Missing jewellery, 8 year old suspect, what to do?

grass_is_greener

My 7 year old daughter was bought a necklace from a jewellers by a (boy) friend at school, very innocent relationship, they are very good friends. She kept the necklace in her drawer, has never put it on but looks at it most days.
Yesterday, she was invited to a party with friends (twins), on their return they dropped my daughter off and came in to play for an hour. they disappeared off upstairs while I chatted to their mum (a very young close friend of mine). When they were leaving, one of the girls asked if she could take one of my daughters playmobil animals, her mum said no as it doesn't belong to her (she didn't protest too much), but later on that toy was could no longer be found and had disappeared. Not a big deal, it's just something small but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
When my daughter went to bed last night, she found part of the insides (the foam bit) from her jewellery box on the floor, we thought nothing of it but she asked what it was doing there, I thought maybe she had shown her friends and dropped it but didn't think anything of it.
Anyway, when she came into me this morning in tears, her necklace was missing and the box open in her drawer and label her friend had written to her had been ripped off. Now, I know it's jumping to conclusions but I saw the box yesterday in her drawer and it wasn't ripped.
I phoned my friend to ask if her girls had perhaps accidentally moved it and she phoned back to tell me they hadn't and hadn't seen it. I don't know what to do now, my daughter is beside herself and I am very angry that her necklace has 'potentially' been stolen by an 8 year old. I have no proof but I know my daughter and know when she is genuinely upset and hasn't moved it herself. No one else has been in the house. I don't want to lose a friendship but I feel that this child (one of the twins in particular has a bit of reputation for things like this although nothing quite so serious). Money is tight right now and I don't feel like I should buy another one but my daughter is beside herself thinking her friendship with the boy is over and she doesn't want to see the twins again (I have told her that we dont know what's happened so can't go accusing anyone). I am not quite sure where to take it from here and don't want to discuss it with friends as I don't want to go accusing an 8 year old of stealing!!!!

j.e.j.

If the child has taken the necklace, I expect that given time, it will be discovered somewhere. Do you think your friend will be honest and ring you back again if she does find it?

grass_is_greener

Yes, I think she would tell me but I also think that the child may well discard it somewhere. We gave her sister a necklace for her birthday yesterday but we have her a hairband and stick on earrings. I am 99% sure she had it, seems awful to accuse an eight year old but she has done similar before from school.

Jagraf

I don't think there is anything you can do at this time. You can't accuse the girl as I'm not sure how you would do it without causing a nightmare scenario :eek: and you've asked the mum who you can only trust to own up if she finds out her daughter has taken it.

If I had received the phone call, I would now be checking that my daughter definitely hadn't taken it, so you can only go with that (not saying the mum will tell you, as that's a really tough one too).

When I was little I used to steal stuff from the boy next door . My mum found out and owned up, the other mum laughed it off and said dont worry, and that was the end of it.

Girls at that age can be jealous and spiteful. They also change friends all the time so if your daughters had enough of them so be it.

sneekymum

Have you searched everywhere in the room? The girl might have hidden it. We had a similar happening with a tiny MP3 player. It was discovered tucked round the back of the wardrobe when we moved house - three years later. Sometimes the motive is to deprive someone of an item rather than actually steal it.

z.n

Hi OP
I realise this is very upsetting for your daughter but taking/hiding precious stuff is not uncommon IME. Children (especially girls) get overwhelmed with jealousy etc and act on impulse. The fact this was a gift from a boy means the temptation was probably irresistible. Age 8 was a peak for this sort of behaviour in our house with things both arriving and disappearing. The problem is that the brighter a child (again IME) the better they are at maintaining the lie so it can be very hard to work out exactly what has happened. Even when clearly and unquestionably found to be guilty, innocence is claimed.

There is no need to fall out with your friend over this- especially as you are not sure if the necklace is hidden at home. Better to find some acceptable solution to your daughter's distress and wait to see if it turns up. A supervised 'return visit' by the suspect might work if you feel it worth risking. ie see if you can enable the girl to put things right herself. She is friends with your daughter so she can't be all bad and might respond to an opportunity to return it. YOur daughter will now have learned to respect other people's things and is less likely to do this herself, not not all bad.

With my own DD the old trick of 'everybody xxx is lost- come and help me find it and then you can watch tv' produces the item surprisingly fast. Just don't react if/when it reappears if you want to repeat the manoevre at any time over the next 12-15 years. These days I just shout generally 'where's my phone/mascara/tablet etc' and turn my back. Works for us.

Sadly, there is little you can do for your daughter's friend- her mother will have to sort her out. Better perhaps to make it possible for her to face you with a laugh about it and an apology from the daughter (the ideal result all round.)

j.e.j.

grass_is_greener wrote: »

Yes, I think she would tell me but I also think that the child may well discard it somewhere. We gave her sister a necklace for her birthday yesterday but we have her a hairband and stick on earrings. I am 99% sure she had it, seems awful to accuse an eight year old but she has done similar before from school.

Ah, so two out of the three girls have got a necklace.. then it doesn't take much to work out who might have got jealous and taken it.

It's not awful to accuse an 8 year old, really. She is old enough to know that stealing is wrong.

pollypenny

Check that it's not wedged somewhere, so hadn't fallen to the floor.

I 'lost' my watch last week. Nearly in tears and feeling sick, I wentnthrough the kitchen bin, convinced I'd scooped it up when cleaning after baking or after dinner. I even looked into each bit of rubbish. I went through the toy box, texted DIL to check that she hadn't put it 'safe'.

I eventually recalled find my glasses wedged behind the sideboard, months after having an insurance payout. I checked between bed foot and mattress and there it was! Phew!

Maybe the girl has deliberately hidden it.

grass_is_greener

Thanks everyone. Your comments are appreciated.

I think you are all right and I do have to move on and forget. I just feel that this little girl needs to know what's right and what's wrong. She thinks she has got away with it and right now, I feel the only one who has been hurt is my daughter.

The last time this happened, she took a dress from her dance class (because she liked it), my daughter saw her do it so took the dress back out her friends bag. They do not go to the same school anymore as my friend moved them out because she didn't feel that the school dealt well with their behaviour, they were very disruptive. My daughter got on well with the other twin and I've remained good friends with the mum.
I have checked everywhere for the necklace, but I do know in my heart, it's not here and I don't feel we will see it again. My daughter is very particular about where things are and everything goes in its place, she's a little OCD but it means that I have little doubt that it was taken. I truely feel that this little girl has a problem, I cannot put by finger on it but something isn't right, maybe it's just an identical twin thing.
My daughter left her glasses at their house by accident so I am just hoping they are still there when I get over to collect them.

bouicca21

Many moons ago, my daughter's favourite CD disappeared after her cousin visited for the afternoon.

We concluded that the cousin had stolen it. We also decided that, in the interests of family harmony, it wasn't worth making a fuss. As it happens that cousin rarely visited; when she did my daughter didn't take her eyes off her in case anything else got 'lost'. It left a nasty taste then, and still does.

In retrospect I think we should have raised the issue but I doubt it would have made any difference to the outcome. The incident meant that my daughters disliked their cousin; they still do. Maybe they were right in thinking that the theft, minor in itself, was symptomatic of deeper problems, and indeed deeper problems did manifest themselves later. I doubt that either my bil or sil had the parenting skills to deal with the situation and besides in actual money terms, a CD isn't a big deal.

Young children often go through a stage of stealing things - it's a sort of dare. So one needs to be very careful to distinguish between theft as bravado and theft that is symptomatic of a real problem.

meritaten

so both toy and necklace is missing - and during the 'twins' visit. your DD is very upset thinking her friendship is over.
your quandary is between pressing your friend about her child stealing your childs toy and necklace and your friendship with her.
I would give them one more chance - ring tomorrow and ask if either item had turned up.
and if the answer is in the negative - I would seriously think about allowing them to play in your childs room, or even inviting them in. and about my 'friendship'with their mum.
your child is your priority here - if your friends children steal from her - how good is your friend? because she could be covering for HER child.