Family feuds-is it sometimes better to cut off most ties?

johnsmi

Hello folks,

Coming from a very large family and having being in a number of family feuds in the past with certain members I sort have now cut myself off from most of them and decided that its better to suffer the isolation that brings, rather than being involved and having to fight my corner at every turn about. ( I do know that a fight takes two people and no one is blameless so probably have to take responsibility for parts that I have played too and maybe being a bit over sensitive to what they say and do)

They do seem to only contact me when they want something for example using my address. I do love to help people out in any way but don't want to feel used either.

At the same time I feel in my family there are a number who are two faced would smile and talk to me, but then only use that as a source of gossip to others in their little cliche in the family.

Example not liking my partner when I first met her many years ago, trying to bad mouth her and break us up, one ringing me up and enquiring about our autistic child and giving lots of advice, but at the same time not letting on that her partner and her had split up, came across eventually (when we did find out from another family member) that we are the ones with all the problems , but that everything is honkey-dorey with her. I probably even think that our autistic child is probably a source of gossip among a few of them.

I know I probably come across as all paranoid to some people but I do realise lots of families and individuals in same boat, God we only have to to watch Jeremey Kyle to see that!

So why am I posting here, to be honest probably feels a little better for having done so, though I do expect if I get any replies that some will say "you have only one family" so try to get on with them.

As I am now middle aged I realise that family dynamics can change over the years, what may be a happy enough family nowadays can be unhappy in a few years time, with different members not liking each other.

John

Gra76

"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family"

If they're causing you that much grief just slink off into the background and ignore them as best you can.

My family isn't huge but my brother is a very bitter man and does his best to cause problems when we're in any situation where we're together in a family environment. I choose not to interact with him unless it's absolutely necessary anymore. Sounds like you need to do the same with some of your family members!

ljonski

There is no one answer for this.

I have isolated myself geographically and communicatetively from my brother and sister.
I don't have anything in common with them except my surname and don't follow their careers nor keep in touch with their children.
I don't miss them nor do i give them much thought, apart from when i speak to my Mother on the phone.

I understand your reluctance of being used and i really think that your wife and child now should take priority over every aspect or dispute with the other members of your family.

This should not rule out the possiblity of one day holding out an olive branch to them but when and how may be decisions that only God knows!

pickledonionspaceraider

Nothing as queer as family dynamics

balletshoes

Maybe over the years OP you have become a bit oversensitive to what you perceive your relatives are up to/that they use you etc. However, that may be completely justified, no-one but you knows that.

You don't need to tell them anything you don't want to (just like your relative just maybe didn't want to tell you at that time she'd split with her OH). You don't need to keep up just because you are family, if you don't want to, then don't - especially if you feel healthier and easier in your mind by not being in touch with them.

Kaimoo

Some families are close some aren't, we have drifted away from ours and we barely ever talk. When we do we are civil.
We are hundreds of miles from most family but do visit, if there were any fueds rather than cause us any stress we would distance ourselves from them but still remain civil

DKLS

Took me quite a few years to get shot of the toxic family members that I had but I am so much happier from it and wished I had done it many years earlier. I can heartily recommend it.

I only see them at family funerals now and based on the last one I attended they are still playing their games and trying to make others as miserable as they are so am not missing out.

WeAreGhosts

i agree with DKLS. i have done this and it is much better for my mental health. my small section of close family is largely estranged from the rest. they have always treated us differently and i don't know why. i am past caring about the 'why' though. cut them off, but be civil at christmas/funerals/weddings etc ...

Edwardia

If you want to keep them at arm's length then do so and don't feel guilty about it. They don't sound like anyone I'd want to associate with either, frankly.

You and your partner love each other and your child, so just be happy being your own little family. You can have close friends who are honorary uncles, aunts and grandparents. As long as your child isn't socially isolated then the fact that they don't see actual grandparents and cousins really doesn't matter.

Cyberman60

I've distanced myself from family after years of mental bullying. I don't regret it at all as meeting up with family was making me ill. Put yourself first, as I made the mistake for years of tolerating/ignoring behaviour to keep the peace, that I know now that I should never have done.

mum2one

if you feel that strongly then cancel all ties, I tried for the sake of DD to get on with her other grandparents, and her uncle, as she doesn't or has never seen her father, yt each time all we do is get stabbed in the back, it got to the stage that I felt like giving them a knife ready.......

Best move we ever made, xx