Struggling with ex's behaviour - using children. Warning massive rant.

YetanotherAE

Ex and I seperated in September, instigated by me as the children and I were not happy with the way things were. Although ex could sometimes be lovely he was controlling and intimidating. There are 5 children involved, 3 mine from previously and 2 together.

when we first split he just took some stuff and went. Things seemed fairly friendly, he was happy to babysit etc. I had my lease changed to my name only. It soon turned out that he thought the whole thing was temporary and all the Mr. Nice was to the end of worming his way back in... He has warned off (or tried to) 3 male friends of mine, nothing going on with any of them he just made himself look stupid there :rotfl: although I was less than happy that he seemed to be trying to isolate me.

Then in half term he came and took the younger 2 and announced that they were going to live with him as they were unsafe with me and their sister (sister has ASD does sometimes lash out, I've been working really hard with her on it and she is now under more control, which, naturally, ex is trying to take the credit for! and neither of the younger children were at risk)

Now there was no residency order and legally he can do that, but to turn up and take them the way he did saying it was forever and outright blame the ASD sibling (told her he was taking them as they aren't safe with her) was completely out of order and very upsetting. After that he was claiming that the children only wanted to be with him not me and they could come home if they asked to. He also posted a load of crap on FB about me having violent alcoholics around the kids, which I wasn't. All I did was comment on the first one to say I wasn't then completely ignored the following 5 days worth of rubbish. He has managed to alienate a lot of people over this and things they've seen/heard from him. Naturally they are not annoyed because of his behaviour, it's because "you've been complaining about me to everyone" as opposed to because he acted like a controlling prat on the internet.

After a really miserable half term without the younger 2 they asked to come home when I went to see them at his (which was unpleasant as when we first got there he kept going on about how much happier they were with him, how i needed to sign their child benefit over to him or he'd have to take them to his sister's which is 2 counties away, then kept trying to kiss and hug me, saying how only I can fix the broken family etc etc) so now they are home, with their sisters, in the house they've always lived in with the primary carer they've always had. So far so good.

Now he is here every night for hours, making snide remarks and outright insults to me in front of the children, contradicting everything I say, doing some major stirring with my routines and consequences and generally being unpleasant. The younger 2 children have asked to visit his house overnight and he has ignored them in favour of taking the older children for the night 1 or 2 at a time. I suspect this is to make it difficult for me to make plans as it means I have to be at his beck and call all weekend.

Last week he borrowed £40 (stupidly I agreed, no he pays no maintenance in spite of easily being able to afford to) I told him I needed it back on payday (today) it was Christmas money. Sooo he turns up at mine tonight, tells the kids I'm buying them KFC, goes off with my money and gives me no change!! So that was the most expensive chicken we ever ate :eek: Also he had 2 big bottles of ready made double chocolate milk and gave them all 2 big glasses of it.... now 2 of mine are really sugar sensitive so were completely hyper and only just gone to sleep :mad::mad:

As he was being completely rude tonight I asked him to leave, bear in mind this was now almost 8pm after 4 hours here!! he refused to leave, when he did go he made a big song and dance about it so the littlest who was in bed got upset and he was saying about how he wants to stay but mummy is horrible and won't let him etc etc

To be honest I've had enough now! I don't legally have to have him in the house but how can I enforce it? I don't want to stop him seeing the children but I'm not prepared to put up with this any longer. The children have started being cheeeky to me every time he leaves as he is undermining everything I do... and yes it may be selfish but I don't want to spend 4 hours being insulted in my own home EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Also I've had to threaten him with the police a couple of times as there have been constant calls/texts saying how he's 'coming over right now as I won't talk' at 1am :eek: Like most people, I was asleep and not best pleased to be disturbed as I have to get up at 6

Can anyone tell me what to do? I don't really want to have him hammering on my door telling the kids I won't let him in and have to call the police after school tomorrow but I really really do not want him here.

TIA for help

NewShadow

Posting and running, but know i'm sympathetic.

I suggest a free half hour with a solicitor to discuss how to formalise your separation and establish the children's home/access rights.

If you're separated - yes he gets rights to see the children, but no more right than a stranger to enter your home or try and touch you.

If you can't tell him that face to face, it'll cost, but a lawyer can...

Yorkie1

I agree with the suggestion to see a solicitor.

I would also keep a record of everything, including your requests for him to leave your house and his refusals, and all the texts / calls you receive at anti-social times.

They, in particular, are bordering on harassment and you would be well within your rights to report him to the police for that. If he refuses to leave the house when asked to do so, then again you can call the police because you fear a breach of the peace.

These would both up the ante, but at least it would show him that you are not willing to be pushed around without any consequences.

But a solicitor to get things formalised would be a good way to go too.

ecgirl07

Dont let him your house. Let him pick the kids up from his car and return them to the door.

Caroline_a

Agree with the solicitor half hour - you must get this formalised! Then apply to CSA for maintenance for the children. Do you get maintenance for the ones that aren't his?

RAS

He has no right to come into your house. He has a duty to pay CSA.

I suggest you print off the Facebook allegations, keep an record of all other abuse and go see the police with a view to possible harassment case.

Speak to Womens Aid or Refuge and see if they can support you.

See a lawyer and think about getting proper contact arrangments in place. The norm would be every other weekend and one night a week.

With his background you need this to be formalised.

lulu_92

You know you can refuse him from entering your house, right? Although judging by this that probably wouldn't stop him.

Echoing above advice - Keep a log of everything, call the police, speak to Womens Aid and Refuge. Get the free half an hour with a solicitor.

I seriously hope this gets better for you and your children.

millysg1

If he has a key to the house, get the locks changed ASAP - speak to your landlord about it.

If he turns up and starts shouting, call the police

Keep records of everything, print off anything you can (emails and texts) and keep a diary of EVERYTHING! Noting all the horrible things he says and does.

He doesn't need to see them every evening all evening. You need to sort out a Rota for when he has his kids. He shouldn't being taking the three that aren't his and leaving the two that are. He has no rights to seeing the older 3 that are not his if he has no PR.

Most importantly. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

Stop being walked all over by him! Yes there will be some backlash to start with but it will make the future so much better for you and your children!

millysg1

and sort out CSA NOW

TBagpuss

1. Make an application to CMS (formerly CSA) They cannot back date applications, so the sooner the better given that he is not paying anything voluntarily. It does cost a little more, but in the situation you describe, you may be best off letting them collect the money (which they will be able to do via his employers, if he will not cooperate).

2. Log every incident of harassment and every threat, with the police. Make sure you get a crime reference number every time and be clear that that you want them to pursue it as harassment. If they tell you you need to get an injunction, tell them that you are getting legal advice but that whether or not you take civil proceedings you want them to deal with the harassment as a criminal matter.

3. Work out what arrangements for contact will work, and send a letter to him (keep a copy and proof of posting) setting these out. Keep it very businesslike - no allegations about his behaviour, just "I feel it is in the childnre's best interests that they have a stable routine and know when they will be seeing you, so I propose that you have them from [day and time] to [day and time]. Say what arrangemetns you propose for hand over. As he is harassing you, it may be best for this to be away from your home. Do you have any family members who could help out? if so, then proposing that he collect the children from (say) their gran or auntie, rather than from you, may help (or, if his work pattern allows it, pick them up direct from school and drop thenm back to school the next morning.
If you don't have anyone who can help, then suggest a neutral venue - do you have a big supermarket nearby? they can be good as they normally have lots of parking, CCTV, space to shelter if someone is late and there are normally lots of people, including security guards, around, and so he is less likely to misbehave, and if he does, you can make a lot of noise yelling for help and the chances are good that someone will, in fact, help.

4. See a solicitor. Ideally, look for one who offers legal aid. Although legal aid is not available for most family cases, it is still available where there is Domestic Violence or abuse, which seems to be the case in your situation. The Legal Aid Agency does need evidence that this is the case, so reporting issues to the police will help. Also, even if you are not eligable for legal aid in the first instance, its worth seeing a solicitor to get some general advice and also consider getting them to write a formal warning letter about his harassment of you - this will make it easier for the police to pursue him, if there is clear evidence that he has been told his behaviour is harassment.

5. Do not let him into the house. If he shows up other than at a pre-agreed time, to collect the childnre, do not open the door. If he will not go away, call the police. If you don't go down the neutral venue / friends or family route, and he is collecting the children from the house, do not let him in. Call through the door to say you're on the way, get the children all ready then let them out. There is no reason why he needs to come in. If he asks to come it speak to you, it is OK to say no (it's not really appropriate to try to discuss things in front of the children, anyway).

6. Do not let him into your home. (repeated for emphasis)

Unfortunately, the likelyhood is that things will get worse before they get better. He is used to a situation where he is able to control you and you do what he wants. He will try to manipulate you to make that happen,. He will almost certainly try to claim that you are stopping him seeing his children, that you are a bad mother, that if he refuses to see the children because he can't have his own way you are the one who is preventing contact, etc etc. Do not give in to his bullying. Quite apart from anything else, your children will benefit from seeing you modelling a proper, adult relationship where both parties voices are heard, rather than growing up thinking that bullying and manipulation are normal.

You may find the Wikivorce forum and website useful as you will find other members who have had simialar experiences. Also check out http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310003 and Womens Aid generally - ther ea re lots of great resources

Even though he has not (as I understand it) been physically violet towards you his current behaviour is abusive.

You have taken the most importnat step of splitting from him but this is a work in progress.

Be aware that it is very common for an abusive partner to use the children as a way of trying to maintain control over you. It can be really helpful if you can make arrangements which mean you don't have anything to do with the hand overs so that he does not get to see you when he picks up or returns the children. You may find that he significantly reduces the conact so be prepared for that.

If he taks the childnre and refuses to th return them you would be able to make an emergency application for them to be returned toyou - if this is in the context of an abusive relationship legal aid may be available but it is absolutely vital that there is documented evidence of the abuse. Next time you speak to the police, ask them if they have a Domestic Abuse officier you can speak to. They may be able to offer support, practical help such as changing locks (depending on the force -ours has a 'bobby van' which does repairs and things at cost price or domestic abuse victims and other vulnerable people) and may also be able to refer you to local support groups.

Good luck, and good for you for taking steps to protect yourself and your children.

Also let your children's school know what is happening, including about your ex's threats and malicious accusations. That way, they can support your children if they need it, and will be aware of the background if your ex trys to draw them in.

Guest101

OP, u mentioned he hoped to reconcile, i take it you dont want this at all?

I only ask as it might be muddying the waters if he was "babysitting" at your house, perhaps there are something you have said or done to give him the wrong impression?

Also clearly the break up was one sided. And what he misses is probably a nice stable life with u and with the kids, going from coming 'home' to come home (ie from family, to loneliness) can be very difficult.

Not justifying his behaviour, just making some points.

There's a difference between being controlling, and trying to stay in control. im not passing judgement on what this is.

Harassment is obviously a no-no. but have you considered mediation? relate?