A little advice on OH's daughter please?

Lizalu

Hi all
So my Oh has got a daughter who's 11, almost 12. She's always been very polite and sweet-mannered however over the last couple of months she's started answering back and being quite awkward. Oh and I put this down to her going through girl things and have not really had a go at her about it as she's had SATs and is starting new school etc.
Then I was on the phone to her mum while the kids were at their house and i could her daughter shouting in the background. I've never heard her shout at all before but she was just screaming at her mum, I was very shocked - the mother just started screaming back at her equally crazily with me just hanging on the line.

My OH was very surprised at this, it's really not like her and we're both quite worried that she's stressed about things. So OH asked me to talk to her tonight, we've always gotten along well, more like sisters than step-mum/daughter, but I don't really know how to approach it. I don't want to be seen as criticising her mum, but she's clearly a lot angrier there than she is when she's with us and I don't want her to be unhappy at all.
Any suggestions?
Thanks

Errata

How about having the conversation that goes "You don't seem like your old self at the moment, and I'm a bit worried about you. Is there something that's giving you grief/upsetting you/worrying you? "
Could be it's mum's screaming that's the problem. Takes two to tango.

belfastgirl23

Yep agree with errata's approach. But her behaviour sounds like being a teenager to me I keep hearing versions of this same story from a lot of mums of teenage girls. I'd say don't push too hard on it, just make sure she knows you're available.

Lizalu

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Yep agree with errata's approach. But her behaviour sounds like being a teenager to me I keep hearing versions of this same story from a lot of mums of teenage girls. I'd say don't push too hard on it, just make sure she knows you're available.

That's the thing - I don't want to push her or make her annoyed with me but it's just so unlike her. I guess it is mostly teenager behaviour it's just how quickly she's changed that's shocked me. I'll just try having a girly heart to heart, find out whether there's something more to it at her mum's.

findingmyownway

Hi, I sympathise with your situation.

My step D has also just finished year 7 and has been a nightmare for her mum this year (well, they’ve never had a good relationship but it has been worse this year to the point where she moved in with us).

The anger and grumpiness sounds like pretty normal teenage stuff. Have you spoken to her mum about the behaviour? Pointed out that she doesn’t behave like that while at your house? In my case, stepD gets away with total murder at her mums and thus has absolutely no respect for her. Whereas when she is with us (or at school etc) she is totally fine. From what you said about her mum shouting back at her leads me to believe that it might be the way her Mum chooses to deal with her that allows the cycle of shouting / arguing etc to continue.

Your situation sounds so familiar to me its scary – PM me anytime.

pipkin71

Lizalu wrote: »

I don't want to be seen as criticising her mum, but she's clearly a lot angrier there than she is when she's with us and I don't want her to be unhappy at all.
Any suggestions?
Thanks

She could seem angrier when she is with her mum, because she feels she is safe to let off steam against mum than anyone else. You know how mums love you no matter what, whereas, if she was to scream and shout at school, or with her friends, there are deeper consequences.

It could be normal growing up angst, or stress at the upcoming change of school, and nothing really to do with mum at all.

Well done you though :T on caring so much about your OH's daughter. I hope you find the right way to approach it, and let her know that she can talk to you about anything, as she may not be ready to at the minute.

Good luck
Pipkin xxx

buxtonrabbitgreen

I was just going to say the same thing Pipkin. Teenage girls can be very very moody and stroppy. I find that with my own DD 13. Her behaviour is ok at friend's houses as far as I can tell. But as you say she knows home is the safe place to vent.

Savvy_Sue

Lizalu wrote: »

and I don't want her to be unhappy at all.

sorry, at that age 'unhappy' comes with the territory!

I think you've had good advice from other people. If she feels safe to be stroppy, she feels safe ...

Lizalu

findingmyownway wrote: »

The anger and grumpiness sounds like pretty normal teenage stuff. Have you spoken to her mum about the behaviour? Pointed out that she doesn’t behave like that while at your house? In my case, stepD gets away with total murder at her mums and thus has absolutely no respect for her. Whereas when she is with us (or at school etc) she is totally fine. From what you said about her mum shouting back at her leads me to believe that it might be the way her Mum chooses to deal with her that allows the cycle of shouting / arguing etc to continue.

We have mentioned it to her mum, but her mum just puts it down to being a kid, thinks that it's normal. But it's really not. I talked to Oh's daughter last night and it's nnot letting off steam just cos she's with her mum, she burst into tears and told me how angry she was with her mum.
Her mother always has people round at the house, and they always get drunk. They end up singing on karaoke and dancing in the living room. It's all in good fun but it does also happen at least twice a week. I told her that her mum's allowed to have fun and that she should be glad that her mum's enjoying herself.
OH's daughter simply said, how am i meant to have respect for someone who gets drunk and embarrasses herself all the time?
she's far too clever for her own good.

Errata

The daughter sounds very sensible and aware and clearly is comfortable having an open and honest chat with you. Perhaps you could explain to her that it's ok for her to love her mum and at the same time hate and have no respect for her mum's behaviour?

Lizalu

She is incredibly sensible and to be honest I agree with her about this - she shouldn't have to see her mum like that so often. But I will talk to her again tonight and try to explain what you said. Thank you for your help!