How many chance's do you give

Pollycat

Friends (and family, I guess) can only take advantage of you and use you if you allow them to.

It's up to you how long you are 'happy' to allow this to go on.

Personally, if I texted a friend and didn't get a reply until they got in touch to ask me to do something for them, I wouldn't class them as a friend for very long.

I have friends I text on-and-off to discuss stuff like the latest episode of The Apprentice or Masterchef and maybe my text is the last one or theirs is.
The difference is that they don't ask me to do things for them next time they get in touch.

I'd sit down and consider if I thought these people you talk about are really friends or if they are users and decide if I still want to be in contact with them.
If you do, next time they ask you to do something, tell them 'no' and see how they take it.

Daisy-May*

Thank you for all your replies.

The main thing was whether I was being too harsh and being unfair to my friend but I do think I have helped them a lot and all I would like is a little thought from them.

I am going to cut back on making the effort as usual, I haven't actually said yes to helping them yet as I said I would let them know once I knew what I was doing on that day, so I have left my options open for now anyway!

BitterAndTwisted

I'm generally quite forgiving with people I like but if I was in your position I would cut this person out like a cancer. They are taking the pee and you know it. My response to their latest communication would have been "Yes, I'm fine, thanks for asking. Funny how the only time I hear from you is when you want something from me. I'm all out of somethings from now on, so you need to make your own arrangements without me. Cheerio."

BitterAndTwisted

Daisy-May* wrote: »

I haven't actually said yes to helping them yet as I said I would let them know once I knew what I was doing on that day, so I have left my options open for now anyway!

As they say on Mumsnet: "'No' is a complete sentence.";)

TrickyWicky

Daisy-May* wrote: »

I've got a friend who I have helped out a lot especially in the last 3/4 months, always going to them (they do not live just a 10 min drive away), the last 3/4 times they would make sure the would come to me and guess what they haven't.

I text them a few times, do not get a reply and then when is suits them I get asked to help them out yet again.?

Don't bother with them - just be permanently busy. Infact when they next ask for help you're so busy that you could actually use their help - just see how long they stay on the phone at that point.

I have a few so called friends like that too. One I've known for 16 years but refuses to ever come and visit me (despite me taking him multiple crates of beer on his birthdays etc). The other.. 6 or 7 years, been to visit him loads of times and in his defence he's the first to invite me over but does he ever come here? Not once! The moment either of them want something though...

Then there is my partners brother. Always breaking his or his girlfriends computer.. always wanting me to fix it for nothing. They both work he earns very good money has a good car etc, I'm in a hole and they expect me to fix it for free. I swear their butts are so tight they use vaseline to stop them squeaking. I'm not talking a cheap repair either I'm talking an entire strip down and rebuild of a laptop and its cooling system - something that would have cost them in excess of £150-200 if they paid for it. I had the thing back up here again a few days ago too as they got it infected with all sorts of nasties... What did I get for it again? Nothing! Well not quite true.. my missus did insist he bring me a box of chocolate biscuits for my effort and he begrudgingly did though he was clearly unhappy with this.. and then she took the entire unopened box to uni with her the next day for her mates - I didn't get one of my own bsicuits I can't believe how i keep getting done over. Same when his car goes wrong too.. who does he ring? Not anymore he doesn't.

I'm afraid you do get all sorts of users out there. When people ask you for favours it's best to ask them for one in return at the same time. Those that are legit will help you out. The users will soon change their mind.

TrickyWicky

Pollycat wrote: »

Friends (and family, I guess) can only take advantage of you and use you if you allow them to.

Does that also apply if they back you into a corner and trap you there?

Counting_Pennies_2

Friendship can occasionally be lopsided through tough times, but evens out over the years.


This person who is having a hard time. Are they still going through a hard time? Have they been a good friend to you in the past? Can you see when this hard time is over that things will right themselves and you will be back as you were?


As an example, I had a good group of friends who I had been close to for several years had round to my house, entertained husbands, families and met up just the girls, looked after one another's children. I then got PND really badly after my DD was born. I wasn't able to take my share of hosting gatherings at mine and making the effort to make the first invite for meeting up. It took 6 months, and they just gave up on me. I wasn't the outgoing, giving, caring person with my time and energies.


I don't speak to any of them any more, they were cruel to me when I needed help and have been since.


So I would just say, if this person hasn't always been taking and not giving perhaps look at their current situation, and be there as someone to lean on. If they have always been needy and not giving anything of themselves, then they are taking the mick and it might be time to move on.


Only you will know.

TrickyWicky

mum2one wrote: »

Friend 1...

Friend 2...

Person 1 - when I took my ex-employer to...

person 2 ...

Reading your post reminded me of a few old 'friends' i used to have.

In one place where i worked 14 years ago i used to go and see my mate every other evening for a chit chat at his desk. He'd often ring me at my desk "you coming up for a chat?" and off i'd go. He'd never visit me though! This went on for years and we got on very well. I eventually left the job and we stayed in contact. We arranged to meet up one day in a pub the following week. As luck would have it i was taken ill and emailed him to let him know and said about rearranging. Shockingly i got a short snotty message back about how i was a user, only ever wanted contact with him when it suited me and how he didn't want contact with me again :mad: Hang on.. weren't you the guy who used to ring me at my desk and ask me to come up to your desk for a chinwag?

Another mate 11-12 years ago lived with me and was out of work. Never paid much rent, always pinched my food, drink even my shaving foam:eek: Despite that he was my mate and i looked out for him. Then one of his siblings died and he went through hell. I was there for him the entire time, kept a roof over his head etc. He wrote me a really touching letter one day telling me what a wonderful friend i was etc and i still have it now. Anyway time moved on, met a partner etc, he ended up moving out, we moved elsewhere.. one day on the phone he had a massive row with my partner about another mutual friend. I took over the phone to try and calm them both down and he blamed me for the entire thing! A week later he sent me a text saying i'd had time to stamp my feet and to ring him to which i ignored - he was in the wrong not me. Anyway ran into him a few weeks ago at the hospital (like 8 years later), traded phone numbers.. tried to make contact with him (wanted to meet in a cafe for a catchup etc) and he sent me a text saying i was a crap friend and to never contact him again I kept a roof over his head when he had nothing going for him and thats the treatment i get? charming.

Oh and then there was my other mate.. son of a colleague i used to work with. Always borrowing money from me with the promise of how he'd pay it back next month etc.. then the next month he'd be a bit short so would pay me back the following month but could he borrow a bit more to tide him over etc.. I think you can imagine how that one worked out. Last i heard there were people inside wanting to get their hands on him.

Pollycat

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Does that also apply if they back you into a corner and trap you there?

Only if you allow them to back you into a corner and allow them to keep you trapped there.

TrickyWicky wrote: »

I can't believe how i keep getting done over.

It won't stop unless you stop it.

paddyrg

One of the smartest things I heard was 'You can count your friends on one hand' - at any time in your life, real friends will be few. Plenty of people you're friendly with, but never going to be who you turn to, or want turning to you in times of trouble. This person sounds like the second group.