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Please help, need some advice urgently
teabag29
Posts: 1,898 Forumite
Ok i'll try keep it short as I can. Si i was bought up by my maternal aunty and uncle due to my mother being an alcoholic. i grew up knowing them as mum and dad and didnt find out otherwise until age 11/12. My father as I knew him is now dead.
Between my mum and dad (i refer to them as mum and dad as thats what ive always known them as although biologically they are my aunty and uncle) they had 5 other kids.
I suffered a fair amount of neglect as a child but as an adult developed a good relationship with my mother until last year when we had a fall out. This is basically because my brother and his girlfriend separated after she finally left him (he is a big drinker and had been treating her and the children badly for years). Their eldest daughter who was 11 chose to stay with him as she wanted to stay in her home town to stay close to her friends from school. After a short time my brother began to neglect her and got drunk every waking hour and by the end was having alcoholic fits multiple times a day which were often violent and left him remembering nothing. My niece was acting as his carer in the end aswell as looking after herself and being put in all sorts of danger from my brother and his drinking friends. I tried to help him as much as i could and tried to get the other siblings to help but to no avail so in the end i contacted her mother and told her of the situation and made a statement to social services. i do not regret this for one minute and i absolutely feel i did the right thing and prevented her from the kind of childhood i had. In the end my brother chucked her onto the street one sunday afternoon and refused to let her in because he was (in his words) busy f***ing his new girlfriend!!! My niece rang me in bits and actually wet herself as they wouldnt let her back in to go to the toilet. that day i picked her up and drove her to her mothers house and hour and a half away and she is now happily back settled with her mum and siblings and made lots of new friends and is flourishing and thanks me for the help i gave her. This was 1 year ago and my family disowned me for this all except my mother.....
My mother still spoke to me but our relationship was damaged as my brother insisted on her not talking to me and began to control her (he moved in with her). She was only allowed to talk to me when he was out of the house or tried giving me a timetable to ring her which i refused to do, she then told me she must side with him as im only her niece (1st time shes ever called me anything other than her daughter). i needed her more than ever as i was going through divorce and baby in intensive care so eventually in october told her if we cant have a proper relationship then we dont have one at all i cant take what this is doing to me. I felt awful but the situation was bringing me down.
Roll on 3 months and my mother is now riddled in cancer, i am told she has weeks maybe less to live although she still believes she can have chemo bless her. My older brother (not the alcoholic) contacted me reluctantly on saturday night and told me to get down there for 9am yesterday to see her which i did. I was told to go straight upstairs and given dirty looks by all. My mother looked bad but not as bad as i expected given the prognosis. She was delighted to see me and for 25 minutes we laughed and bonded. then i received a txt from my brother downstairs saying 'you need to go now your brother (the alcoholic one) is on his way back'. I had to leave then. mum was sad and begged me not to go and asked me to come back, i tried to tell her it wasnt my choice but my sister was outside the room the whole time guarding the door listening to everything said. i explained to my mum that my brother was on his way and didnt want me there and i probably wouldnt be allowed back, she got very annoyed and raised her voice and said 'he doesnt get a say its my house and youre my daughter' but then she began coughing and getting quite bad almost choking and in pain (shes on morphine). i had to tell her that i had to get home for the kids anyway and try and reassure her that id see her again soon....she even said when shes better she would meet me in town, she doesnt realise this is the end.
Nobody spoke to me as i left just dirty looks and mum was crying when i left. I feel broken. I have tried numerous times contacting the family to arrange another visit, in 25 mins i didnt get to say what i wanted especially with my sister there listening. I want to be there for her and i dont want her thinking i dont care. Before we fell out it was me who looked after her and applied for her attendance allowance taking it to appeal as she had copd and adaptions to her house through social services and taking her shopping etc, she barely saw the rest of them they were always too busy. Now they are all stopping there for her final days and stopping me seeing her, they have even took her mobile phone downstairs so i cant even ring her (i get hung up on when i ring it or told to f off).
I have contacted the police to see if they can help, they said its a civil matter try citizens advice. I really dont know what to do, i dont know how long she has left, could only be days or could be weeks but i need her to know i am thankful for giving me a shot at life, for all the good times and i need to make peace. On top of that my daughter who is autistic and was very close to her desperately wants to see her, she is not handling this well at all. i just dont know where to turn or how to get to see her and my time is running out. Please can anyone advise
Between my mum and dad (i refer to them as mum and dad as thats what ive always known them as although biologically they are my aunty and uncle) they had 5 other kids.
I suffered a fair amount of neglect as a child but as an adult developed a good relationship with my mother until last year when we had a fall out. This is basically because my brother and his girlfriend separated after she finally left him (he is a big drinker and had been treating her and the children badly for years). Their eldest daughter who was 11 chose to stay with him as she wanted to stay in her home town to stay close to her friends from school. After a short time my brother began to neglect her and got drunk every waking hour and by the end was having alcoholic fits multiple times a day which were often violent and left him remembering nothing. My niece was acting as his carer in the end aswell as looking after herself and being put in all sorts of danger from my brother and his drinking friends. I tried to help him as much as i could and tried to get the other siblings to help but to no avail so in the end i contacted her mother and told her of the situation and made a statement to social services. i do not regret this for one minute and i absolutely feel i did the right thing and prevented her from the kind of childhood i had. In the end my brother chucked her onto the street one sunday afternoon and refused to let her in because he was (in his words) busy f***ing his new girlfriend!!! My niece rang me in bits and actually wet herself as they wouldnt let her back in to go to the toilet. that day i picked her up and drove her to her mothers house and hour and a half away and she is now happily back settled with her mum and siblings and made lots of new friends and is flourishing and thanks me for the help i gave her. This was 1 year ago and my family disowned me for this all except my mother.....
My mother still spoke to me but our relationship was damaged as my brother insisted on her not talking to me and began to control her (he moved in with her). She was only allowed to talk to me when he was out of the house or tried giving me a timetable to ring her which i refused to do, she then told me she must side with him as im only her niece (1st time shes ever called me anything other than her daughter). i needed her more than ever as i was going through divorce and baby in intensive care so eventually in october told her if we cant have a proper relationship then we dont have one at all i cant take what this is doing to me. I felt awful but the situation was bringing me down.
Roll on 3 months and my mother is now riddled in cancer, i am told she has weeks maybe less to live although she still believes she can have chemo bless her. My older brother (not the alcoholic) contacted me reluctantly on saturday night and told me to get down there for 9am yesterday to see her which i did. I was told to go straight upstairs and given dirty looks by all. My mother looked bad but not as bad as i expected given the prognosis. She was delighted to see me and for 25 minutes we laughed and bonded. then i received a txt from my brother downstairs saying 'you need to go now your brother (the alcoholic one) is on his way back'. I had to leave then. mum was sad and begged me not to go and asked me to come back, i tried to tell her it wasnt my choice but my sister was outside the room the whole time guarding the door listening to everything said. i explained to my mum that my brother was on his way and didnt want me there and i probably wouldnt be allowed back, she got very annoyed and raised her voice and said 'he doesnt get a say its my house and youre my daughter' but then she began coughing and getting quite bad almost choking and in pain (shes on morphine). i had to tell her that i had to get home for the kids anyway and try and reassure her that id see her again soon....she even said when shes better she would meet me in town, she doesnt realise this is the end.
Nobody spoke to me as i left just dirty looks and mum was crying when i left. I feel broken. I have tried numerous times contacting the family to arrange another visit, in 25 mins i didnt get to say what i wanted especially with my sister there listening. I want to be there for her and i dont want her thinking i dont care. Before we fell out it was me who looked after her and applied for her attendance allowance taking it to appeal as she had copd and adaptions to her house through social services and taking her shopping etc, she barely saw the rest of them they were always too busy. Now they are all stopping there for her final days and stopping me seeing her, they have even took her mobile phone downstairs so i cant even ring her (i get hung up on when i ring it or told to f off).
I have contacted the police to see if they can help, they said its a civil matter try citizens advice. I really dont know what to do, i dont know how long she has left, could only be days or could be weeks but i need her to know i am thankful for giving me a shot at life, for all the good times and i need to make peace. On top of that my daughter who is autistic and was very close to her desperately wants to see her, she is not handling this well at all. i just dont know where to turn or how to get to see her and my time is running out. Please can anyone advise
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Hello Teabag is your mum in hospital or at home?
If she is so ill I would guess hospital. You could phone the ward and ask after her as a relative. Ask if they would give her the hospital phone so you can chat.The secret to success is making very small, yet constant changes.:)0 -
Will non-alcoholic Brother not help you? - as he was the one who originally contacted you?
Have you tried speaking to the nurses in the hospital? maybe they could ask your mum if she wants to see you (if she is able), in which case, can you really be denied?
OP I really feel for you, and hope that you get to see your mum again before it's too late.0 -
Don't be intimidated. If you and your daughter want to see her, go and see her. If the others kick off, call the police. Time is short.Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0
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No she is at home, she is under macmillan on palliative care but they wont let me in the house, they are all there staying in the spare rooms. The other brother has blocked my calls, he only allowed me the 20 minutes to settle his conscious as mum was asking for me. The police wont get involved ive already tried 0
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The mother is at home I gather from the op's post not in hospital.0
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No she is at home, she is under macmillan on palliative care but they wont let me in the house, they are all there staying in the spare rooms. The other brother has blocked my calls, he only allowed me the 20 minutes to settle his conscious as mum was asking for me. The police wont get involved ive already tried
The police will get involved if there is a disturbance when you are there. Wild horses couldn't keep me from there. I'd climb drainpipes if I had to. Can your compliant brother help you?Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
Its a hard one if the family is so against you....does she have a social worker, they could maybe help facilitate visits for you as its the welfare of your mother that's important and if she wants to see you they have no right to stop contact of any kind....in the meantime contact the MacMillan team, explain the situation and let them know you would appreciate updates on her condition...they would first need your mothers permission. Also be patient with them and don't bombard them with calls as they are extremely busy and their first priority is too their patients.0
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notanewuser wrote: »The police will get involved if there is a disturbance when you are there. Wild horses couldn't keep me from there. I'd climb drainpipes if I had to. Can your compliant brother help you?
Disturbances and Police turning up are not going to help the mum, could you imagine the distress that would cause her.0 -
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Thats what im worried about i dont want to cause her more distress, she is not out of it, she sleeps a lot but still has awake times where she is able to talk and sip water. When i told her they were making me go she got very distressed and almost choked coughing so i dont want to create a scene where she ends up getting more worked up. Good idea about contacting macmillan though never thought of that one
thankyou xx 0
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