Elderly Mum

topsales

Just looking for a bit of advice really. My Mum is in her 93rd year, lives alone in the family home - just a few minutes from me. She has macular Degeneration, so eyesight isn't perfect, she is getting deaf and refuses a hearing aid but otherwise is pretty hale and hearty and has no outside help.
She never wants to go out though I take her shopping once a week and also take her to hospital appts etc. She seems to be getting confused though how much of that is caused by hearing problems is debatable - she certainly has trouble with conversations now. BUT she is very, very independent and,although I feel that she needs a check over by the doc, she refuses. The problem is that I am thinking of moving back to my own house 45 mins away (I am currently renting with the intention of taking her out etc) - I can't get my own house sold. Am I being selfish and or unrealistic in doing this? There are no other relatives within a 300 mile drive.
Just need to know what people think - I have been lying awake in the wee small hours worrying about it.

jaylee3

No you're not being selfish, wanting to live your life, but if you are 45 minutes away (40-50 miles yes?) then that is a long way to keep travelling if your mother suddenly needs you at the drop of a hat.

Reading between the lines in your post, I don't think it's a good move at this point in your life, as I think you will feel bad/guilty. Not that you should feel this way, but I reckon you will.

If it was me, I would stay where you are.

I know several people (middle aged) who moved 35-60 miles from their elderly parents, and within a year or so, their parents needed them a lot more, and it was a huge inconvenience for everyone. Four out of the five people I know, ended up moving back near their parent(s) or having the parent(s) move in with them.

topsales

Thanks, Jaylee, though it is only 25 miles away (in the sticks). The problem with staying where I am is that I am paying a fortune in rent and only seeing Mum once a week, on average - she is happy with this. As I say, I am having trouble selling my house otherwise I would stay where I am in the meantime. I guess that if anything happened I could move in with Mum so I feel that in the meantime, I should just move back to my own house? Maybe answering my own question here..

jaylee3

topsales wrote: »

Thanks, Jaylee, though it is only 25 miles away (in the sticks). The problem with staying where I am is that I am paying a fortune in rent and only seeing Mum once a week, on average - she is happy with this. As I say, I am having trouble selling my house otherwise I would stay where I am in the meantime. I guess that if anything happened I could move in with Mum so I feel that in the meantime, I should just move back to my own house? Maybe answering my own question here..

Yes I think you are. :rotfl:

Well I guess only you can decide for sure. I guess 25 miles isn't a massive distance really.

Do whatever you feel happy with.

I am a bit confused about you saying that you're paying a fortune in rent, but you're struggling to sell your house. :huh:

Are you saying that you have two houses: the one that is 25 miles away, (that you own,) and the one you are renting is the one near mum?

Primrose

I think the law of averages is that your Mum could start to go downhill any any time and the further away you live from her the more yiur own life will,be disrupted if there any no other family members living nesrby to share the caring responsibities

It would make financial sense to give up your rental and move in with yiur mum. Would this mesn having to move furniture etc into storage. Against this you have to balance loaing your freedom and privacy, even if your mu. Werevagreeable. It's a hard one. Could you see if there are any voluntsry groups like AGE Concern in her area who could organise a friendly weekly visit just for a cup of tes and a chat? Her GP surgery or loccal library might be able to peovide details of suitable organisations.

Counting_Pennies_2

If the only reason for going back to the house you own is because it wont sell, I wonder if the question is what should you be doing to make your house more sale'able?


Have you checked the price? Paid a handyman a few days to fix any issues? Does it need a lick of paint, magnolia all over? Carpet clean? Declutter? Ask your agent what it is that is preventing the house from selling. Then try to fix the issue.


If however you are finding moving to the area your mum lives in has not proved right for your own reasons, then yes I think move back home and not worry until the issue arises that she needs more care.


hth

Poppie68

While you can't force your mum to go and see her doctor maybe ask her if she is willing for the doc to do a home visit, explain it would put your mind at rest.

Beckyy

Call the dr surgery and ask if a community nurse can pop in as a 'routine visit to see how your mum is doing as you have some concerns.

Have you looked into getting an assessment for a care at home package for her? (That may be able to include shopping/domestic, though would likely be chargable.) It would take the pressure off you and know that someone will be going in to make sure she's okay. Even if it's just for hot meal prep once a day. It doesn't necessarily mean taking aware her independence, but instead promoting it.

Mojisola

topsales wrote: »

The problem is that I am thinking of moving back to my own house 45 mins away

There are no other relatives within a 300 mile drive.

If you decide it's best for you to move back to your own home, find someone local to your Mum who will act as an emergency contact.

You will find it very difficult having to do a hour and a half round trip every time there's a minor emergency and the idea of her being in serious trouble without immediate help on hand will make you feel awful and will be horrible for her.

gsymoo

my gran is 90. Due to mobility issues she's in a sheltered flat with 24 hour support. She has sight issues (blind in one eye since a child) and also hearing problems as she's got older.

Ww had her hearing re-tested and it made a big difference. She got a better hearing-aid and admitted she didnt like socialising before as she was embarrassed people couldn't hear her. (she used to go to alot of clubs but had stopped). In fact, we found out someone had said they didnt like her sat with them as they had to shout and it was to hard to talk to her!!!

Possibly thats something that might help.

Robin9

We have similar concerns with my 93 years old MIL. She is determined to stay in her own home. She has always taken the approach that £500 spent on the home - magnifiers for reading, phones, aid call - is a week less in a home. She already has private cleaners, gardener, handyman






This week we had a very good home visit with Age UK and are having a weekly visit as part of their Befriending service to include checking the fridge etc. Also to include accompanying to hospital appointment.