Help/advice for BIL/Niece

k3lvc

I returned home form a work trip on Saturday to find BIL and Niece in our spare room - seems his wife has decided she 'doesn't love him any more' and suggested he leave

Background

BIL 30, married 3yrs, one divorce behind him due to affair from ex wife which he took badly

Wife 26yo

Niece 2yo

Both work together in NHS but he's also studying to improve future. Own house but no equity. His family all local, hers 200 miles away. He has variable shifts whereas she's 9-5. No current formal childcare as all carried out by family

He's suddenly turned into a timid creature with his only worry about keeping access to their daughter - wife has threatened she'll go to court to get custody even though she's no support network to manage this.

Assuming this is irreconcilable (she's already refused Relate) what advice can I give him that doesn't cause issues in future ?


My initial suggestions are

Move back in to house
Draw up rota for coming weeks - ensure childcare sorted for 'his' days but leave her to sort out 'her' days (we won't be going out of our way to help on those days)
Remove cash card facility from joint 'bills' account
Cancel partner card on his credit card

Any other suggestions to mitigate risks of either financial or child custody issues would be much appreciated

shoe*diva79

k3lvc wrote: »

Draw up rota for coming weeks - ensure childcare sorted for 'his' days but leave her to sort out 'her' days (we won't be going out of our way to help on those days)

I just wanted to comment on this part. Refusing to help as the family have always done could be detrimental to your niece. Are the family really that childish?

k3lvc

Interesting comment - 'wife' wants the split but apparently wants no impact on her life so she can continue to shop, go to gym, see friends without the burden of Niece who will be farmed out when not convenient to her.

How do you suggest it's handled ?

shoe*diva79

k3lvc wrote: »

Interesting comment - 'wife' wants the split but apparently wants no impact on her life so she can continue to shop, go to gym, see friends without the burden of Niece who will be farmed out when not convenient to her.

How do you suggest it's handled ?

Childcare for when she is working will need to continue. The impact of your SIL not being able to work because childcare has been withdrawn will be a headache for all involved, especially if your brother is still living at the property with her as she will be unlikely to claim tax credits etc which will help with childcare.

You opening post mentions nothing about shopping, the gym, farming the child out when it suits your SIL.

shoe*diva79

To make it more formal, if your brother moves out then he should look to give his ex 12% gross of his wages (the new CMS Figure). His ex will be able to claim tax credits etc depending on her income. She should pay all the household bills inc the mortgage from this.

If she cannot afford it all then they need to have a conversation about selling the house. Bear in mind that your brother is still jointly (I assume) liable for the mortgage so if she does not pay it then he will be affected.

She may decide to move closer to her family which your brother should prepare for.

k3lvc

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

To make it more formal, if your brother moves out then he should look to give his ex 12% gross of his wages (the new CMS Figure). His ex will be able to claim tax credits etc depending on her income. She should pay all the household bills inc the mortgage from this.

If she cannot afford it all then they need to have a conversation about selling the house. Bear in mind that your brother is still jointly (I assume) liable for the mortgage so if she does not pay it then he will be affected.

She may decide to move closer to her family which your brother should prepare for.

Thanks but why is there an automatic assumption that she should stay in the house and have custody ??

Mojisola

k3lvc wrote: »

Thanks but why is there an automatic assumption that she should stay in the house and have custody ??

There shouldn't be.

As your BIL has brought his daughter with him (usually the children stay at home with the mother) and the bulk of the childcare is done by his family, he should be aiming to become the Parent With Care.

There are several Fathers' Rights forum where he can get advice and learn from others' experiences.

19lottie82

k3lvc wrote: »

Interesting comment - 'wife' wants the split but apparently wants no impact on her life so she can continue to shop, go to gym, see friends without the burden of Niece who will be farmed out when not convenient to her.

How do you suggest it's handled ?

In fairness, you don't know all the ins and outs here. There are usually two versions of a chain of events (his / hers) and the truth is somewhere in the middle.....

There may be a lot more behind the split than "his wife has decided she 'doesn't love him any more' and suggested he leave"

shoe*diva79

k3lvc wrote: »

Thanks but why is there an automatic assumption that she should stay in the house and have custody ??

Its the usual scenario. The parent who has the day to day care of the child usually stays in the family home with the child/children. If your brother is going to be the PWC then he can ask his ex to leave the property. She does not have to though.

k3lvc

19lottie82 wrote: »

In fairness, you don't know all the ins and outs here. There are usually two versions of a chain of events (his / hers) and the truth is somewhere in the middle.....

There may be a lot more behind the split than "his wife has decided she 'doesn't love him any more' and suggested he leave"

I'm sure there may be more to it but so far we have BIL and her mother/father all giving same story together with the texts sent

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Its the usual scenario. The parent who has the day to day care of the child usually stays in the family home with the child/children. If your brother is going to be the PWC then he can ask his ex to leave the property. She does not have to though.

And who is PWC if things are split 50/50 ? Whilst she may not have to leave the property presumably she can't stop him being there ?

shoe*diva79

k3lvc wrote: »

And who is PWC if things are split 50/50 ? Whilst she may not have to leave the property presumably she can't stop him being there ?

Only one parent can claim the Child Benefit/tax credits and whoever that parent is will be deemed to be the parent with care, even if things are 50/50. Child maintenance would still be due if they used the CMS (new CSA) although if they are sensible they can sort that out themselves without the added cost of using CMS.

Both of them can stay at the property if they both jointly own it.