Relationship advice

jetplane

FBaby wrote: »

And yet there are many women, even child free who only work part-time, enjoying their free time whilst their husband work full-time and support these activities.

It is interesting that although this seems to be accepted by our society as 'normal', the other way around is seen as a selfish position.

And men who do the same, however when one of a couple doesn't agree or is unhappy then it is a problem. If it were a man on here stating that his wife would not work more hours and was spending more money than him and he was fed up would it be ok to say that many other men subsidise their wives? I think the selfish position has less to do with gender and more to do with respect.

Couples can divvy up their employment, household chores, finances et al any way they wish but surely agreement is required? Naturally I would support my husband if he was struggling to find work, meanwhile he wouldn't be spending money he didn't have on luxuries, not if it took him 2 years to secure a part time job. :undecided

Errata

Sounds like you've been suckered by a man-child. They make dreadful partners and horrendous parents.

FBaby

I agree totally jetplane my response was solely to B&T comment that he was lazy and selfish. We didn't know that fire sure from what was posted maybe he does try very hard to get a job and maybe just like to treat himself occasionally but it was automatically assumed because he is make ans should be working full - time.

Jitterbug123

The thing is that personally I wouldn't be happy with this, and if you were then it wouldn't matter. But what you said is that you want him to change... What if this is just him? I think after 3 years maybe you have to accept that it is. And do you want him if he doesn't change?

BigAunty

You should read some of the horror threads on this forum from women lumbered with what I will term a 'man-child'. I hope you find some of them to see how bad it could be for yourself 5, 10, 15 years down the line, perhaps with a mortgage commitment or children.

The common theme is a non-employed or under employed male partner who prioritises their interests and social life, who won't contribute fairly to the household purse, chores or child-rearing activities and who do not see any issue with this imbalance.

Most of the women end up subsidising their partners, some of the households end up in debt.

During the separation or divorce process, the women often end up disadvantaged because of joint household debts, their exes seek their female partner's assets during the settlement after not contributing to their joint finances, the male partner won't move out of the property, if there are kids involved, they won't pay child support.

For example, there was a recent thread whereby a guy quit his job citing anxiety yet goes regularly off to football and the pub. He demanded his wife who has recently given birth goes back to a full time job and he's withdrawn their joint savings.

Before that, there was a woman with lots of kids who 'house husband' insisted she puts them into a nursery 3 days week and who sabotaged their debt management plan by buying whatever he liked and mocking her about it.

If it's bad now, due to his lack of financial control, laziness and selfishness, what is it going to be like further down the line? You need someone who shows you respect, who has a bit of drive and isn't settling for a work-life balance that disadvantages you.

Put yourself first - he does.

mariposa687

Thanks all, after many pained discussions we decided to split up. A quote from him 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. He said he thought we could get what we had back but I said I wasn't prepared to wait for someone to decide if they loved me enough or not.

I'm heartbroken

Keeping_Positive

Sorry to hear but I do think its for the best. Here's hoping you find a prince.

mariposa687

I know, I think I will be off men for quite a while after this!

When_the_going_gets_tough

Take very good care of yourself. Take some time to work out what you want. Allow yourself to grieve for what you have lost, what might have been, what was never really there. Good luck for the future x

marisco_2

mariposa687 wrote: »

I'm heartbroken

I think you should feel very proud that you respect yourself enough to have walked away. You know that you would have led a lesser life by staying with him. There is no future to such an imbalanced partnership as you two had. You now have the chance of enjoying a really happy and fulfilling future. Good luck