When does the chemistry start...........

llh189

I have been single for a year or so and can't really remember what it feels like to fall in love - although I have had two longterm relationships and loved each of those people!

I have been internet dating for a while and don't know if I have become too jaded or too picky.

I went out with someone who wasn't traditionaly my type and we got on really well and then it just drifted to nothing - which has upset me, whilst physically he wasn't my type, we got on on loads of other levels and I was really attracted to his personality - I am not sure about my instincts now, whether I should go with my gut instinct or I be chilled out and relaxed even if there isn't an immediate spark.


My parents and my oldest friend think I am too quick to make judgements, and have a perfect man in mind who actually doesn't exist! My best friend thinks sparks should be there immediately and if I don't feel them really soon that what is the point of a second date.

So I am now confused. I have met some really nice guys but tend to rule them out as potential partners quite quickly - even though they are sweet, sometimes it's little things like I don't like their surname or they are shorter than me or don't seem to be over their ex. I feel really awful thinking such things and I just wondered what people think should the sparks be instant or does love, attraction grow from being friends - I'm so confused..................

Also slightly off subject but how important is it that the first night you spend together goes really really well - is it ok for someone to be really nervous and therefore not at their best - would you hold it against someone and not see them again! This is an unrelated issue but something that has come up in discussion with friends etc too. Also as I haven't dated for 13 years how long do you leave until you spend the night together - I know it should feel right and obviously in today's society you are unlikey to love them - my friend has a third date rule.

SOOOOOoooooooooo many questions - any thoughts.................

Dreads_The_Postman

I wouldn't worry too much about the whole 'falling in love' thing. From my experience, it's very easy to confuse feelings of intense attraction with actually being in love. Those heightened emotions are sometimes short lived, while true happiness is when you feel completely at peace with someone, and there is no pressure to 'perform'. I sometimes think that there is pressure these days to proclaim that you are 'in love' with someone quickly after meeting them, especially in the competitive world of online dating.

There probably has to be a degree of physical attraction between two people for any romantic relationship to last, but sometimes that comes from getting to know someone as a friend first. Maybe your date might not be your type now, but as you get to know each other, you might amaze yourself by changing your mind. I'd give it time...

I used to be extremely picky with potential partners, striking people of the list if their spelling or grammar was bad, or if I didn't like their shoes. There were tons of other reasons why we wouldn't be good together, but these were just gut instincts - much easier to rationalise with something tangible like shoes! My OH one pair of shoes that make me want to cry, but these things don't really matter, as my 'gut feeling' is good. Does that make sense?!

I doubt many people would describe honestly the first night they spent with someone as amazingly good. No one expects things to just fit together like in the films - as long as there is plenty of potential for further improvement, you're usually on to a good thing.

Dan_Thunder

I think that to cast people aside because of their surname does possibly show that you may make premature judgements about people!

The fact is that the idealised notion of 'love' we're presented with doesn't exist. If you spend your time searching for someone who ticks every box all you're ever going to be is disappointed.

There's an old saying "L[SIZE=-1]ike someone for their qualities, love them for their faults". [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]I can't think of anyone who would want someones who's perfect as their partner, that'd just be depressing.[/SIZE][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE]

llh189

Dan, the surname thing I agree is completety irrational and silly. I think maybe I am thinking just a tad too much. Also i lived with my surname for 32 and feel generally a bit odd about changing it should I get married - I know other women who have struggled a little with this and others who have proudly embraced the change - again I think I am just weirded out by the process.

I agree perfection would be depressing especially as I am far from perfect!

cobbingstones

I'd just like to add a 'good luck' for your search. I had a certain criteria which I wanted and I was very lucky to find him Don't be too picky just think what's really important to you.

MM

Cazzdevil

I was actually living with someone who I thought I loved completely until I realised that in fact I was head over heels in love with one of my best friends and didn't love the person I lived with at all.

I recall a quote from a film a few years back which put the whole "search for true love" into excellent perspective for me:
"Don't look for Mr Right, look for Mr Right NOW, and eventually, if he's worthy, that now part will just drop away naturally."

wendym

llh189 wrote: »

Dan, the surname thing I agree is completety irrational and silly. I think maybe I am thinking just a tad too much. Also i lived with my surname for 32 and feel generally a bit odd about changing it should I get married - I know other women who have struggled a little with this and others who have proudly embraced the change - again I think I am just weirded out by the process.
quote]

I have two daughters about the same age as you, and neither has changed her name after getting married. It's not something you have to do, although a lot of women still choose to.

Kimitatsu

IMO falling in love is not something you do on a first date anyway Falling in love is loving that person because of their faults not in spite of them!

With my OH there are a million things I could tell you that drive me potty but I know I would miss them desperately if they were gone, and I am equally sure he could tell you a million about me (all untrue of course ).

Why worry about finding Mr Right? He will turn up just when you dont want him to, when you are in a good place having fun and enjoying yourself. When you learn to love yourself and stop looking for the perfect man then you will find him, in my experience. If you go out with a preconceived idea then you are already drastically limiting your options, we all have a "type" but that type comes in many different guises. Enjoy your internet dating, if nothing else you have a huge network of friends that are there to support you some what may.

And no the first night you spend together is not always the best - thats the night you are thinking does my bum look big in this lol!! In my view it gets better as time goes on and you accept those little imperfections.

Enjoy yourself and stop worrying

Ms_Piggy_2

I'm married now, but I used to have a 'three date rule' - unless someone was awful I'd see them at least three times. If at the end of the third date I still wasn't sure (i.e. I didn't want to snog them!) I'd knock it on the head.

As for when to sleep with them, really that's up to you: when it feels right.
(But be safe! )

CarolnMalky

Good luck in your search...I found my now hubby in a MSN chatroom(remember them!!)

We spoke online and on the phone for a few month, then decided to meet...and we knew on our first date...in my opinion you just know.

Hope all goes well for you.
Carol

DIRTY_CASH

You know when you are in love with someone when you ring them up to tell them stupid things like" I have just an apple for my dinner" and they don't mind hearing you. Whats more they tell you stupid things as well and you don't mind it either. You watch a programe on Tv and think so and so would like that and then text them...... again they dont mind...

You smile when you think of them.

You actually really look forward to seeing them.

You don't have to worry about when its o.k to kiss them - you want to.
As for sex....again it comes naturally - no need to worry if it should be on the first date or last and whats more you know you wont regret it.

There are no general rules or regulations about falling in love with a person - they all go out of the window.

When you love them you wouldn't care if his name was Mr @rseface.

Go with the flow - there is nothing wrong with having a set of ideals but where on earth will you find the ideal man... all the best women are married all the handsome men are gay... after all.

Mr Perfect is a myth. When you are in love you will ignore their bad assets and only ever se their good. So what if he picks his feet or farts in the shower. There maybe things he won't like about you.

As the others have said - stop looking for Mr Right. Isn't it true you can spend all day looking for a missing lipstick and find it when you aren't looking - same goes with men.

Good luck and have fun! So what if Brad Pitt isn't available at once you will make tons of friends and friends could become lovers one day.