Coping with a Partners Depression

FBaby

How long have you been together? Has always had a tendency towards depression or did it come out of the blue? Have you always argued (even if not regularly) but he used to be ok with it and suddenly he finds it unbearable, or have you started to argue more and more often. You say he gets angry, what about?

If I were in your shoes, I would want to know whether he is depressed because of the wires on his brain not firing properly that leaves him unable to cope and uninterested in anything, or is that he is deeply unhappy with his life as it is now, wants to get out, but staying because he is afraid to go/can't be bothered.

It must be quite scary to hear that he doesn't want to be with you when he gets angry, even if ultimately he apologies. If it were me, I would need to reassured that he is being honest when he is calm rather than his true feelings coming out when he gets angry.

j.e.j.

rpc wrote: »

Even when the drugs work perfectly, it isn't "normal." Everything is damped - the lows are gone but so are many of the highs.

There is web-based CBT that he could do, but he needs to accept that he needs the help. The way depression screws up your brain, you might not recognise that anything is wrong.

CBT can work wonders, but the person has to be prepared to put the work in, because it involves actively trying to change the way you think about things, rather than just taking a pill (many of which, as you rightly say, cause unwanted side-effects).

Amber07

Thank you for the replies and insights/personal experiences

Bagpussbear- yes around 6 months now, but no real improvement other than no more suicide threats. (April wasn't the first time he said he wanted to die, he said it last year as well, it was just the worst he got before he got help) I want him to get counselling but the waiting list is long.


We have been together for over 15 years now. We have had our ups and downs like most relationships but the past year to 18 months have been when he has wanted to leave. I put it down to a mid life crisis at first, he went through a phase of getting in touch with people he was at school with etc. But then he just got really moody and over time we ended up here.

Amber07

FBaby wrote: »

How long have you been together? Has always had a tendency towards depression or did it come out of the blue? Have you always argued (even if not regularly) but he used to be ok with it and suddenly he finds it unbearable, or have you started to argue more and more often. You say he gets angry, what about?

If I were in your shoes, I would want to know whether he is depressed because of the wires on his brain not firing properly that leaves him unable to cope and uninterested in anything, or is that he is deeply unhappy with his life as it is now, wants to get out, but staying because he is afraid to go/can't be bothered.

It must be quite scary to hear that he doesn't want to be with you when he gets angry, even if ultimately he apologies. If it were me, I would need to reassured that he is being honest when he is calm rather than his true feelings coming out when he gets angry.

More than 15 years now- he has had mild depression in the past when we went through a tough time- job losses during the recession, employment tribunal etc, some rotten stuff but we always got through everything.

An argument can be a simple thing- like if I have spoken to him 3 times and been ignored, he will flip out and say I need to get his attention better in the first place. If I say we really can't do something because we can't afford it, he goes in a mood.

Your last 2 paragraphs is exactly what worries me- he is lovely when he is on an upswing, and says he loves me and wants to be here but I'm afraid that it's only an act and he is just bored of family life because it restricts him. Again, why I thought about the mid life thing affecting his moods.

What makes me hope it's maybe not just how he feels about me and that we can work it out is the fact he complains that he can't be bothered at work any more either- he doesn't join in the chat/banter, just keeps his head down and gets on with it without speaking much.

rpc

j.e.j. wrote: »

CBT can work wonders, but the person has to be prepared to put the work in, because it involves actively trying to change the way you think about things, rather than just taking a pill (many of which, as you rightly say, cause unwanted side-effects).

Even CBT isn't always effective. As I understand it, CBT is about recognising and dealing with feelings/emotions not removing the root cause. Similarly, drugs can bring your body back into balance but they don't remove the root cause.

My limited understanding is that the trigger for the depression needs dealt with if it is to be managed long term. That might be transient (PND, job loss, whatever) or it might be more deeply set (childhood issues). Drugs give space to manage that, and sometimes time away from the "dark places" are all that is needed.

At the end of it, drugs will get you through the day/week but something else might be needed to get you through the years/decades.

Amber07 wrote: »

I'm afraid that it's only an act and he is just bored of family life because it restricts him. Again, why I thought about the mid life thing affecting his moods.

Oh yes, the big question. Which is the "real" partner. The good one or the bad one? Long term are you stuck with Dr Jekyll or Dr Hyde?

Nobody can answer that, but if you understand unipolar depression you hopefully start to recognise the real person from their illness. But it is so so hard when you are getting shouted out or knives are being waved around.

In my wife's case, she can remember the bad thoughts and what she did but it almost isn't real. On a logical level, she knows, but she sometimes struggles to believe she felt that way or understand how she got there.

To me, it's the same face on the same body in the same clothes. She seems far better able to dissociate herself today from the person she was when she was stuck. Even at the time, she'd throw a complete wobbly and then be all snuggles an hour afterwards while I was still reeling and trying to recover from what was said and done. Same person, but one minute she was picking up knives and the next she was having a cuddle and asking what's for tea. It took her longer to get over an episode deep down, but the surface change could be quite quick.

Ultimately, if anything gets you (as an individual) through this it will be the belief that your husband is the good person that you see and the bad person is the depression, not the husband. That's what kept me going.

he can't be bothered at work any more either- he doesn't join in the chat/banter, just keeps his head down and gets on with it without speaking much.

That can be a symptom, but it also can make it harder to recover. CBT can help with that sort of thing. If he wants to.

bagpussbear

Amber07 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies and insights/personal experiences

Bagpussbear- yes around 6 months now, but no real improvement other than no more suicide threats. (April wasn't the first time he said he wanted to die, he said it last year as well, it was just the worst he got before he got help) I want him to get counselling but the waiting list is long.

We have been together for over 15 years now. We have had our ups and downs like most relationships but the past year to 18 months have been when he has wanted to leave. I put it down to a mid life crisis at first, he went through a phase of getting in touch with people he was at school with etc. But then he just got really moody and over time we ended up here.

If you have the funds, I would recommend paying for counselling yourselves. I did exactly that, and had about 9 months of sessions, and it was tricky financially, but it was definitely worth every penny.

It's difficult to know whether, in the absence of any depression, your relationship has come to an end, well at least in his eyes anyway?

I think you need to make him understand that the constant up and down of feeling secure in the marriage one minute and then being told that you are about to be 'dumped' the next minute, just isn't something that you can cope with any more.

In order to help you cope, please concentrate on doing things away from your hubby that make you happy, whether that's going out with friends or concentrating on a hobby, the kiddies - anything that can help you find a little peace of mind when you need to step away emotionally from him.

I hope it works out for you both. Depression sucks, not only for the sufferer but for the loved ones around them

Beckyy

Has had had any help from GP other than medication? Any councelling etc.?

j.e.j.

rpc wrote: »

Even CBT isn't always effective. As I understand it, CBT is about recognising and dealing with feelings/emotions not removing the root cause. Similarly, drugs can bring your body back into balance but they don't remove the root cause.

My limited understanding is that the trigger for the depression needs dealt with if it is to be managed long term.

The 'carpet analogy' is probably appropriate here:

If you trip on some loose carpet and go falling down the stairs it is helpful to go back and find out where the fault is so that you can fix it (ie stick the carpet down properly) so that it doesn't happen again. What won't help, though, is going back and then cursing the b---y carpet fitter who you just knew was a cowboy and you don't know why you ever hired him, etc etc..

I think that's where the danger lies in encouraging depressed people to go back over past events. It's good if it's going to be constructive but there's always going to be the tendency to wallow and get bogged down with regrets.

rpc

j.e.j. wrote: »

I think that's where the danger lies in encouraging depressed people to go back over past events. It's good if it's going to be constructive but there's always going to be the tendency to wallow and get bogged down with regrets.

I think it very much depends on what that cause is. If it can be dealt with, then you can use the drugs to give you room to deal with it. Very resource intensive and difficult. It isn't so much going back and cursing the carpet fitter, as going back and understanding why the carpet wasn't laid properly and knowing that you didn't deserve a dodgy carpet and it wasn't your fault.

If it is transient (e.g. major life event like PND or job loss) then time heals and the drugs give you time. Although there may be dodgy carpets in future, it was really a one off and you don't normally encounter such poor workmanship.

If you can't deal with the cause, drugs see you through the bad times and CBT can teach you how to manage situations where you encounter dodgy carpets.

But this is going a bit OT (or to carpet right...)