How many chance's do you give

Daisy-May*

to friends who you feel are really taking the mick and using you?

I've got a friend who I have helped out a lot especially in the last 3/4 months, always going to them (they do not live just a 10 min drive away), the last 3/4 times they would make sure the would come to me and guess what they haven't.

I text them a few times, do not get a reply and then when is suits them I get asked to help them out yet again.

To be honest I would have helped but there wasn't even a text to ask how I was, it was all about them and what they could get out of me.

Am I being too harsh? do I give them one last chance? I am all for helping people but start to feel like this when I feel people are really taking advantage.

What do others think?

Mojisola

Be unable to help the next time you're asked and see what the response is.

meritaten

if you suspect people are taking the mick - then they usually are. next time - just say 'OH sorry, I cant help - I am busy right now'. and KEEP saying it! and don't rush over to help them.

Daisy-May*

Thanks for your replies, I just wanted to see what other people thought in case I was being unfair.

To be honest I am VERY tempted to be busy the day they need help and see how things go but then my usual nice and helpful side says maybe just one more chance is needed.....

I really wish I wasn't so nice sometimes as it normally ends with me being used and feeling rubbish

Mojisola

Daisy-May* wrote: »

To be honest I am VERY tempted to be busy the day they need help and see how things go but then my usual nice and helpful side says maybe just one more chance is needed.....

I really wish I wasn't so nice sometimes as it normally ends with me being used and feeling rubbish

The choice is yours - don't be available next time or carry on feeling used. Why can't you be as nice to yourself as you are to this other person?

mum2one

In all honeslty to me your not being harsh, you say youve been there 3/4months a lot for them, not making excuses for them, but maybe what there going through they may not think of oh I'll text to see how they are...

I would say give them one more chance, and see what happens, I also think that you need to weigh up both options, if this person wasn't a friend would you really miss them.

I know friendship changes over the years, whether it marriage, kids, work - and sometimes you do need to chop dead wood.

i think of friends as different levels.

Closest friend - throu thick and thin you know there there, and vice versa, maybe times where you loose contact but you could ring they'd be there and alike with you.

Good friends - i call them the wine friends, they know a lot about you, your close to them strong trust level.

General friends - Coffee friends, where its ad-hoc meetings, there friends but you dont know everything about them and vice versa.

---
I'm early 40s, and to be honest my friendship status has changed over the years, I have a DD whos 12.

Friend 1 - We had been great friends although he lived 250 miles, we stayed in touch, even been on holiday together (he bats the other direction), and we were as a close as a married couple when we were together. When I had DD (single parent), he even offered to put his name on the birth certificate, so that it wasn't left blank.

After I had DD, I had less time for him, we went on holiday about 50 miles from where he lived, - my parents looked after DD for the day so I could catch up and have a day out. Drove to him, we went out for the day, it was a trip to 3 supermarkets, (he has a visual condition - cant drive, he was a carer for his eldery mother), I noticed that if I didnt text him or ring, he would never make the effort. Then when I sued my ex-employer, I took an out of court settlement (dd was 2 1/2 yrs old then).
We'd gone out for a couple of hours and I'd been on 3 holidays in short period, I brought some gifts for him. While he was looking through them, everytime he opened a bag, his face dropped.
We'd chatted about what done with the money, gave parents 1k, put £500 up for DD, treated my parents to gift, and took a couple friends out for meal - he asked where his was, (i thought he meant food), no he expected to be gifted a sum of money........
I couldnt believe it.... 4 yrs ago I bumped into him, I was shocked as he looked ill, was not nearly blind, - gave him my number, the next day he rang, said come round, - drove there, he had only got all his shoppin bags ready to be driven around. It turned out to be he had lost all his friends over the time from when i left to then.
I turned around and walked away, never saw him again.

Friend 2.
I met this girl at the school playround, when we were both dropping the kids off, - it turned out to be we had a couple friends in common, she was a single parent, he child was couple yrs older than DD.
We went out a few times with the kids, we weren't rich but tried to make best of things, her son was a pain in the rear.
It was always me going to hers, (was easier), and whilst I use to pop round I was always sorting things out. From cancelling her broadband, stopping balliffs, and generally was always something she needed doing.
When we went out, eg went horse racing and would take a picnic, she never once offered to pay an entrance fee, get something for the picnic, contribute towards petrol her excuse was you were going anyhow with picnic, so you would have to brought the stuff - no real extra for me.
By this time I got wise to it, so for the kids I would prepack individual picnic's, split the drinks, so when there gone its water or you have to buy drinks, and sweets I stopped buying.
The straw that broke the camels back - we'd gone out for day (40 miles away), i'm on crutches, so when were ready to come home, both her son and DD both wanted to hold the crutches when wasnt using them, and I'd asked the son if he could put them in the boot.
Dropped them off at theres drove home - went to get the crutches, there was only 1... rang the place to see if there was a crutch been handed in - yep it had someone found it sticking out of the hedge by where we had been parked. It had been pushed into the hedge...


Nice friends - you dont realise you need friends until something happens.

Person 1 - when I took my ex-employer to tribunal, I needed a copy of the staff handbook as I had lost mine, this person, I'd only known them about 8 mths, posted me hers to borrow.

person 2 - they live about 90mins, so most contact is touch base with emails, call, catch up as and when we can,
In August this yr my dad was taken seriously ill and nearly died, he spent a week in intensive care,we living hr to hr, then morning, afternoon, night, ... this lady offered to send her husband across to us, then drive us to the hospital (1 3/4hrs from where we lived), so that I could have a rest from driving. her daughter lives about an hr away from where the hospital was, she offered myself, mum and DD, that we could stay there as long as we needed, to be nearer the hosp.

Sometimes its when the cards are on the table you know who your true friends, are, with our crisis, i have some amazing friends, just sorry it took an incident to realise how lucky I was x

marisco_2

Daisy-May* wrote: »

do I give them one last chance?

That on it's own will change nothing. If you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you always got.

Respect yourself and honestly communicate to this friend how his/her approach makes you feel. If the connection you two share means anything to them, then they will listen and take on board what you say. Over time you will notice that they adapt and become more considerate, and there will be proper give and take between you.

System

Friendship isn't a one sided relationship. You should get out what you put in or at least feel appreciated enough as not to feel used.

Jagraf

Does this friend know how you feel?

I'm not saying sit down and tell her, as sometimes that makes it worse, but she's probably not aware at all.

I had a friend once who had a real go at me, saying we always went to her house instead of coming to mine. Fact is, she had 4 kids and I had 1, and I thought I was making it easier for her as its difficult to get everything ready with 4 kids.

To be honest, she had bottled this up rather than just saying, so,I thought, what's the point if we can't just be open on a day today basis.

Things weren't really the same after that. We stay in touch but we're not close.

cavework

People can only take advantage of you if you allow it.
TBH this person is probably completely unaware of how you are feeling as you have never refused to help.
Next time just explain that you are really busy at the moment (things going on in your own life) but your door is always open if she would like to visit you.
Don't give any further info , don't make excuses as to why you can't help this time and don't feel guilty.
xx

onlyroz

Before we had kids we had a friend who we would often meet up with on a Saturday afternoon for a few drinks. Sometimes we would go out for dinner afterwards - except that the friend quite often "forgot" his wallet and would announce this just as the bill was being presented. This happened once too often and so we stopped inviting him to eat with us. Sometimes we'd double back on ourselves to shake him off, pretending there was something we'd forgotten. So it's his loss really - if he hadn't taken the pee we would have continued to let him join us.