Relationship advice

mariposa687

I'm looking for some advice, my relationship has come to a crossroads and I'm confused.

Been together 3 years, moved in after a year when I moved down South. We moved as OH wasn't having much luck with jobs and thought we would be better off down here. It took 2 years for him to get a part time job. I had a transfer with work so I supported us for that time. OH works part time and now contributes to bills but here lies the issue. I'm fed up of waiting on him getting a full time job. He has no trouble getting interviews but never gets offered the job - something I have gently mentioned may be a sign of something going wrong.

He always seems to have time and money for his hobbies but I don't despite earning more. I feel I have given up a lot to make the relationship work. A prime example being him signing up to an evening course - I had no issue with it until I found out he didn't actually have the money to pay for it outright (I was under that impression) and now has to pay it up monthly. It's a quite a lot of money considering his part time wage. He also has another hobby which isn't that cheap either.

I find it hard to make friends anyway and I'm miserable here and would like to go back home but I just don't think he would do it. My main motivation is that when we have children I want my mum around to help. I also just don't like it here and I don't feel settled. I want to start saving for a house deposit but he keeps spending money on stupid things. For example £65 on a pair of sunglasses when he had another pair that were fine. He got 20% off was his justification. Personally I think that's ridiculous! He has also said he wants to travel more before settling down. I said that he either has to get a move on then or adjust his expectations.

We're not in debt and we don't have a joint account. I don't know what to do because I love him but I can't put up with it anymore. Things are fairly bad at the moment between us because it's come to a standstill and I just don't think I can settle here. I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I being reasonable to be fed up with this?

sulphate

Yes you are being perfectly reasonable.

He sounds like he is taking advantage of your good nature and better salary. He doesn't work full time because he doesn't have to. My guess is that he doesn't do well at interviews because he isn't motivated enough.

How do you budget? I recommend setting a strict amount that you both can spend on luxuries per month that is the same for both of you ie £100-£150 a month. The rest goes into the pot for rent and bills. Anything left over you save for a rainy day. The fact that he can spend £65 on sunglasses and expensive hobbies hints that perhaps he keeps quite a lot of disposable income to himself.

You mention that he might want to travel more before settling down. This might be the crux of the issue. It sounds like you have different values and goals in your life. With that in mind, the vast majority of relationships with the same issue will not work out.

BitterAndTwisted

You have far more patience and understanding than I would have. This is a grown man living off his partner, and not only is he not humble or grateful, he's blatantly taking advantage of you. I'd have shoved those £65 sunglasses where the sun don't shine moments before I'd taken my packed bags off with me back home.

This is not long-term, successful relationship material. He's a lazy, selfish a-hole user. Wake up and smell the coffee!

Axled

Substitute each he for you in your opening post and read it to him. You are being reasonable and clear in my opinion, if he doesn't get it then you have your answer. He may just think that everything is fine.

If his evening course will help him get a better paid job it may not be bad. I assume from your post this isn't the case though.

mariposa687

I just feel the course could have waited until he had a full time job. It will eventually help to get a better job but I feel his immediate focus should be on getting the job he can and then getting the job he wants.

Looking at it written down, it feels like we are worlds apart at the moment. I don't have an infinite amount of time to wait for him.

mgdavid

tell him to get another part-time job that fits around the one he has. Then tell him to find a weekend job too! And if he has evenings free he can work in a pub. In the 'south' there is simply no excuse whatsoever to not find plenty of work. Round here I regularly see Staff Wanted signs outside pubs, hotels, cafes, and even on small-ads boards in local shops. TBQH he sounds work-shy, which does not bode well for your future with him.

BrassicWoman

why do you want a child with this man? Sounds like you'll be a sngle mum for all practical purposes.

FBaby

This is not long-term, successful relationship material. He's a lazy, selfish a-hole user. Wake up and smell the coffee!

And yet there are many women, even child free who only work part-time, enjoying their free time whilst their husband work full-time and support these activities.

It is interesting that although this seems to be accepted by our society as 'normal', the other way around is seen as a selfish position.

OP, I think you need to reconsider with your partner what you might want for the future. Do you earn a decent income? Could it be that when (if!) you have children, your partner could continue to work part-time and looked after the children? It sounds like he is doing his best to get a full-time job but isn't being successful. It is not easy to be the one selected when up to 10 people might be interviewed, so it is not forcibly that he is not good at interviews. He needs to percevere.

Saying all that, you are clearly fed up and starting to express resentment, and if that continues, it is likely that your love for him will go down the pants. One suggestion to start with, can you work out how much disposable income you have once you have paid all the bills and then divide what is left by two. How that money is spent is each other's business, but that's all there is to spend on other things but essentials.

jetplane

When you say he contributes to the bills is this a fair contribution or is it more like having a teenager pay board? In relationships we often subsidise each other for different reasons and at different times. However as two working adults with no children or disability if he has more disposable income than you then not only is the work balance unfair but so is the division of financial responsibility. Have you sat down with a budget?

He may well want to travel and not be ready to settle with a family but does he have any idea how he will finance this? When children come along will it be you taking the responsibility for childcare, finances etc? Would he take on the childcare, household chores, cooking etc. Does he do this now?

I don't think you are unreasonable you have moved area with the promise of better things to come, you have subsidised him for too long and he seems happy to drift along. Add to this the fact that you are unhappy where you live and the future looks bleak.

In your situation I would sit down with a budget and make him pay his share. When that leaves him with no money for luxuries then he will have to up his work efforts. If he is unwilling then is he worth it?

mariposa687

Because I thought he would change, I realise that's unlikely now. I just thought if he loved me enough and knew how I was feeling (which he does because we have talked so such over the past few weeks) he would do what it took to make things work but I'm not sure anymore. I just wanted an opinion from someone who doesn't know me or him. He's told we he wants to be married and have kids but he's showing no signs of committing so I guess I know what's coming. We'e been together 3 years, it's not a decision to be made lightly.

mariposa687

I know it's hard to get a job, I've been through it myself so I understand. I know the recession has made things harder. I've tried to get him to look at our finances together but he seems reluctant. I've asked him how he will get the money to travel and his response to things like that is that he will find the money. It's always, commit to something first, find the money later. I'm off to work now so will be back on later this evening. Thanks for all the responses so far.