Dad (probably) making a huge mistake - want to protect him but can't.

CustardAndPickles

About 8 years ago, my Dad walked out of his 30 odd year marriage to be with "a woman he met on the internet". As a result, Dad lost Mum (obviously) but also his son, who decided that he wanted nothing else to do with dad because of the way he treated mum. The marriage had been very unhappy, so I stayed in touch with both Mum and Dad, and managed pretty well.

Dad has got bipolar type 2, which he's never had any treatment for. It runs in the family though, and he has all the hallmarks, the hypomania, crazy schemes, uncontrolled spending and then the crash and the depression. When Dad left Mum, he walked out completely but he had a decent enough job and no debt, and some savings (I think he cashed in some kind of pension)

Dad bummed around with "the woman" for a while, cooking up mad schemes between them (I think she is also a bit ill) which included faking marriages in the USA for green cards and becoming property developers (neither of them have any experience of this). They considered moving abroad, but this kind of fell through, I think. While Dad was with "the woman", he cut off all contact with me - not deliberately, I don't think, just because nothing else mattered except her. Anyway, unsurprisingly, it eventually all went wrong, and she upped and left him, leaving Dad in bits. She walked out of the flat they'd been renting taking everything he owned, having hired a van to do it. She cut off all contact with him and dad returned home one day to an empty flat and a voicemail saying she'd left. Dad crashed badly, and according to what he told me later ended up being visited daily by a mental health nurse. They tried to persuade him to go to a psychiatric hospital but he wouldn't go. I can only imagine how ill he must have been.

Eventually he managed to pull himself together and bought himself a little flat. He kept well away from relationships with women as far as I know, and his relationship with me eventually got better too. He kept going to work, and all seemed good for a while. The woman had left him with a lot of debt (Dad had spent lots of money trying to impress her, and an ongoing HP purchase on a ridiculously expensive car) but he could just about afford the flat, with the knowledge that in five years time the mortgage would be paid off and he could sell or rent it.

I live a long way from Dad, but I tried to keep regular visits and texts and calls. He's quite solitary and missed The Woman like mad, but agreed that she had been no good for him. He liked my cat, so I bought him a similar one as a "link" to reality, someone to come home to and see so he might not feel so lonely all the time.

Everything seems fine and August time I go visit. His phone is old so we get him a new iPhone and I show him how to use it. He's not the best at answering his phone sometimes so I asked him if I could use the FindMyIphone service to check where he was, which he said was okay - he's got mine, I do a sometimes dangerous job and he worries a bit. He's fine, cat's fine, alls good.

A month later we're talking about him coming to visit for Christmas and he's getting shifty. Doesn't know if he'll be working - even though he gets his schedules months in advance. Dad's not a good liar and I ask him if theres something up. No, nothing up, alls fine...but then he goes ages without answering any texts or phone calls, so I try tracking his phone. He's 300 miles away, at the seaside.

I call him and eventually he answers. Says he's there on holiday, spur of the moment, by himself, watching a play. Dad has never had any interest in plays. Over the next few days I track his phone, he's travelling round an area that's not his home even though he should be at work. Keeps going back to the same location at night though.

Eventually he discloses it all. He's sold his flat, paid off the HP on the car, leaving him with about £40K. He's quit his job and is seeing the Woman again. The two of them are - allegedly - going to buy a flat near the seaside. The cat - allegedly - is in kennels, and has been now for over three months at a cost of about £7 a night.

The horrible thing is: I don't believe him. I know he's sold his flat, but I don't believe he and The Woman are going to buy a new one because at his age, and with a maximum of £40K, and no job, he's not going to get a mortgage (The Woman doesn't work). I don't believe the cat is in boarding, I think he's just turfed her out, which horrifies me. Dad won't tell me his new address, although I know the town via FindMyIphone, assuming he's still there, his phone has been offline recently.

As far as Dad is concerned, the woman can do no wrong, but every other time (theres been a few split up and get backs I've not listed) its a case of - she turns up when theres money and legs it when she's spent it all. The last times though, Dad has had a flat so at least he's had something to fall back on. Now the flat has gone, and he's no interest in me. He knows I'm here for him - I've emailed him that - but I don't know if he'd get in touch with me if she leaves him again because he's pretty independent and having everything taken from him might be too much for him to seek help.

I don't think there's anything I can do. I have no power of attorney or anything like that. Its his money so I can't stop him spending it how he wants. I don't think the woman's done anything illegal, so theres nothing to report. Is it really just going to be a case of waiting until Dad hits rock bottom and hope he makes contact?

trailingspouse

Hi
Didn't want to just read and run, but not sure what I can say that will help.

I think you've done very well to keep up the contact with him for this long, and I'm sure on his better days he appreciates it.

I would caution against assuming he has bipolar without a diagnosis. He may just be an incredibly selfish person who doesn't give a !!!! for anyone else. If he's known to the mental health services, I'm guessing they have made some sort of assessment/diagnosis of his mental state?

I suspect you're right - all you can do is be there when it all comes tumbling down around his ears.

Tropez

Terrible situation but other than continually reminding that you're there for your dad, there's not much else you can do.

As for the cat, if he's not lying, is there any way that you could take it? (I know cats tend to get a bit narky around each other so it might not be possible).

bugslet

Another not wanting to read and run.

I agree with the other two posters, that there isn't much you can do. I think you've been a star so far with him and guess you will be in the future, hwatever happens to him.

You say the Woman can do no wrong and you are right I am sure. as a wise friend of mine said when my OH was having a fling, you can't fight sex and religion.

I hope someone comes along that can give you some good advice.

nonnatus

Wow.

I have no experience of any of what you write about but just wanted to make the point that you seem like a Saint to put up with it all. You must have very broad shoulders!

No-one can accuse you of not doing enough, maybe now is the time to back off and let him sink or swim? He's not a child. He's an adult that knows the rules of the world. I suspect he knows this woman has financial motives but can't bear to admit it to himself because ANY attention is better than NO attention.

Let his local health authority know he's vulnerable and then take a step back, knowing that if he calls out to you or needs you, you'll be there like a shot. But you can't allow his behaviour to rule your life.

(you write beautifully, by the way - is that how you make your living?)

summerspring

I am guessing he has a diagnosis of bi-polar but doesn't take medication to try and control it? As a result he seems to be lurching from one self-inflicted disaster to another, which must be very concerning for his nearest and dearest.

jackieblack

nonnatus wrote: »

He's not a child. He's an adult that knows the rules of the world. I suspect he knows this woman has financial motives but can't bear to admit it to himself because ANY attention is better than NO attention.

Let his local health authority know he's vulnerable and then take a step back, knowing that if he calls out to you or needs you, you'll be there like a shot. But you can't allow his behaviour to rule your life.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ :T

hazyjo

My OH's bipolar so I do empathise. The only way he controls himself is to now be my house-husband, not to have money, no responsibility or stress. I have no idea how he'll cope if something disastrous happens.


It is kind of in their personality to be totally obsessed, absorbed or controlled by something/someone. I suppose I'm now my OH's obsession, but in a healthier way - me, the cats, and our lovely home. It used to be cocaine (extremely common with bipolar).


Any hint of coke being involved? I knew an awful leech of a woman once who hung around with a friend of my BF's - she would sh*g anyone who plied her with coke or bought her drinks or paid her attention, apart from this one bloke. He was totally obsessed with her. The one time she told him to get stuffed (putting it mega-politely - more in the region of 'FO' every time he went near her) was when he had zero money and had debt collectors chasing him. He's married (to a very unhappy wife who didn't believe he was taking coke), with two (almost feral) children.


He once paid for this skanky woman to get a cab from Brentwood to Glastonbury, he took her to Ireland on a work trip (and apparently gave her a bottle of wine to get her up in the morning), he'd lend her money which he rarely got back, buy her stuff (sex toys and the like - and gave her thousands to spend on house repairs (ie coke)), and his wife often knew he was out with her, away with her, or giving her money. Honestly, like a prostitute but with no money changing hands. Great deal for her, naff all for him except a drained bank balance at the end of every month. And at that time he was on well over £100k with tens of thousand bonuses (and payday loans coming out of his ears). Just madness. I also believe he was bipolar.


Sometimes they just won't listen. Me & my OH had some MASSIVE rows in Brentwood. Nearly enough to get the police called. It would be like smashing my head on a brick wall - he'd say one thing, then go totally mad doing another (or going on the missing list). When we split up once, he went totally loopy and sold his laptop for around £90 and put it all on a horse (obv lost the lot). He's been perfect (apart from a couple of episodes where he got drunk indoors on his own when I was at work cos something had stressed him out) since we moved just over a year and a half ago.


Until this woman is totally out of the picture, there's not much you can do. My BF was not in control of his own mind when going through most of his life (can't begin to tell you what he's lost, thrown away, destroyed, or sold - easily the equivalent of hundreds of thousands of pounds, along with marriages, family, etc...). Maybe getting rid of all he owns and losing her again will be the starting point he needs to move forward.


Good luck. I feel your pain.


Jx

FatVonD

Could you ask your dad to contact the cattery giving them permission for you to collect the cat? If he won't do that and you really believe he has turfed it out could you go back to his old address and ask the neighbours if they have seen it around?

Re your dad being bled dry by this woman again, is it possible that he is considering spending at least part of the £40,000 on a caravan since they are planning to live at the seaside? I do hope so and that he won't be left with nothing and nowhere to live.

Tygermoth

I am a horrible human being, i am just worried about the poor cat!

Errata

Is it really just going to be a case of waiting until Dad hits rock bottom and hope he makes contact?

It probably is unless you can find a way of tracking down his address, but do stay in phone contact with him. The suggestion of contacting the 'local health authority' is a non-runner, they don't exist.