help me help a friend please

Cyberman60

This is so sad and obviously child abuse and bullying, and I know the affects this can have on a child, having been there and suffered this myself.

I'd be worried that sexual abuse may be going on as well as the mental abuse. The most important thing in my mind is to communicate with the children in order to find out if anything inappropriate is going on here, but in any case I'd seriously consider keeping both children away from the father unless he agrees and can show that he is going to treat them equally well.

rach_k

Is there any way Kim can get a professional involved, some kind of counsellor or similar? The girls' school (family support worker perhaps) may be able to help find somebody. I understand Kim's desire for them to have contact with their father but I think it's important for her to find out exactly how both girls are being affected by their father's behaviour and to go back every now and then to check on it. If they're okay, she'll be reassured (and can just start putting her foot down e.g. "You take both girls and treat them equally or you see neither of them"). If they're not okay, she will know with more certainty that she needs to do something and if it comes to court, she will have a professional on her side. I would also alert school to the situation so they can say if they see or hear anything relevant.

Frogletina

Mojisola wrote: »

There are times when lying perfectly acceptable and, for me, this would be one of them.

Many years ago, after my mother had split from my very nasty stepfather, we had just dropped her off home and my stepfather drove up.

He asked had we been with my mother, when we said no he put his head through the open car window and said to my daughter

'have you just seen your grandmother?'

She said no, she wasn't in.

Children pick up very easily on atmosphere. I don't find it very easy to lie but on an occasion like this I felt it was the right thing to do, and she recognised this.

Errata

bylromarha wrote: »

So how to convince someone that the relatively minor behaviour she sees (in SS eyes) is enough to rethink how girls visit dad?

One way forward would be for her to fully, honestly and openly discuss what's happening over the telephone with the NSPCC.

fivetide

Certainly sounds like a potentially toxic relationship. You do see instances of this where a parent will favour one sibling over another almost to the point of abuse. Eventually they will work on getting the sibling to join in with their mistreatment.


I agree with others, a good chat with a children's charity would be a start, just to have a professional or at least a well informed, opinion on it but for my mind, neither child sees the father until your friend can be sure that both are safe and getting equal attention.


I say that as a single dad too so it isn't some sort of man hating feeling here.

elsien

So what happens when she challenges his control and packs the "wrong" things? Or suggests that if he's that bothered he buys clothes for them to keep there instead?
Or tells him she needs a time to drop off in advance to make sure she's in?
These are the things she needs to be recording for future reference.

Mojisola

bylromarha wrote: »

He never physically hurt her again, but emotionally abused her instead.

He is king of charm to all around him - even to the extent Kim's family cannot understand the divorce.

elsien wrote: »

So what happens when she challenges his control and packs the "wrong" things? Or suggests that if he's that bothered he buys clothes for them to keep there instead?
Or tells him she needs a time to drop off in advance to make sure she's in?
These are the things she needs to be recording for future reference.

It's quite typical for emotional or psychological abuse to be continued after a split using the children as proxies.

I would suggests she records all communication between the two of them - even if it's only to show her family how he behaves when it's just the two of them. Her phone might be able to record them; otherwise a cheap digital recorder will do the job.