How to find someones birth mother?

PrincessPlaty

A bit of a long shot here but thought it was worth a go.

A very good friend of mine died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago.

His mother allegedly abandoned him when he was a baby, he had very little to do with any family members throughout his entire life and was adopted.

At the funeral a lot of family members came out of the woodwork and attended out of what I can only presume is guilt because none of them bothered with him when he was alive.

I asked them the question about whether his mother had been told and the response that I was met with was 'she doesn't deserve to know and we don't know where she is'.

To me this just sits a little bit wrong whether she did willingly abandon him as a baby she still has the right to be told that he is no longer with us. Whether she chooses to act on that information is then entirely up to her but I really do feel that she has the right to be told at the very least.

When he was alive he made no effort to find or try and contact her, he didn't want to know the answers and the family cut her out of their lives many years ago, but that doesn't say to me that she never tried to find him and she could still be looking for him now.

He never told me her name nor the name of his father in honesty I am unsure as to whether he even knew. The family are not going to co-operate with giving me any information to try and help me to trace her.

I know where he was born, his date of birth and who is adoptive family were (again they have sided with blood relatives and had not had anything to do with him for years). I have managed to find out his mothers surname as it was at the time of his birth.

However have been unable to find a first name for her, obviously she could have married or changed her name for other reasons. So I am a little bit stuck as to where to start.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I am going to contact After Adoption tomorrow to see if they can point me in the right direction but obviously because of DPA I doubt they are going to be able to give me any information directly anyway.

My friend was only 28 years old when he passed away so the chances are that his biological mother is still alive somewhere, though obviously I can not be 100% certain of this.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please?

g6jns_2

PrincessPlaty wrote: »

A bit of a long shot here but thought it was worth a go.

A very good friend of mine died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago.

His mother allegedly abandoned him when he was a baby, he had very little to do with any family members throughout his entire life and was adopted.

At the funeral a lot of family members came out of the woodwork and attended out of what I can only presume is guilt because none of them bothered with him when he was alive.

I asked them the question about whether his mother had been told and the response that I was met with was 'she doesn't deserve to know and we don't know where she is'.

To me this just sits a little bit wrong whether she did willingly abandon him as a baby she still has the right to be told that he is no longer with us. Whether she chooses to act on that information is then entirely up to her but I really do feel that she has the right to be told at the very least.

When he was alive he made no effort to find or try and contact her, he didn't want to know the answers and the family cut her out of their lives many years ago, but that doesn't say to me that she never tried to find him and she could still be looking for him now.

He never told me her name nor the name of his father in honesty I am unsure as to whether he even knew. The family are not going to co-operate with giving me any information to try and help me to trace her.

I know where he was born, his date of birth and who is adoptive family were (again they have sided with blood relatives and had not had anything to do with him for years). I have managed to find out his mothers surname as it was at the time of his birth.

However have been unable to find a first name for her, obviously she could have married or changed her name for other reasons. So I am a little bit stuck as to where to start.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I am going to contact After Adoption tomorrow to see if they can point me in the right direction but obviously because of DPA I doubt they are going to be able to give me any information directly anyway.

My friend was only 28 years old when he passed away so the chances are that his biological mother is still alive somewhere, though obviously I can not be 100% certain of this.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please?

Whilst I don't doubt you are trying to act from the best of motives to be blunt it really is none of your business. It is unlikely the files will be released to you. The best thing you can do is remember the good things about him and forget the unpleasantness.

whitewing

You could maybe keep a copy of his funeral service and the obituary, and write a letter of your memories of him to add to his adoption file in case an agency ever tries to track him down for his mother.

I think it would be inappropriate for you to do any searching for her at the moment when your grief and family's grief is so raw.

I hope the adoption agencies can support you in making the decision though.I am sorry that you have this niggling away at you, and sorry for your loss.

McKneff

At the moment, every thing is very raw.


In time you will realise that it has absolutely nothing to do with you.. Remember your friend with love, and then let them rest in peace.......


Been there, done that, I remember my beautiful friend Colleen, treated for arthritis in her shoulder for 12 months, then death within 3 months for lung cancer, I had to go for years before I could forgive our family doc, but got there in the end, I remember her with fondness.... and she has rested in peace since.

SailorSam

Whether his Mother abandoned him or for some reason had to give him up, you can't judge the woman today for something that happend many years ago. You don't know the full story but it can't have been easy for her to just walk away.

PrincessPlaty

g6jns whilst I appreciate your honesty and do understand where you are coming from in stating that it is none of my business.
I was one of his closest friends and one of the only people that stood by him throughout his life whilst his 'family' abandoned him only choosing to show their faces at his funeral they didn't bother when he was alive.

I am not wanting to contact this woman and tell her that her son that she had nothing to do with is dead. I am wanting to inform the appropriate people of his death incase she does or is looking for him.

However without the information such as her name it is going to give them very little to be able to attach it to.

I do not want to judge this woman in any way what so ever. It can not of been easy for her to 'walk away' from her child and I honestly believe there was more to it than my friend was ever told and the only person who knows the truth about what happened is her. I have no wish to know any further information, that is none of my business.

As his mother whether she was there throughout his life or not, she did carry him for 9 months and give birth to him she has a right to know and if his own 'family' won't make sure the correct people are made aware then who else will?

Thanks for telling me it is nothing to do with me though, I will remember that when I call After Adoption tomorrow now I have managed to find his mothers details and give them the correct information to be passed on to his mother in the correct way by the correct people should she ever try and locate him.

Armorica

You don't need his mother's information; you need his information and the adoption agencies/files do the rest.

chiefgoobster

Or send Nicky & Davina an email if you are stuck.

McKneff

chiefgoobster wrote: »

Or send Nicky & Davina an email if you are stuck.

Wrong way round though, they don't look for dead peoples relatives......

PrincessPlaty

Nice to see that the keyboard warriors are still out in force on here *rolls eyes*.

I have spoken to the local authority adoption team this morning and given them the information about my friends death. I didn't volunteer the information I had found about his mother until the point that they said they may have trouble in locating her from just his details.

I then gave her the information that I had found and she said that it would make it much easier to locate her.

So therefore the information was needed.

As I said in my original post as his mother whether she willingly abandoned him as a baby or not she has a right to know what has happened to her son.

whitewing

I agree that the info should be available to her.

I must admit that when I read the first post, I thought you intended to find and tell her yourself, which I don't think would have been right at this stage.