I'm going to be homeless at Christmas. I need help sorting everything out.

LostAndAshamed

Okay, so I'm struggling a lot and I don't know what to ask for.

I have a few health problems...bipolar depression and fibromyalgia being the main two.

Back in 2006, my parents made me homeless. They were often violent and have relatively severe mental health issues. I haven't seen them since. I found a friend of a friend whose parents were looking for a lodger, and reported as homeless to the council. My doctors supported my application for housing, and I was put in band B. Unfortunately, I never got a house.

I met my partner and came off the housing list, because we rented together and I managed to hold down a job. I lost the job this year. He has cared for me, in the sense of helping me to do things like shower and eat and go out, when I need him to. He's been lovely and I've never felt as loved and cared for. I've been enveloped into his family, and I thought my life had sorted itself out.

Apart from he's not sure how he feels anymore. He wants me around and he says he loves me, but he can't see us getting married or having children anymore, and that's important to me.

I've found out today that his parents are looking at houses for him (or perhaps us, I have no idea what they know). They've mentioned to our agent that we'd be looking to leave, and when would we need to give notice. We're on a one-month rolling tenancy at the moment. The agent has told the landlord, and we'll get notice shortly.

My partner needs his deposit back to move. He paid the deposit and I paid the moving fees etc, which felt like a fair split at the time. We split everything down the middle. I'm 99% sure that the landlady wouldn't let me stay without him here, because I'm now unemployed and have no income.

I'd like to move back to my home county. I understand where I am there, I know the bus routes and the doctors and it's where I grew up. My family still live in the area, although I'd have no contact with them. I've applied for the housing list, but it looks like it'll be a long, long wait.

My sister was made homeless a few years before me, because she was older. The council/social services decided she needed a type of supported living, and they gave her a secure flat in a lovely area and the option of calling for help when she needed it. They let her have kittens and she pulled herself together quite well there. I think that would help me immensely. I'm not sure what to ask for, though, or who to ask.

I have been assessed by social services as needing severe help, although that was back in 2012. I haven't been assessed where I am at the moment, because I was only here for work/DP. They are supposed to be doing that for me next month.

Do I email both social services departments, explain that I'm going to be homeless, and tell them that I'd like to be considered for some kind of supported housing like my sister had? Can I ask them to move me quickly, because I'm not coping well with this? I'm essentially stuck in my house at the moment, because I can't get to anywhere...it's rural and there are no buses, and a long walk to the train. I don't think I could cope with a hostel, though. I get very anxious around strange people.

My emotional health has plummeted. It couldn't be worse. I'm sleeping all the time just to try and take the pain away.

I don't know what to do. I have no-one to turn too, and I feel broken.

SavingPennies_2

Sorry if I've missed something but would it not be better to speak to your partner first? I don't understand why he would move elsewhere without you or you would want to leave without him - have you broken up? Also why are his parents looking for houses and speaking to your agent..?

hazyjo

Didn't want to read and run. My OH and a couple of friends have the same conditions and I know how it can quickly get on top of you.


It must all seem like a jumbled mess for you at the moment, but you are jumping ahead on a few things and there may be no need to panic/worry.


Same questions as SavingPennies... are you actually splitting up? Do you want to? Why are his parents speaking with the agent - and why do you presume the LL will give you notice to leave?!


One thing at a time... try not to overwhelm yourself.


Jx

LostAndAshamed

Oh, sorry. I guess I brushed over that.

He told me last week that he's not sure how he feels. It's painful being around him since then. He keeps repeating that he's thinking and he'll tell me as soon as he has an answer, that he's not sure why he doesn't want to marry me anymore, but as he isn't actually providing any answers it feels distinctly like he's dragging this out and it's the end.

I don't want to split, but I can't force him to stay. If he doesn't love me anymore, that's it, really.

We were due to be moving anyway, so his parents were helping us look. I think they thought calling would be helpful, too - taking stuff off our plate. Although they didn't tell me until the agent called asking when they can commence viewings this morning.

He's gone away for a few days. The house feels like him, and I miss him like crazy. I'd do anything for him to come back and say that it was a mistake, but I don't think he will. So I need to be prepared for when he comes back, and for where I'll go in the future.

Gigglepig

OP perhaps your partner feels that marriage/children would not be a good idea given the circumstances, but that he still loves you and wants to be with you? To be brutally honest, if you have severe health issues you might not be in the best place for the massive responsibility of having children to look after. And the though of all that responsibility might be overwhelming and scary for your partner, if you already rely on him for support?

It sounds like a great idea to ask for supported housing.

It must be very difficult right now but think baby steps - solve problems bit by bit.

If you were to move back to your old home town, do you have any extended family you could reach out to?

If not, Would your parents be able to provide any support or do they have enough with their own problems? If the reason you fell out was that they did not want you to live with them once you were grown up I would think about whether reconciliation was possible. As an adult, the responsibility for a place to live is one's own - i don't know any of the circumstances but if the situation was that your parents expected you and your sister to find your own places to live once you had grown up, it seems a bit harsh to say they made you homeless.

LostAndAshamed

Thank you all. I agree, one step at a time.

Gigglepig - Unfortunately, I don't think I could reconcile with my family. They made my sister homeless because she hit my mum back during a fight. They made me homeless a few years later because my mum and another sister were fighting with knives, and I had to call the police. Usually I could talk them down, but neither of them were listening, and I had the littler sisters to look after too. After the police left, they kicked me out at 1:30am. It took a long time to try and heal from that.

No reply about supported housing yet. I've left a message.

Still feeling rather broken. I miss him. Every inch of me wants to call him, but it's not a good idea.

dimestorediamond

I am not going to comment or ask anything about your partner or your parents, as only you can make decisions about your relationships.

It might be worth mentioning however, that you have said your partner and his family care about you - does that mean that they will help you find your feet too? I would hope so. A split doesn't have to be sudden and complete immediately. If they can help you, let them, it will help your worries.

As for housing, first port of call should be your doctor. Get your medical needs (mental and physical) up to date and assessed, that way if the council or benefits people need confirmation or your current status, the information is ready to hand over.


Then you should phone the council. There are emergency services available for people without income or a roof over their head. Perhaps posting in the housing/benefit boards will help getting the information.

As for moving back to your home country, you might need to speak to the relevant embassy for details about help with housing and finance, or perhaps your sister can inquire on her end, if you are still in contact?

EDIT: Sorry, I read that as country not county!

TBagpuss

Can you speak to her sister to find out whether she can tell you who she spoke with, and whether she can put you in contact with her support worker or other person who could help you?

Even if your partner decides that the two of you don't have a future together, would he or his family be willing to help you look?

Given your health issues, do you have (or have you had) a social worker or mental health worker yourself who might be able to support you? If you are not already involved with Fybromyalgia UK it may be worth you checking to see whether there is a local support group http://www.fmauk.org/contactsmenu/supportgroups - and perhaps similarly with 'Mind' http://www.mind.org.uk/ in relation to your bipolar. They might be able to help you find an advocate who could support you in dealing with housing etc, for instance.

fivetide

Gigglepig wrote: »

OP perhaps your partner feels that marriage/children would not be a good idea given the circumstances, but that he still loves you and wants to be with you? To be brutally honest, if you have severe health issues you might not be in the best place for the massive responsibility of having children to look after. And the though of all that responsibility might be overwhelming and scary for your partner, if you already rely on him for support?

.

This is the crux of your issues with your partner for me. Sorry OP it sounds like you struggle to take care of yourself sometimes and I am sure your partner feels that burden. Any pressure to take on more responsibility might well be the issue. Even the broadest shoulders have a breaking point.


Concentrate on getting well and seeing if you can find alternative employment. Can you get housing benefit for example instead of looking to be moved? That way you could pay the rent and not have the upheaval of moving home.


Small steps I feel.


Good luck!

bigmomma051204

Didnt want to read and run... Another charity/support to try would be Shelter. They are great http://www.shelter.org.uk/

Absurdlyhonest

I just need you to know this before I say what I need to say to you regarding your very real and painful situation.

The father of my 4 children left us financially destitute 4 years ago. I had no option but to apply for benefits as my daughter is disabled and my youngest was 2. When the benefits cap was enforced I was made homeless.

I currently live in temporary accommodation and have just been served an eviction notice. The council want every single penny I have to pay the extortionate rent on this overcrowded property of which I have no choice but to pay. They have said I need to go to food banks, get vouchers, beg for Christmas presents for the children etc. Although they have found it reasonable for me to keep £25 so I can buy the children a gift this year.

First and foremost, you absolutely need to know exactly where you stand in your relationship. That is your basic human right. I know that you love him and are hurting, I feel for you, I really do. But please heed this advice. I have been there and lost so much. I know it's easy to put your own needs on the back burner for the slightest opportunity to rekindle what you had with him. I don't want to add fuel to your fire but I think maybe a firing inferno is just what you need right now. Have you thought maybe, he and his family know exactly what his plans are? He is being too evasive and it's imperative you tell him YOUR plans.

If his plans do not include you, take the bull by the horns and inform him you are not going to lose your home or any of your possessions. You will then have to come up with a financial plan of say, £2 a week for his deposit. However, if he cannot comply with your plans and move forward from the home you currently share, he will need to intentionally make himself homeless and this is not your problem. It sounds harsh, but you must remember it's important for you to focus on your future.

Obviously, take all the correct steps to ensure you are financially aided, do this now as it takes time. Assume you will be struggling with the rent alone. It is very likely any assistance will not cover your rent and you will find yourself homeless eventually. Theoretically, if you were not to pay any rent at all it will still take between 4-6 months for you to be removed from the property, so keep perspective and put this fear on hold, use this time to assess your options. A lot can change in this time.

Put yourself on the housing register of your desired location. Do this online today! The longer you are on it the better your chances of being permanently housed quicker. Use your local connection and the support you need from friends and family. Also, write to your local MP explaining your plight and need to be close to family. You can find your MP on the internet by simply typing 'find my MP' in the search engine.

When you do receive your eviction notice don't panic! You get 4-6 months from that notice. You will then receive an actual date and time from the bailiffs office. This is the notice you need to take to your council offices immediately for temporary accommodation. On that date, you go to the council at the stated time and date and they, in nearly all cases, will have accommodation prepared for you as they did for my children and I.

It's a very long and difficult process so prepare yourself and stay strong. You have been homeless before and experienced pain in your life yet you still reached out on here because you are strong and haven't given up. You appear to know what you want and where you want to be, be close to your sister, get a kitten, it sounds like a lovely place to heal after everything you will face in your immediate future. Focus on the ultimate goal and remember you are the most important person in your life. Don't be anybodies fool.

Take care and I wish you well.