Family rant!

spamalot

This a combined sibling/parent rant that has a tenuous link to money saving at the end - honest!

Ok, first a bit of background then my rant!

My Brother and then girlfriend moved to New Zealand about 7 years ago. The family was upset but we all supported his decision as we thought that it would be the best thing for him. After a couple of years they get married. Everyone goes over for the wedding and it turns into a bit of a disaster. Our parents were divorced when we were very young, there was a lot of animosity between them and really they have never been able to stand being in the same room as each other so it was going to be tricky (they have both remarried so new partners were with them as well). Anyway, it all went a bit pete tong, there was lots of upset as one party felt that they were being slighted whilst the other was getting all the attention, etc,etc. So it was extremely stressful. My brother and SIL didn't handle it too well either, needless to say they fuelled the fire so to speak. Since then it has taken a long time for wounds to be healed. Muggins here ended up trying to keep the peace amongst everyone.

Anyway fast forward a few years and brother and SIL have their first child. My mum is happy and really upset at the same time. happy to be a grandmother but really upset that her first grandchild is on the other side of the world. Again muggins here is trying to be supportive, etc and eventually mum gets used to the idea. Brother and SIL bring the child over to visit UK relatives and again there is tension but at this point we're all trying to play happy families which I always hate as I think that it is really false.

I need to add a bit in here, before first child was born I split up with my husband and was going through a divorce. SIL is my brother's second wife, as he has been through a bitter divorce previously. So I thought that he would be supportive of my situation. When I told brother and SIL they bascially took the mick out of me and laughed at my situation. I was very sensitive at the time and so it really upset me, particularly as I knew my brother had been through it before ( i need to add here that SILs family don't know that brother had been married before and still don't know! which put our side of the family in an awkward position- they are really old fashioned so brother and SIL have this pretence going that they are happily married first time rounders).They came across as being really smug because they were happily married expecting their first child. I have never forgiven my brother for this, he knew how much it had upset me ( I did explain it to him) and he has never apologised. My mum took his side saying that i over reacted!!! She also said that because he was having his first child he had a lot on his plate - does this give him the right to trample over everyone else!! this was after she'd seen me in tears and really upset. I felt that my feelings had been belittled. Needless to say my relationship with my brother took a nose dive and has never recovered. I don't tell him anything about my personal life and TBH I really don't phone him very much. When I do speak to him he keeps asking when I will be going over and I've been making up excuses. I don't want to spend loads of money going over there only to have another row/ feel awkward for weeks and TBH waste money i don't have (thats the money saving bit!!). Its getting harder and harder to come up with good reasons though. This sounds awful but even the fact I have 2 nephews is not motivating me to go over - do I sounds like a callous moo?

My brother and SIL have just had a second child, a little boy. I really have not got involved and have stayed out of the whole thing. I did ring him to congratulate him and got the 'when are you coming over' thing. I had to do some quick thinking.

The thing is that over the years my mum and brother have been at logger heads, my brother has upset my mum and vice versa and it has been muggins here that has been in the middle. But since he and SIL have started having kids they can do no wrong. I try to stay out of it especially since the ruck I had with my brother above but they keep trying to draw me back in. I don't want to cut my family out of my life but sometimes I feel that it is the only way I can keep on an even keel.

I think this may have been a bit of a rambling rant, but I would really appreciate some impartial views on this. I guess what I am really asking is what would you do?

January20

I am not sure this is really impartial as I don't get on with my sister but I know all about feeling like "the least loved sibling", the one that's expected to mend bridges (in my case because I'm the oldest).

I think you are sensible to keep out of it. It looks like you are protecting yourself and that's a good thing. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it so much though.

It would cost a lot of money to go and see your brother and if you are not going to have a nice time, why do it? Yes, you have nephews but frankly if you bro and his wife are going to make you feel this bad, and ruin your holiday what's the point?

It's obvious talking to your brother hasn't worked so what about writing to him? an email or a good old-fashioned letter, where you can state your feelings, reiterate how he made you feel and express your fears about visiting. You can then take your time over what you right and he can't interrupt you, he has no choice but to "listen".

daphne_descends

You know that bit you wrote about your mum and brother being at loggerheads, you being piggy in the middle? Heh. It was like reading my own thoughts.

Trying to be devil's advocate for five seconds - you complain of everyone playing happy families because it's false (I hate it too when my lot try it, they're not even good at it) so I am not sure why you're not just honest with your brother: 'I don't fancy visiting because I think you've been a bit of a sh*t to be honest' - I think I'd have to say something like that in your shoes.

Sometimes I feel like I love my brother to bits, and other times I think I could live quite happily without ever seeing the little t*sser again. I am pregnant and barely hear from him, but then I don't rush to make contact myself because I know it's jsut bloody hassle.

Families, who'd have 'em.

Sorry this isn't much good advice, I don't think I'm good at playing the diplomat

TheWaltons_3

Personally, I would ask for some pictures of the Nephews and congratulate them, but no way would I waste money going over there when you have been treated like this.

They live hundreds of Miles away and it's not like you can ever have a close relationship with those kids is it?

Many famillies are distant but you can't just drop everything and go running over there. That's a lot of money, plus the money you could be losing whilst going over there.

Maybe I sound more callous than you thought you did! :eek:

margaretclare

I completely agree with you. Stay well clear.

One thing rang a bell with me - bro keeps asking when you'll be going over. Not just down the road, the next town, next county etc, but as far as it's possible to go and still be on the planet! My DH relates what he used to say to his Dad, after Mum died and Dad was on his own and playing the 'lonely old father' card for all it was worth. And when he was asked why he hadn't phoned/visited etc DH used to say 'Do you know, it's a very strange thing. It costs exactly the same to phone from your house to mine, as it does to phone from my house to yours. Same with distance to visit - it's just the same distance for you to visit me'.

Why not suggest something like that to your bro? It's the same distance for him to visit you, as it would be for you to visit him.

Margaret

spamalot

It's obvious talking to your brother hasn't worked so what about writing to him? an email or a good old-fashioned letter, where you can state your feelings, reiterate how he made you feel and express your fears about visiting. You can then take your time over what you right and he can't interrupt you, he has no choice but to "listen".

am not sure why you're not just honest with your brother: 'I don't fancy visiting because I think you've been a bit of a sh*t to be honest' - I think I'd have to say something like that in your shoes

Thanks for your replies guys. You both make really good points. I guess the reason why I haven't done this is because:

When I told my brother how I felt the first time round, both he and my mother took the view that I was just being an 'hysterical female'. No one from my family stepped in and said anything to my brother.

This was at least 18 months ago, so any mention of the subject would be 'raking it all up again' in my families eyes and I'm not sure I want to do that. I know that people will say if its still festering with me then I should tackle it head on but TBH I know that I'm going to get the response above so why go through it all again.I know my mum will take my brother's side as he has just had another sprog so I'll doubt if I'll get any support.

I would love to say that response to him ref: coming over, but with distance being a real issue I guess part of me is scared of burning the bridges once and for all. I've discovered that when one party lives on the other side of the world when you have a falling out it is really difficult to mend it.

Just editing to keep up with responses - thanks again!

Waltons - I think you've got a really good point there about the fact that we are never going to have a close relationship with the kids. I think that deep down I've always known that and I think my family has as well, its almost like we're all afraid to actually admit it. So rather than being pragmatic about it we tip toe around pretending that it doesn't matter/isn't going to be a reality. I think the time has come for me at least to drop the pretence.

Sometimes I just want to yell at my brother 'you chose to move to the other side of the world - not us!' Its like he made this choice and now expects us to go over ever year or two years and wonders why its a problem! He gets the hump if we don't clammer to go rushing over there - some of us are trying to have a life you know!!!

Margeret - my brother did come over last year because his work paid for him to go to a conference. He managed to get tickets for wife and child as well, as a bonus. He said that he may come over next year but this is now turning in to a song and dance as well, he says it to mum she gets all excited and now he's saying well it might not happen, so the rug will be pulled from underneath her again and guess who will have to listen to it all!

melg1973

As they say, you can't choose your family.....

I have a strained relationship with my family, especially my brother. The only reason I try and keep in touch is to see my niece, but she's only 10 miles away not like your nephews the other side of the world. I mentioned to my mother the other day that if it wasn't for my niece I probably wouldn't bother with him it all. She won't get involved though as doesn't do confrontation!

I actually am closer to my in-laws than I am to my own family!

nzmegs

As you can tell by my name I am from NZ and went back a few weeks ago for the first time in 8 years. The trip was the longest, most boring and most uncomfortable trip i have ever had, not to mention expensive. So it isn't something to be taken lightly.
having said that - not one member of my family mentioned why I took so long to visit, or how bad i am at staying in touch etc etc. They simply appreciated my being there and unfortunately my Mum died just two weeks after my visit - so i have to say that visiting was more important than I could have realised.
Perhaps your brother feels left out being way over there - sometimes i feel that. And wants the opportunity to show you what his life is like now. His only way of feeling like he is still a part of the family is by making arrangements to visit, or he is hoping you might all come to him.
I know families are strange and I am happy to be away from mine - most of the time - but I am sure he is missing you all (in his way).
I feel sorry for my kids having never known their NZ Nana or their cousins and they ask all the time about them. but I would never place pressure on them to visit me. it is a very very long way to come.
My neice is coming to see us tomorrow. She is in her 20's and is travelling the world. the best thing about being here is that family seek you out when they can. To have someone to visit on the optherside of the world is a marvellous thing but only when is is something you want to do in your own time.

notakid

I come from a very close family and have no problems with them at all. If I had a family like you have just described I'd run a mile! You know you wouldn't enjoy visiting!

My Dad never had much to do with his siblings, when I asked why he said You are my family, I couldn't chose my brothers and sisters but I chose to have a family and you are the ones that matter, not them.

Don't feel bad when your mom goes on just nod and tune out!

Alex_of_Swansea

It's very difficult trying to juggle so many people's feelings. Been there, done that. Sounds like you're doing well in keeping out of it. You could keep saying you can't afford to go over? FiL keeps asking us when we're going to see him in America. We really can't afford it (I'd love to go!) and he understands that. As for your mum, comforting noises without words sometimes helps? They have nothing to quote you on, you haven't lied or taken sides. Just been a sounding board. Things like, Mmm, oh, I see. And if they pick up on it, say you're there to listen, and can't solve this one.

All this took years to master in my family, and I still mess up now. It's up to you how much of a relationship you want with your brother. Hope you can figure it all out.
All the best
A x

Clive_Woody

Ask him to send you the airfare (business class). There are lots of lovely bits of New Zealand, you could always end up in the wrong bit by 'accident' at his expense. The Bay of Islands at the top of North Island is well worth a visit.