Home life - at wits end, need advice!

mrcjevans

Hi all,

I'm really looking for some advice on the current situation hopefully I can paint the picture for you.

I'm 30,currently live at my mothers house currently with my brother(30) and her partner, altogether my mother has had 4 girls and 3 boys, all grown up.

Now there are a few issues.

Dogs/Parrot: We have about 6 dogs in the house in the living room downstairs that have taken over, they crap everywhere, no one wants them there, everyone in the family wants to get rid of them except for one sister which I will get too. Also the living room upstairs, this said sister has moved her partners African Grey parrot in there and it !!!!!! everywhere! This was such a nice lounge, think 50 inch tv, great carpet sofas etc

My nans husband has passed away about 2 years ago or so, since then my nan has literally been a nightmare(she also did this previously to a lesser extent, my mum went there everyday), putting so much pressure on my mother, constantly calling her, asking her to come round, not wanting to be alone(fair enough) and always asking to come to my mothers house and as soon as she gets here she asks to go home straight away. She makes my mum feel guilty about everything. She also refuses to get help or go in a home, she had a dog die recently and got a new one, which is making a total mess of her own house now which was soo nice, she can't look after herself, but neither can my mum anymore.

The one sister: I have 3 great sisters and 2 great brothers, this one sister, has always been like this, she is aggressive, she has hit my mother before, you can't have a conversation with her, if you disagree she gets aggressive/violent. She bullies our mum. This girl has a flat with her partner, and has 4 dogs. Every single day she comes round to my mums house and drops these dogs off for work, and gets the previous working days !!!! covered blankets and puts them into my mums washing machine. She says my mum says it's ok, we all ask mum and she says she doesn't like it, you say this to her she goes nuts. This girl also gets my mother to answer every single letter of correspondence about everything calls her constantly. Now I'm sure this must be as a result of drugs when she were in her teenage years.

Now my mum is ill and we don't know what to do, she doesn't know what she's doing, she repeats what you say back to her and she just looks confused all the time. We think she has Dementia, my nan and this sister(surprise) think there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. I'm talking about her soiling the bed without knowing, soiling in my brothers car and not realizing. Going in to rooms at 3am in the pitch black with no lights, climbing over things and staring out the window and I ask what she's doing and she simply replies 'I don't know'. Please bare in mind that my mother has always been scared of said sister, and so are my other sisters. We are getting her health checks currently, my eldest sister who is doing this even gets abuse from this sister everytime she comes in the door to take mum for blood test or whatever.

Now all the kids are in a watsapp convo, and a message that was put together for this sister(Heather) is as follows:

Heather,

A you know mum has been in a bad way for some time and we need to work together to give her every chance sorting out her health problems. Sarah is working to get her diagnosed, but it’s clear that she can’t look after herself at the moment. She doesn’t keep herself clean and therefore has no chance of running a house.

The number of dogs and the mess they leave around the house has not only made things worse, its clearly cruel to keep animals in that condition. I know you love the animals but we are going to make a call to the RSPCA in one week (8th December) to help mum and save those poor animals from any further miss-treatment; this includes the parrot. I know you love the animals but you need to make a decision that is in their best interest.

I thought it was best to give you an opportunity to do the right thing, so you have one week to sort this out before we make that call. I know the dogs are personally not yours, so I’m expecting them to be part of the RSPCA search. However the parrot is Darren’s and you need to relocate him before he is included in the RSPCA call that is going to be made.

You also need to make other plans for your dogs during the day, you cannot continue to leave your pets at mums while you’re at work. It’s an unfair burden to put on a mother that is clearly suffering from sickness. In addition, I assume you would not want your dogs included in a RSPCA search? So again you have one week to make new arrangements for this also.

The animals are flee ridden, live in horrible conditions and obviously suffer from malnutrition. If you love these animals you will understand why we have to do this.

Having the animals gone, will allow us to reclaim the house and start to sort it out for mum; something which she desperately needs.
I understand that it may take more time to resolve than we have given, and in that case we will be flexible. However you need to acknowledge that we are going to stop the poor treatment of these animals and the burdens you are placing on mum, at a time when she needs to place burdens on us.

I hope you understand we have mums best interest at heart, it’s time we all took control of this situation for a lady that is unable to take control herself.

Darren. x


Her response to this message was 'It is mums house it is up to her'

I really do appreciate anyone that takes time out to read this.

mrcow

I'm not really sure what you're asking advise on. The message seems very fair and concise. She has until the 8th, and then make the call.

You need to support your mother, and it sounds as if you're doing just that.

mrcjevans

How do we get her out of the picture without a physical confrontation.

Example tonight I get home and she is there to collect her dogs, she comes and says that Darren(her bf) has found a home for his parrot, but mum doesn't want it to leave(lol).

I said ok I will ask her for myself. Then she starts going mad, you don't need to ask her etc

Errata

Have you asked your mum's GP to assess her mental capacity? And an older people's social worker to assess her living conditions?
Your mum may have lost the plot a bit, but frankly it would appear that so have the rest of you.

mrcow

If she's being physically or verbally abusive, call the police. You don't have to live in fear of someone. She can't threaten or be violent to people. You can ask your mother whatever you like. If the parrot is going, stick in a cage and tell her to take it with her.

mrcjevans

We are all stressed about this, lost the plot though?

We have someone due to come round and check it out in private.

She's verbally abusive every time she hears something she doesn't want too

Errata

mrcjevans wrote: »

We are all stressed about this, lost the plot though?

We have someone due to come round and check it out in private.

She's verbally abusive every time she hears something she doesn't want too

Bluntly, yes, you've lost the plot if you aren't taking immediate action to protect your mum from living in the squalid conditions you describe, or protect her from your sister's violence.
I doubt the above has happened overnight, so you've had plenty of time.

purpleshoes_2

One week to make arrangements for the dogs or else there will be an RSPCA search? If she does make other arrangements what will happen to these pets? Suffering from malnutrition? Id be more concerned about the health of the animals than the opening post seems to imply. If these animals are being maltreated no one who cares about animals should be allowing them to go off with an owner who clearly doesn't care about them.

purpleshoes_2

What has your mothers partner been doing about all of this?

enthusiasticsaver

You've given your sister the ultimatum and you need to keep to it. The dogs obviously urgently need rehoming - maybe speak to your local rescue centre and your mum needs assessing for dementia - there is a test they can do. Try not to leave her alone with your aggressive sister. What does the sister's partner say? As for your nan it sounds like she needs to be assessed to by a health professional. In the meantime if there are several of you as adults living in the property there is no reason for it to be squalid. Presumably even if your mum is unable to look after the house properly one of the other adults, either yourself, your mums partner or your brother can clean up after the animals until they are rehoused.

mrcjevans

Hi, So the RSPCA have been round a few times before, but my sister knew about it so tidied up, the dogs are all deemed healthy, but they are just not cared for in a sense of love etc, they are literally possessions that are fed and watered. So RE the RSPCA, it's more a call to take the dogs away and rehome them, rather than to search the house again