious.


Myself, the teacher and the policeman went to his house and he was asked about various things which we had missed. He denied all knowledge until his younger brother bought a bag out of the bedroom full of the things his big brother had given him- which turned out to be my sons things.


After that talking to we thought maybe he would turn around as I could sympathise that he must have felt that he and his brother had nothing while my son had so much.


But in the end I had to stop him coming and for that I felt guilty for ages that I was turning my back on him. (He had been on holidays with us and become part of our family).


The thing was- I could see a time when he would be going out with my son and perhaps shoplift or steal from someone else and I had to put my son first. I didn't want him guilty by association.


At your daughters age there are a lot of parties and the same group of friends tend to attend them, Id be worried this child may pinch from someone else's home and maybe put your daughter under the same suspicion.

j.e.j.

grass_is_greener wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for their responses.
The necklace didn't turn up and the phone call to their mum wasn't exactly the easiest call I've ever made. Whilst I made no direct accusations, I think my tone suggested what I felt. I've had to deal with my daughters tears over her missing necklace and will now be tring to save up to replace it. We are not talking breaking the bank but that's irrelevant, it's spare money I've not got right now.
I just feel sad that I've potentially lost a friend over this whilst her little girl gets away thinking she's got away with it and will be free to do it again.
There is now no doubt in my mind where it's gone, there Is too much evidence against her. Such a shame and disheartening, I know people have said its normal for that age but the fact she searched my daughters drawers (she had not been shown the necklace) and purposely took something that she knew would be important, speaks volumes to me.

I don't think it is normal for that age, tbh. Some children steal things, but most don't! I think your friend is going to have to wake up and smell the coffee if this is the sort of thing her child does..

The necklace must be somewhere, but as you say she might have just binned it. It's a difficult situation, but I wouldn't invite them round again.

grass_is_greener

Thanks swingaloo and jej.

What strikes me as off with this situation is that the family is what I would describe as a "well to do" family, big house, flashy cars, stay at home mum and working dad. Mum and dad are genuinely lovely but this particular twin is what I would describe as trouble. I still can't put my finger on it. She's lovely one minute but then seems to switch to naughty like she has two personalities.
Whilst they were here, her mum was telling me a story about when the daughter found her grandads dentures and prised the teeth off and put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy. Apparently she was angry the next morning when the tooth fairy did not turn up. As parents they found this amusing, I found it worrying that she would destroy something belonging to someone else! I told her mum then that I thought she had trouble on her hands. Maybe her behaviour has just not been tackled and she gets away with it as they were very much longed for children and parents are in their mid forties.
I know that if my daughter was under suspicion of stealing something, I would get the truth out of her eventually and she would be made to apologise but I still believe their mum thinks that they haven't done anything wrong.
My daughter is friends with the 'other' twin, who is quite a submissive little girl and calls my daughter her best friend.

Well, I have searched high and low, the necklace is no where to be found. My daughter is a tidy freak in her bedroom and everything has its place, I honestly feel it was taken, not hidden as something tells me this wasn't a jealousy thing, it's more some sort of compulsive thing, no idea If this happens in children, just my take on it after analysing it.

meritaten

you may think they have the perfect life, but, there is something behind this child's compulsion if she is stealing from her friends. her home life may not be as Idyllic as you imagine. she is only 8 you say, old enough to know the difference between right and wrong as long as she has been taught it.
I think you want to keep your friendship going so, can I suggest that bedrooms are 'off limits' when they come round? explain to your DD that her things in her bedroom are now going to be safe. and that you will be keeping an eye on the twins from now on.
and yes, I would replace the necklace - even if I had to live on toast for a week.

bouicca21

Whilst you may think this couple are lovely, it seems to me that there is something rotten here - one twin who is very passive, the other with a compulsion to steal? This is not normal.

Well to do, flashy cars and stay at home mum don't necessarily add up to idyllic. I wonder what happens behind their closed doors?

FBaby

It is a difficult situation and I know what you mean about tackling your children if you think they have stollen something, I too would get it out of my kids if they had done so, but some children are more troubled psychologically and stealing is more a call of distress than one of nastiness or poor education.

We gave her sister a necklace for her birthday yesterday but we have her a hairband and stick on earrings.

Are you saying that the 'good' twin got a necklage and she got the hairband and stick on earrings? If that is the case, I suspect she felt that her sister's present was much nicer than her, believed that your daughter chose it this way on purpose and therefore felt your daughter deserved to be punished.

Maybe she struggles with her sister being the 'preferred' twin or something like that.

aileth

Sorry for your daughter, OP.

Agree that eight is more than old enough to know it was wrong. I remember a girl in primary school who stole anything that wasn't glued down, this was about in year four. She used to steal everybody's kit-kat from their lunchboxes, stole people's jackets, stole crayons, toys, you name it. It was almost daily her mother was marching her back to school to apologise and hand things back. I've no idea what triggered it in her.

I wouldn't worry about her 'getting away with it' per se. Chances are she'll do it when she visits other children's homes and it won't be long before her mother has lost a lot more friends than you and might finally have to wake up!

z.n

Hi OP

Seems to me that the 'bad' twin is possibly very jealous of the other twin who a) is your daughter's preferred friend, and
b) who received a special necklace.

Not too sure whether the jealousy is directed at your daughter or the 'good twin' actually- maybe both. Either way the problem is not going to just go away.

I disagree with those posters who think it unusual for girls to steal/hide stuff at age 8. This is exactly the time that they start to sort their peer group pecking order - and the process can be absolutely brutal with no holds barred. Year 3 was a nightmare! (This is different to the semi-accidental 'taking stuff home' that occurs with much smaller children.) I can easily see that a child brought up without proper boundaries (treat other people's stuff with respect), a sense of entitlement (spoiled) or completely overcome with sibling rivalry could take it all too far. Rooting through closed drawers etc is absolutely not on. I think some children take a bit longer to understand boundaries and this is the age when it shows.


The real problem here seems to be that the twins' mother is being unrealistic and doesn't appreciate when to be firm. It really would be best if she were able to nip it in the bud while her daughter still has some friends. As it is you cannot rely on her to help stop this happening again.

Best for your daughter to look for other friends/keep her friendship with 'good twin' in the public sphere (eg not allowed upstairs.)

One word of warning -your daughter will know if 'bad twin' improves - so don't get too emotional about it because it will be difficult if she decides in a year's time that 'bad twin' has changed her ways and is her new best friend/deserves another chance. Try to keep things neutral with the mother if possible (for the same reason.) Nothing more discomforting for kids than two mums battling it out in the playground about something the children happily treat as ancient history. "No, honestly Mum, she's changed. She's really nice now." So keep it as low key as you can.

Plus, just because a child looks meek and submissive, don't assume they are. Girl in DD class was so quiet and whispered to adults (poor thing, so shy, she needs looking after) was actually an arch manipulator who ruled the girls in the class with a rod of iron. No sign of it to adults- all done under the radar. So, don't assume 'bad twin' is a bad'un. It may not be that simple.