Coping with a Partners Depression

Amber07

I don' t know if I'm looking for advice or just to offload, I can't talk to family or friends because they think the world of my husband and I don't want to make anyone he knows think badly of him.

He first showed signs of depression a year ago but kept putting off going to a doctor. It all came to a head in April this year when we had an argument and he stormed off shouting and bawling then texted to say we were over and he wanted to kill himself. I finally got him to a doctor after that.

Since he went on medication, it hasn't got too much better. He is constantly extremely tired, grumpy and just can't be bothered with anything. I do about 90% of the parenting, he only really does anything with the children if I'm at work (two nights a week), and its just the basics, making sure they are clean, putting them to bed. No stories, playing, homework or anything.

He is pretty much the same with me- goes through the motions, but when I chat to him he just 'isn't there'. I can speak to him 2 or 3 times before he hears me...You can imagine that can get very frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, I don't claim to be perfect, far from it, I have a go at him at times and probably chat too much instead of giving him more quiet time (attention seeking, not good I know )- but I can't help resenting the fact that he can't be bothered with any of us but can happily spend an hour or two every evening on Facebook chatting in various groups. Sometimes if something comes up I just start chatting away, not realising if he is typing and he says it's like butting in on someone's conversation I never saw it that way because I just tend to pause if I'm on the computer and something happens.

He has told me 5 times this year that we are over and he is leaving me...but then when he calms down enough to talk he says he doesn't mean it and can't help cutting off his nose to spite his face when he is angry.

His medication dose was doubled a couple of weeks ago, but I think it might be too late for us, I want to help him but it's like walking on eggshells. The smallest argument is like the end of the world to him.....even if it's been two months since we last had a tiff he will say that he just can't go on like this any more. I could understand this if we were having a barney every week but it's really not that frequent (mainly because I'm trying to be as careful as I can)

I want to help him, I really do and if I think it can get better I would love us to stay together, I have stood by him through so much over the years but I don't know how to handle depression- do I just shut up and leave him to do what he wants and hope the meds work eventually? I know I need to change too, be less needy of attention but it's so difficult.

Sorry for going on, I just hate feeling so helpless....and uncared for I guess

j.e.j.

Hmm tricky. To what extent can he control his behaviour and how much of it is truly the illness. Paul Gilbert's excellent book Overcoming Depression might be worth a read, - it's primarily for sufferers but is also very useful and insightful for carers and family of those with this illness.

My concern in your case is that your resources are not never-ending and he may eventually bring you down, too. You have a right to a life and you have your own needs too.

ETA: ADs don't agree with everyone, - it might be the meds which are making him zonked and apathetic. Has he tried other methods, like CBT-based therapies?

ljonski

Have you thoght about contacting RELATE?

Better_Days

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

Has he been on the same AD's since April?

If so, I think it is well over time for a change. There are lots of different AD's and they work differently for different people. The side effects of AD's can be pretty crappy if you are unlucky, so again a trip back to the doctor is appropriate if your husband is not tolerating them.

The right AD can help a person cope, and it is worth persevering to find one that suits, even if it means trying a new one every couple of months. Could your husband ask to be referred to the MHT as they will have more experience in finding an AD that suits and should be able to offer other support too (although MH services are incredibly stretched atm)?

Is he actually taking his meds?

How is your husband sleeping? Has he had routine bloods to check for any other underlying issues?

Amber07

ljonski wrote: »

Have you thoght about contacting RELATE?

Suggested it...he doesn't want to go, doesn't think it would help

Amber07

Better_Days wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

Has he been on the same AD's since April?

If so, I think it is well over time for a change. There are lots of different AD's and they work differently for different people. The side effects of AD's can be pretty crappy if you are unlucky, so again a trip back to the doctor is appropriate if your husband is not tolerating them.

The right AD can help a person cope, and it is worth persevering to find one that suits, even if it means trying a new one every couple of months. Could your husband ask to be referred to the MHT as they will have more experience in finding an AD that suits and should be able to offer other support too (although MH services are incredibly stretched atm)?

Is he actually taking his meds?

How is your husband sleeping? Has he had routine bloods to check for any other underlying issues?

Same ones, just the dose has doubled. As far as I know he takes them but does sometimes forget.

I asked him to see about anger management, the doc gave him a website to look up, as the waiting list is so long- he did try it once, but he isn't one for self help reading.

He sleeps like the dead because he is always tired. He was tested for anaemia and arthritis but bloods came back clear.

Better_Days

Amber07 wrote: »

Same ones, just the dose has doubled. As far as I know he takes them but does sometimes forget.

I asked him to see about anger management, the doc gave him a website to look up, as the waiting list is so long- he did try it once, but he isn't one for self help reading.

He sleeps like the dead because he is always tired. He was tested for anaemia and arthritis but bloods came back clear.

I really think he needs to go back to his GP and change his AD's asap.

Neither of you can go on like this.

As you probably know there are lots of different AD's and the current ones should have been taking an effect months ago if they were going to.

Speaking to friends over the last year or so, it seems that GP's are now very very focussed on the cost of meds. You GP may have started your husband initially on a cheaper AD, but after 5 months it is time for a change, even if the new meds are more expensive.

A few years ago I was wrongly diagnosed with depression and in the end tried about 6 different AD's. Usually was given a couple of months to see if they worked apart from when the side effects were unpleasant, when I came off them more quickly. Was reviewed on at least a monthly basis.

Given that your husband has been suicidal, I think that his GP needs to be more proactive. How is your husband coping at work? Hang in there, if your husband can get on the right meds it will hopefully enable him to cope better so he can address the issues that are troubling him.

rpc

I know that "walking on eggshells" feeling well.

For what its worth, the first drug my wife was put on did nothing at all for her. She reckons it made her worse. It took a high dose (3x basic) of a different drug to bring her back into balance and that disrupted her sleep so much the GP dropped back to a lower dose and prescribed a second drug. It took about 9 months from first appointment to get to a treatment regime that worked properly. Another year on from that and she's weaning off them.

Even when the drugs work perfectly, it isn't "normal." Everything is damped - the lows are gone but so are many of the highs.

There is web-based CBT that he could do, but he needs to accept that he needs the help. The way depression screws up your brain, you might not recognise that anything is wrong. It's all very negative, but (from what I can tell) that's just the way the world is. Whereas we, without being ill, can see that some things just aren't rational.

It can be very very hard to live with, because you are alone. You can't talk to your partner/spouse and you feel like you can't talk to anyone else. The counselling charity my wife went to offered sessions for other halves too, but by the time we found out we were past the worst. She benefited from the counselling more because it made her realise some feelings weren't real and it helped to have someone take her seriously and not judge. I didn't count apparently.

I considered how we might split and what would happen if we did. But I'm a stubborn old git and was convinced that there was light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn't that far away. It didn't stop me hating her at times, when she was being totally unreasonable. You tell yourself it's the illness, but sometimes you start to question that.

There isn't an easy answer and everyone is different. But millions of people across the UK manage somehow. If it going to work, it needs to be a joint effort. You need to talk, you talk. The drugs aren't working, you keep talking to the doctor until they do (there is a lot of waiting involved though, it's "take these and come back in 6 weeks"). If they don't want to be helped, you can't make it better on your own.

I've never been so alone as I was when she was suffering, but now we are coming out of the woods it was all worth it.

As far as I know he takes them but does sometimes forget.

Forgetting is bad. Really bad. If its something like fluoxetine then it might not be too noticeable because the half life is so long, but others can have an almost immediate negative impact. If my wife misses a venlafaxine, she's stroppy and uptight by the evening and it will last 2-3 days - withdrawal kicks in pretty fast.

Better_Days

Just to add this is what the NICE Guidelines say about meds for depression and how it should be managed:

Starting and initial phase of treatment
1.5.2.5 When prescribing antidepressants, explore any concerns the person with depression has about taking medication, explain fully the reasons for prescribing, and provide information about taking antidepressants, including:

• the gradual development of the full antidepressant effect
• the importance of taking medication as prescribed and the need to continue treatment after remission
• potential side effects
• the potential for interactions with other medications
• the risk and nature of discontinuation symptoms with all antidepressants, particularly with drugs with a shorter half-life (such as paroxetine and venlafaxine), and how these symptoms can be minimised
• the fact that addiction does not occur with antidepressants.
  
  Offer written information appropriate to the person's needs.

1.5.2.6 For people started on antidepressants who are not considered to be at increased risk of suicide, normally see them after 2 weeks. See them regularly thereafter, for example at intervals of 2 to 4 weeks in the first 3 months, and then at longer intervals if response is good.
1.5.2.7 A person with depression started on antidepressants who is considered to present an increased suicide risk or is younger than 30 years (because of the potential increased prevalence of suicidal thoughts in the early stages of antidepressant treatment for this group) should normally be seen after 1 week and frequently thereafter as appropriate until the risk is no longer considered clinically important.
1.5.2.8 If a person with depression develops side effects early in antidepressant treatment, provide appropriate information and consider one of the following strategies:

• monitor symptoms closely where side effects are mild and acceptable to the person or
• stop the antidepressant or change to a different antidepressant if the person prefers or
• in discussion with the person, consider short-term concomitant treatment with a benzodiazepine if anxiety, agitation and/or insomnia are problematic (except in people with chronic symptoms of anxiety); this should usually be for no longer than 2 weeks in order to prevent the development of dependence.

1.5.2.9 People who start on low-dose TCAs and who have a clear clinical response can be maintained on that dose with careful monitoring.
1.5.2.10 If the person's depression shows no improvement after 2 to 4 weeks with the first antidepressant, check that the drug has been taken regularly and in the prescribed dose.
1.5.2.11 If response is absent or minimal after 3 to 4 weeks of treatment with a therapeutic dose of an antidepressant, increase the level of support (for example, by weekly face-to-face or telephone contact) and consider:

• increasing the dose in line with the SPC if there are no significant side effects or
• switching to another antidepressant as described in section 1.8 if there are side effects or if the person prefers.

1.5.2.12 If the person's depression shows some improvement by 4 weeks, continue treatment for another 2 to 4 weeks. Consider switching to another antidepressant as described in section 1.8 if:

• response is still not adequate or
• there are side effects or
• the person prefers to change treatment.

http://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg90/chapter/1-guidance

With this in mind, and given the severity of your husband's distress in April, I do think he should be having more frequent and more intensive intervention.

aileth

Hi OP, alot of what you've said resonates with me as I struggled when my husband got struck down with depression. He changed ADs a few times before finding something that fit, and after being referred to counselling by his GP and lying to me twice about going to sessions when he didn't he finally seems to have taken to it. I don't think medicating and doing nothing to address the root is the best way to go about it and he really needs to talk to someone, as well as (as said above) finding the correct medication of course.

As for the constant tiredness, he had that very badly and regardless of how much sleep he would be acting like he had only had a couple of hours. Made me very worried when he was commuting to work driving at 7.30 am...

We are still struggling through it, and it is very very difficult as it's hard to see a line between the illness and perhaps other issues. A lot of people will try and make you feel bad because sometimes you lose it, or have a go at the affected person, even if it's the depression causing your frustration, but depression affects more than just the person suffering from it.

bagpussbear

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time with your husband and his depression at the moment.

I've suffered from several bouts of depression in my life, two were severe and have taken various anti depressants, so I hope my thoughts below will be of some help to you.

I'm assuming from the timeline you state above, he has probably been on medication for about 6 months now, is that right? If that's the case, and his dose has been doubled and he is still acting as he does, would indicate that it is NOT the right medication for him.

Sometimes it takes a while to get the right pill, or the right dose and I would strongly advise he speaks to his doc to try something else.

Skipping any dose, even for one day, is problematic for keeping the seratonin levels even - he has to understand that it's not good for his brain to even skip one day.

Has he had any counselling or talking therapies?

Does he eat well? It was only when I looked on the internet to find out what foods help depression naturally that I realised how important certain foods are for mental/brain health to be honest.

There are various mental health forums on the internet, where sufferers can talk to each other for help. Do you think this could be helpful to point out to him?

Before the depression started, did he ever mention about leaving you, or being unhappy in your relationship? or has this come up only as he was getting ill?