A little advice on OH's daughter please?

findingmyownway

Lizalu wrote: »

We have mentioned it to her mum, but her mum just puts it down to being a kid, thinks that it's normal. But it's really not. I talked to Oh's daughter last night and it's nnot letting off steam just cos she's with her mum, she burst into tears and told me how angry she was with her mum.
Her mother always has people round at the house, and they always get drunk. They end up singing on karaoke and dancing in the living room. It's all in good fun but it does also happen at least twice a week. I told her that her mum's allowed to have fun and that she should be glad that her mum's enjoying herself.
OH's daughter simply said, how am i meant to have respect for someone who gets drunk and embarrasses herself all the time?
she's far too clever for her own good.

Ah ha i see! Nice that she opened up to you and told you the reason behind her anger. I can see DD has a point, but you were right to point out that Mum has a right to a life too! How about encouraging her to talk to her Mum about it. Tell her that seeing her drunk makes DD feel uncomfortable. Maybe suggest that DD spends the nights when her Mum has friends round at your house??

Lizalu

She knows she's always welcome to sleep at ours, only thing is her mother doesn't want her to a lot of the time, especially when she's had a drink. We've had a few texts from daughter late at night saying, can i move in with you? but when we call her in the morning she's always a lot happier.

I'm going to get OH to talk to the mother about it, and I'll try to persuade daughter to give her mum a bit of a break, she doesn't have to be in the same room if her mum's drunk etc. thanks.

candygirl

My daughter was hell on wheels when she reached 11, she had been an angel up till then.I think it's a case of hormones in, wits out.She only started to improve when she left home to go to uni, now we get on fine:p

findingmyownway

Lizalu wrote: »

She knows she's always welcome to sleep at ours, only thing is her mother doesn't want her to a lot of the time, especially when she's had a drink. We've had a few texts from daughter late at night saying, can i move in with you? but when we call her in the morning she's always a lot happier.

I'm going to get OH to talk to the mother about it, and I'll try to persuade daughter to give her mum a bit of a break, she doesn't have to be in the same room if her mum's drunk etc. thanks.

At 12 years old she's capable of deciding for herself when she wants to sleep at your house. Maybe the best way of getting round her mum would be to plan it before her friends come / the vodka comes out? I would guess that her mum has no idea how upset DD is about seeing her drunk all the time.

I would tell DD that she can phone any time and the next time she does (assuming you are free to have her) then you and OH go pick her up. If her mum is drunk then she's not going to be in any state to argue against DD going with you if thats what she wants. No child should have to listen to their parents getting drunk on a regular basis. As a one off, of course these things happen. But if the Mum can't see that her problem is upsetting her daughter so much she would be better off out of there.

There's a life lesson here for her - in that you can't control other peoples behaviour but you can control your own and remove yourself from people & situations that you don't like. She old enough to be given a say in where she stays. If you support her now she'll hopefully be strong enough to stay well clear of alcohol when its friends & boyfriends getting drunk

Errata

Lizalu wrote: »

She knows she's always welcome to sleep at ours, only thing is her mother doesn't want her to a lot of the time, especially when she's had a drink. We've had a few texts from daughter late at night saying, can i move in with you? but when we call her in the morning she's always a lot happier.

I'm going to get OH to talk to the mother about it, and I'll try to persuade daughter to give her mum a bit of a break, she doesn't have to be in the same room if her mum's drunk etc. thanks.

Her mother always has people round at the house, and they always get drunk. They end up singing on karaoke and dancing in the living room.

My personal opinion is that mum needs to give her daughter a break. Mum has responsibility for daughter's wellbeing and safety and getting drunk regularly isn't being a responsible mother.

However..........given that mum has friends round who also get drunk with her, perhaps it might be sensible for you and/or your OH to have a quiet chat with daughter about how she can keep herself safe from inappropriate suggestions/behaviour from drunk visitors. A bit like stranger danger but fitted to the situation daughter finds herself in.
HTH, it's a difficult situation

djdido2

My daughter is exactly the same at the moment. Just left primary school and has the sterotypical "teen" bad attitude. Nothing I do or say is right! She is grumpy for absolutely no reason. I embarrass her even though I am only young (early thirties) myself.

Like you I am always looking for ways to deal with it but I think it is just a phase that will even itself out when she matures. I just let her know on a regular basis that I love her with all my heart and that I am there for her anytime she needs me.

She does not see her dad that often and he does not live with us he does not bother with her that much and I thought this might be a factor that was causing her behaviour but after speaking to alot of other mums with children in the same class it seems that the majority are all acting the same.

Apparently it gets worse!!!! EEK!!!