need advice. rant - sorry!

luellaaa

Hello everyone, I need a bit of advice and this seems like the place.



Please bare with me because its such a long story but I feel like I need to explain from the beginning. Basically, I bought a house with my then partner, last July. I should have known from the beginning that it was a bad idea but hindsight is a wonderful thing!
Things were fine for a month or so, but my partner became increasingly possessive and controlling the longer we lived there. He had always been a very narcissistic person, he didn't have much empathy and spent most of his time concentrating on his job. I have a very physical job and wanted a wee day away sometimes to chill a bit, but he was very controlling over money and constantly told me we couldn't afford it, despite having a great day larger an income between us than even my parents.




I began to feel suffocated and lonely, as I spent most nights by myself watching TV while he did extra work(just for fun!) for work. I would have spent time with friends but even going a drive to McDonald's with my best friend, or going out on a girly night, I was made to feel as if this was me neglecting him. So I declined invitations from friends and from my workmates with whom I'm really close. Eventually, I had enough and went on a night out with my friends. I think it was around this time he began checking my social media, texts and emails more than usual and became more possessive. I got fed up and spent a night at my friends for a bit of peace to be honest. I returned the next day, feeling much better having had some space without being constantly questioned. I was then met with him ten times worse than normal. He stole my phone and hid it, checking all my texts, emailed etc as normal. Satisfying himself somehow that I had yet again done something awful(in his mind!!!!) he then went on a crazy screaming match, throwing my phone St my head from the top of the staircase. It missed, because I ducked, and smashed on the wall above me.




I was in so much shock, instead of leaving I just stood there, until he began throwing all my belongings, including full rails of clothes, down the staircase at me. I then ran to leave and he chased me out, locking the door behind me. All I managed to get was an armful of random clothes that had landed at the foot of the stairs. I then made my way to my parents and didn't hear from him for a few days. He pleaded with me a few days later to come back and talk. I did, but he was not willing to speak and instead berated me for choosing to spend a night at my friends. He told me he didn't see us happy as long as I had the friends I did and as long as I worked where I did (I've been at the same place for four years, I love working there and am very close to most of my workmates). I said I needed time to think about the whole thing and so we agreed that I would continue to pay half the mortgage as well at the bills, council tax etc. Over the next few weeks he continued to visit, we did try to work things out but I couldn't deal with the idea of leaving my job, my friends etc so he could practically keep me in a cage.



I continued to live in the house as he was happy at his parents until we could sell it. Only problem was, he still came down nearly every day. I'd sometimes come in from work, get in the bath and he would appear. Other times, I would go into my toiletries drawers and find my condoms sitting in a straight organised line against the side of the drawer as opposed to in their toiletries bag.


I became increasingly frustrated with this but ignored it to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and get anxious easily when faced with anger so I pretended it wasn't happening. Towards Christmas, I had a Christmas works night out and was due to go shopping with my friend the next day. It was the first night id genuinely felt better and more in control of my life but the next morning I was woken at 9am with banging at my door. I ignored it because I was scared and wasn't expecting any crazy people at the door. I went back to sleep and was woken again with a phonecsll from my elderly grandmother who lived around the corner. My ex had invited himself into her house and told her he had received a phonecall at his mums work that morning to say I had a man in the house!! Out of respect for my gran as she was now upset and confused, I let him into the house so he could inspect it for possible random men. I then got ready for my shopping trip, and as he wouldn't leave, I just left him to lock up himself. When I got home that night, EVERYTHING was gone. Sofas, fridge, photo frames, cutlery, pots, pans, even a toilet roll holder. You get the idea...


To say I was gutted is an understatement. I was left with just my personal belongings, my bed frame(he took the mattress) in a big empty house. He even took some clothes of mine that he had bought as presents in the years before.


I continued to live in the house, without a fridge, so ate at my parents or friends most days. I couldn't afford to replace everything he had taken, so lived upstairs in my bedroom and left the other rooms empty. I then received a lawyers letter from our joint lawyer, to say he was now representing my ex. He now wanted the house signed over to him! I refused this at first, completely appalled that he was going to these lengths to have control over me. In the months that followed, I received letter after letter, with accusations and charts of how much he paid towards things more than me. In addition to this, he now visited the house daily, usually when I got in from work and was in a bath!! Him and his dad appeared once when I was in a towel on my way to my bedroom. Another time, he brought his brother round to take my sky box and phone and I heard a noise, came downstairs to see what it was early in the morning in my tshirt and pants and his brother saw everything. I was ashamed that he was invading my privacy like this, so asked my lawyer to instruct his to give me some notice instead of creeping around the house. Shortly after, my back door keys went missing. He confessed he didn't know where they were but thought they might be with his friend(creepy guy who I would truly expect to go through my knicker drawer). I asked for thenkeys back but he refused. I then couldn't sleep St night knowing I couldn't open the door or shut it without someone being able to get in. So I had the lock changed. he then became s hundred times worse and started coming in all hours of the day with his family members, creeping about the house and shouting at me when I was alone and vulnerable.


Anyway, by February I had long been convinced I was nearly out of the house and had decided I would sign the house over out of pure frustration and fear, but he kept putting it off. I had been renting a new flat since the January but hadn't moved in as my lawyer had told me under no circumstances to move out until we had sorted the mortgage transfer.
On my brothers 21st birthday, I came in from work as usual and went for a shower before we went for dinner. I couldn't have been in the door more than 10 minutes before I heard battering at the back door(right next to the bathroom window). Need to mention at this point I had been suffering from severe panic attacks for around a month. The battering continued and as I could her a few voices all I could do was sit in the bottom of my shower in a compete state, unable to breathe for fear they would hear me. I managed to get myself together and locked myself in the porch between my bathroom and kitchen area to phone my parents. My mum then texted my ex to say, could you give her some time to get herself upstairs and dressed for her brothers dinner. All this did was make them worse, and the banging began at the front door too, at which point I became frantic and completely unable to do anything other than cry. My mum then said she was coming round to get me. I should have just phoned the police there and then, but I still stupidly thought things could be dealt with amicably. Anyway, my mum and dad came around snd tried to talk with my ex and his mum, who proceeded to point and shout in my mums face. My dad then began to shout back in my ex's face. I was watching all of this from the upstairs window. I finally managed to get out onto the street and away to my parents.

A few hours later the police arrived at their house, to charge my dad with assault and breach of the peace!! We were completely in shock. I asked the police officers on more than one occasion how it was possible to charge someone with something there was no evidence or witnesses for. I then asked if I could charge with the same if it was that easy apparently. I was told no I couldn't. My poor dad was then left to defend himself against a crime he hasn't committed. This is still on going, they've spent hundreds on lawyers fees and the court case keeps getting put back.
Since then, my lawyer had repeatedly written to ask why the house transfer is being dragged out. He has all our possessions, including £500 worth of blinds I bought for the house for privacy, he cleared our what was left in the joint bank accounts and cancelled all the standing orders and direct debits to the mortgage company etc send set them up to his own! Apparently the bank says this is sell perfectly legal. Meanwhile, he has also cancelled the council tax payments we made together. I was paying council tax into the joint bank account and unknown to me he was paying it through his council wages... so was able to ask for s refund of the full amount. Because of this, not only has he stolen the money from the bank account, but the council are now demanding the money Again from me. They say I am liable solely, but I have already paid the council tax which he has claimed back, so I feel I am not. They have sent me s summary warrant for the payment, which I have no way of paying.

My lawyer just shrugs and says its a small price to pay for freedom, but as he is getting the house, all the things inside it and I am being left with nothing, I am angry and bitter that this is the case. The whole town we live in have been told disgusting lies about me, that I was having an affair, that I hit him!! Amongst other things. the thing is, I genuinely think his family believe his lies, as does he. He has become stalker like and I have lived in fear of him for the past year.
I moved into my new flat in June because I couldn't take any more, I think I would have ended up doing something ridiculous to escape the fear I was living in. The police referred me to the Domestic abuse investigation unit for support but theres only so much they can help me with. I just feel at my wits end :-(.




I have found a new partner, a lovely man who I trust with my life now because he has been s great support, where a lot of people would have run away! He has had nothing but abuse from my ex's family but like me he is not the confrontational type. I am expecting our first baby any day now send I finally feel safe and happy but obviously there is the underlying problem of the house and council tax to deal with, although I have tried to put this to the back of my mind for my baby health these days.

I should probably mention, when I moved out I left some belongings, including an antique bed and doll that I've had my whole life, that I couldn't lift that day as we didn't have a car available. When I went in to get them the doll was missing, I found her head in one part of the house and her body in the bin. Her face was marked as if shed been scratched purposefully. The bed is completely ruined. Everything else he had thrown out, he gave me til s certain date to move out, despite the fact it is still very much half mine! So when I didn't(lawyer said not legal for him to threaten this) he chucked sell my things out!! And changed the locks on sll doors.

Ive had no access to the house for a couple of months now send he keeps writing to say I should be no where near the house. He now has cameras in all the windows..... just dont know where to go from here. I think he has psychological problems and the worst of it is that he works with children!

victory

Wow just wow:eek: why did you never get a restraining order? Go to the police?

luellaaa

Believe me I tried! My lawyer said unfortunately I would need proof of physical violence. The police were sympathetic but all they did was refer me to domestic investigation people.

Vikipollard

Your lawyer should also have told you that you have every right to re-enter the house if you choose to. Until he buys you out.


You should get a restraining order against him, and I hope to goodness your lawyer has worked out exactly what you are owed from this filth.


I have to ask - why is your lawyer not pushing for resolution? Mine gave strict time limits or it would be taken to Court. But it was part of a bigger issue including divorce, so I don't know if that makes any difference.


Don't deal with him in person at all. Everything through your respective solicitors. But please, prioritise the restraining order.


And once you've got it, make sure his employer knows.


Oh and reference the Council Tax, it's not individual, it's joint. I'd get proper advice (not from your not-very-helpful solicitor), but from somebody like the CAB. Think about it...it he's been paying for 'his' bit through his wages, why on earth would they allow him to 'reclaim' the overpayment that came from the bank account? There are two names on the notice. Even if he'd gone down the route of claiming a discount for single occupancy, he'd have had to have said it was just him living there.


Something doesn't add up there.

fairy_lights

Gosh, thats horrendous, I feel angry on your behalf that he seems to be getting away with it. Have you kept a diary of his behaviour?
I think you should consider finding a new lawyer as your current one doesn't seem to be giving you the best advice.

luellaaa

Thank you for the advice!

He did originally want the keys handed back the day he changed the locks but the lawyer told him no way. Not that it matters because they don't open the house anymore. Half the problem is his lawyer seems so unprofessional. He told my lawyer I had no right being in the house, even although I was paying the council tax and my ex wasn't.


I wouldn't be too bothered about accessing the house, only, I have private NHS mail that they delivered there by accident that he is still refusing to hand over.


I think the lawyers idea is that it reduces costs for me. I have already paid over a £1,000 in lawyers fees already so I don't get where they are coming from to be honest.
I did try to talk to the council about the tax but they don't care as long as they are billing someone. I'm going to go speak to CAB though as I really don't think it was legal refunding that to him. The lawyer would like me to sign the house over asap and if he pays the council that money back on my behalf then that's a bonus. I don't want that hanging over me though. He is power hungry, seen it in the way he speaks to his pupils, but you would think he got enough of controlling people at work, but it seems like a big game to me.