How to turn down invites

curtis122

My friend is a very couple person, likes to always meet up as a couple and do the you come round my house for dinner we then come to yours. She is not a close friend but a 'someone I used to work with who stayed in touch' more of a friend so meeting at times can be a bit strained as we don't have a huge amount in common. I'm starting to find the situation more and more awkward when she suggests stuff.

In general my husband and I don't mind the odd meet up with people but we are a very private and close couple and like our own company most of the time and if we meet up we prefer to meet on neutral ground so there are no underlying expectations set that as we have been round someones house they expect it then next at ours which has been hinted at several times by her as thats just not us.

We have been asked to meet up again just the 4 of us and I'm finding it hard to get the balance between being blunt to make my point in we don't really want this without it being too blunt so it comes over rude or horrible to also being nice but not too nice where its flimsey and more of an excuse and just opening it up to further 'meets ups' later.

Anyone else understand where I am coming from and how have you handled it?

fairy_lights

If you'd rather meet up on neutral ground than in one of your houses for dinner, say there's a restaurant/bar you've been wanting to go to and arrange to meet there, that way you can leave whenever you want and won't feel trapped in their company. If you don't want to meet up with them at all say your really busy this side of Christmas with family events and work.
Do you want to continue the friendship or would you be happy to never see this couple again? If it's the former I think you have to bite the bullet and socialise with them occasionally, just try to arrange events where you will feel more relaxed.

Alikay

If you'd like to stay as "meet up for coffee once in a while" friends, then next time she invites you both over, you could say "DH is very busy at the moment, but how do you fancy just you and I getting together for a coffee and chat at Costa?"

curtis122

I have tried this the only problem is this it just pushes the invite onto another time soon after when we are all free and there are only so many times you can keep making an excuse. Nearly all of the time we feel pressured and don't enjoy the meet up at all.

This is what makes it so hard, tryingto get the point over that we don't really like this and want this very often (if at all) and not hurting feelings or making it very awkward and uncomfortable for us.

Orlando_Virgin

curtis122 wrote: »

I have tried this the only problem is this it just pushes the invite onto another time soon after when we are all free and there are only so many times you can keep making an excuse. Nearly all of the time we feel pressured and don't enjoy the meet up at all.

This is what makes it so hard, tryingto get the point over that we don't really like this and want this very often (if at all) and not hurting feelings or making it very awkward and uncomfortable for us.

I know it's easier written than said, but life is too short to be spending time with people you don't really want to spend time with? I'd understand if they were family, it sounds like she classes you as a closer friend than you do her obviously. I don't think there's a need to be rude, but I'd just keep making excuses until they get the message, I know I would stop inviting someone if they couldn't make it every time.

Either that or you're in to a very awkward conversation that involves you being blunt.

Buzzybee90

You need to think of it from her perspective, she's probably trying to spend time with people she considers friends, she probably enjoys hosting. If you're really that against going for a meal at someones house then tell her, I'm sure she could find other people to invite that might enjoy themselves.

cazziebo

"I'm really maxxed out at the moment with one thing and another and not in a position to make plans. Can I give you a bell when things are a bit clearer?"

blueneleh

cazziebo wrote: »

"I'm really maxxed out at the moment with one thing and another and not in a position to make plans. Can I give you a bell when things are a bit clearer?"

I agree this is a good one.
Christmas is coming up and I know I've got lots of things booked up in the run up so it's a believable excuse. Any time you do have free time just say that due to your hectic schedule you want to make sure you spend some time relaxing at home and have a bit of you and DH time.

Flossie.

cazziebo wrote: »

"I'm really maxxed out at the moment with one thing and another and not in a position to make plans. Can I give you a bell when things are a bit clearer?"

This is though (as the OP said) just putting it off, and by saying that, it's just giving the woman the impression that the OP will do it eventually.

This is so awkward; there is little you can do except avoid her!

theoretica

Would your OH be happy to be blamed? Thank you for your kind invitation, we have discussed and OH doesn't seem keen, how about you and I meet for coffee?

Brighton_belle

cazziebo wrote: »

"I'm really maxxed out at the moment with one thing and another and not in a position to make plans.

I'd go with this. No promises to ring later.
I've just learnt to be very honest. Being aggressive and unpleasant is rude. Politely and calmly saying 'we just can't to take on any extra commitments on top of what we are already managing, but we really appreciate you asking' is not rude, it's just honest.
Yes, I always turn down invites from people unless I 100% feel excited at the prospect of spending my spare time with them. I learnt the hard way that spending my time with people I found wearing was very detrimental to my health and wellbeing.