Partner poor with finance, advice please

Lozi41

My fianc!e is shocking with budgeting and finance whereas I have a have never missed any payments and have manageable 0% credit card debt and a spreadsheet which I update daily on the bank balance & payments made.
In his previous relationship they basically didn't pay any bills; council tax, Gas & electric, Sky / Virgin, cash converters, HSBC, Halifax, money box and many many other short term loans for around 3-4 years (I don't know how they got away with it!) he also has 2 CCJ'S which he hadn't paid.
When we got together and all this started coming out I got his credit report and had to do some shouting to actually get him to sit down and ring all these companies to set up payments.
There was a lot of "but it's her fault too....." Yes it is but its in your name so affects our future! (He is also paying child maintenance)

After a year carrying on with some payments being set up, but him not remembering to having his money in the right place at the right time and payments bouncing regularly including CSA and him saying he would ring people tomorrow.....and tomorrow and then bailiffs turning up at our house (my house I bought on my own) I took any financial responsibility away from him.
His wages get paid into my account and I make sure everything is paid, if one of these random companies doesn't take the payment on the day I expect I ring up and find out why. (As an aside I've basically had to beg money box 24/7 to take payment! I've set up a DD 3 times and they keep stopping it! But that is the one which is reported the longest so if we have any hope of getting a joint mortgage in the next century it needs paying asap!)

What I would like advice on in how I get things back to normal, it's not normal for him to not be allowed to spend anything, to not be trusted to pay his bills, to basically be treated like a naughty child!
What signs can I look for the start passing things back? He has been telling me from day one he cares about it but his actions showed very different so I obviously can't go in that.
Has anyone been in this situation and worked out a future?

Lozi41

Or is it better to leave things are they are? Everything gets paid, there are no arguments, CSA always goes on time.

Bloomberg

Lozi41 wrote: »

My fianc!e is shocking with budgeting and finance whereas I have a have never missed any payments and have manageable 0% credit card debt and a spreadsheet which I update daily on the bank balance & payments made.
In his previous relationship they basically didn't pay any bills; council tax, Gas & electric, Sky / Virgin, cash converters, HSBC, Halifax, money box and many many other short term loans for around 3-4 years (I don't know how they got away with it!) he also has 2 CCJ'S which he hadn't paid.
When we got together and all this started coming out I got his credit report and had to do some shouting to actually get him to sit down and ring all these companies to set up payments.
There was a lot of "but it's her fault too....." Yes it is but its in your name so affects our future! (He is also paying child maintenance)

After a year carrying on with some payments being set up, but him not remembering to having his money in the right place at the right time and payments bouncing regularly including CSA and him saying he would ring people tomorrow.....and tomorrow and then bailiffs turning up at our house (my house I bought on my own) I took any financial responsibility away from him.
His wages get paid into my account and I make sure everything is paid, if one of these random companies doesn't take the payment on the day I expect I ring up and find out why. (As an aside I've basically had to beg money box 24/7 to take payment! I've set up a DD 3 times and they keep stopping it! But that is the one which is reported the longest so if we have any hope of getting a joint mortgage in the next century it needs paying asap!)

What I would like advice on in how I get things back to normal, it's not normal for him to not be allowed to spend anything, to not be trusted to pay his bills, to basically be treated like a naughty child!
What signs can I look for the start passing things back? He has been telling me from day one he cares about it but his actions showed very different so I obviously can't go in that.
Has anyone been in this situation and worked out a future?

The manner in which a person handles money says a lot about them. You need to ask yourself if you can be in a relationship long term with someone who cannot be trusted to pay bills. In many ways your partner is very child like, if he respected you and the relationship he would have got his act together. You also need to be mindful of the fact that if you have a joint bank account it could ruin the credit rating you have worked so hard to build.



I was once knew of a relationship like this, the likelihood is that your partner will NEVER change. Some people have it in their blood to be bad with money. You will be taking on a lot of stress and inconvenience if you stay with this loser. Do not ignore these stark warning signs, give this waster the boot before he drags you down to his level.

cte1111

I've been in a relationship a bit like this and I'm sorry but he didn't change. He would swear blind that he would but within quite a short time he would be hiding bills and lying about money to me. It was part of being generally quite laid back, which I liked, but also lazy, which was not so appealing!

InsideInsurance

You have to assume they wont and are you comfortable being with someone in the long term that you cannot trust to pay bills etc?

How much of a float do you have at month end? Whilst it is controversial I know a few people who give their partner an "allowance" which is just for their personal spending and so if they blow it all on day one thats fine as all the bills etc will still get paid but they dont get anything else until their next "pay day".

If you started doing this then perhaps you can see how their budgeting is going but you may equally be able to see if in their general attitude to spending is now without this and if they are constantly wanting to go to the pub/ holiday/ beer or whatever their vice is that they spent their money on rather than bills and arent asking how the accounts are standing etc then they havent changed.

LplateSaver

I can sort of emphasise with you my partners not bad with money (he's never had credit before me so obviously no defaults etc) but he's definitely not good with money. I set up the dds from his accounts to make sure his payments are on time, transfer his money into his savings accounts, tell him when hes near his cc limit etc. I'm sure if I left him to his own accord he wouldn't default but he might end up with a few missed payments or go over his cc limit. He's wanted to have a car for years but only recently could purchase one because I had transferred money into a savings account each month for him.
He's not going to change, he has no desire to which seems to be the same for your oh. Your oh should be the one suggesting little ways he could start to become independent not you.

Tigsteroonie

Lozi41 wrote: »

Or is it better to leave things are they are? Everything gets paid, there are no arguments, CSA always goes on time.

If he doesn't have a problem with this and you don't have a problem with this, why do you need to change things? Even if you think that he should be taking responsibility, is it really an issue if he leaves it in your incredibly capable hands?

My OH Marley would freely admit that he has absolutely no money sense. He has no numerical sense (dyscalculia). He is perfectly content to let me control his finances, and the control freak in me is perfectly content with that arrangement too :rotfl:

mgdavid

ditch the man-child and find someone more mature, there are plenty out there.

paddy's_mum

mgdavid wrote: »

find someone more mature

The replacement might have an even bigger character failing and at least this chap is being truthful and allowing the OP to keep their boat on an even keel.

Lozi41

Thanks for all the replies.
Firstly the bank account is in my name only, nothing is linked between us officially.

For a few months now I have been taking cash out each week and that is our budget. Once the cash is spent that is it. It has calmed him down a lot with the "I want" as there was always money in the bank account but it's also hard for me when I want to stretch it a bit because I would quite like take away too that night, or a new top etc!

I suppose it is like teaching a child how to behave responsibly but not everyone was taught these things, not everyone had a loving family.
He has changed so much since I met him and he doesn't have a problem with how things are handled, plus it stops the screaming phone calls when I see something bounced!!
I think I will leave things as they are at the moment, no point messing up a system that works!
He is lovely and fantastic in every other way, so we all have our strengths and weaknesses!
Don't know if it makes a blind bit of difference but all this debt occurred between the age of 19-23 with a child being born in the middle.

colsten

Only you can decide whether you want to accept his financial deficiencies. If you have a happy relationship in which you are both happy that he lives with the money you give him (from his earnings, not yours), there's no reason why you should throw an otherwise happy and fulfilling relationship away.

You need to both be happy with the risks each of you is taking. Your risks are that the situation gradually slips into one where you support him financially, and may be slide into serious debt. His risk is that you get rich from his money and run away with it. Whereupon he'd be poorer but no wiser about dealing with money.

In any good relationship, there are areas in which one partner is stronger than the other. It could be quite boring if both are equally good at everything. As long as neither partner suffers in any way, everything goes, including one of the partners being financially inept.