Father never paid child support, now found him after 36 years!

duchy

You come across as really disliking this man and resentful that he doesn't want to be a father even now and the fact he doesn't want to put you in contact with your half sister implies he was either a rubbish father to her too- or she doesn#t know about you - and he has no intention of that changing.

All this talk of a documentary sounds like more blackmail TBH. You want to "back him into a corner" to pony up some money. In what universe is that not blackmail ?

If your Mum doesn't want to have anything to do with this man or his money -it might be the happiest outcome. You've both lived your lives for at least twenty five years without him - why change that ?

Sorry Matt but I think you need to be very clear in your own mind why you'd want to do anything. It'd be understandable if you held deep resentment towards this man for deserting both you and your Mum -but forcing him into a corner isn't going to help . He behaved badly but your Mum was probably determined to raise you as a better man than he is. How do you think she'd feel about you wanting to put him (and her life) into a documentary -or use the threat of doing so to obtain money from him for her ?

DigForVictory

Yet another voice suggesting you Please talk to your mum.

Noone disputes that your father has behaved badly, but what you know & what your mum knows *may* be two different things. She may not want to go to court again.

And to spin mojisola's excellent point on it's head, if your father hasn't made a Will then your mum stands to inherit - subject to being able to recover a business etc & other assets from another country.

Please, talk to your mum. With food & drink on hand, to help keep blood sugar stable. With handkerchiefs to mop up some of the strong feelings that are undoubtedly around. With honesty - that you seem to want a formal acknowledgement enforced on him and some kind of retribution made to your mum.

She may have got to now, achieved a peace with her past & be quietly planning a gentle old age which a sudden influx of money might upset severely.
She may want not money but to see his head on a platter.
She may want your head on a platter for disturbing her calm (relationships can be Very Odd).

So please, talk to her & be ready to duck, shut up, back away, swear undying love & to never lay a finger on the bloke in thought word or deed, as well as fight legal battles for her. As she is her own woman & has paid a price to get there & she may value it more than you realise.

All the best with this vital conversation!

Mattonlaptop

duchy wrote: »

You come across as really disliking this man and resentful that he doesn't want to be a father even now and the fact he doesn't want to put you in contact with your half sister implies he was either a rubbish father to her too- or she doesn#t know about you - and he has no intention of that changing.

All this talk of a documentary sounds like more blackmail TBH

If your Mum doesn't want to have anything to do with this man or his money -it might be the happiest outcome. You've both lived your lives for at least twenty five years without him - why change that ?

It is important to note, that since March all our conversations by Skype have been completely amicable. Given the circumstances I think my attitude towards him as been very good. I have only asked him 2 difficult questions. 1) Do I have brothers or sisters. 2) Did he ever try to find me. My mother has never said a bad word about him to her credit, and has never discouraged me in finding him.

A documentary would only be for positive purposes, to show others that there is hope out there, and that people can find their loved ones if they look hard enough. He of course wouldn't like it because of the lies he has told, but my reason for doing anything isn't for him, but to give others hope.

The dislike I have for the man, is because of what he did to my Mother by leaving her to bring me up alone, all I want him to do is stand up and be responsible for that.

duchy

And what exactly would be positive about a documentary that says " Your long lost parent may be an absolute !!!! who isn't too fussed one way or another about you, is a liar, won't tell you about any siblings and won't tell you if they ever bothered looking for you? "
How is that positive ? What hope does this give ?

I speak from the position of my partner finally finding him Mum after fifty years. She was thrilled, straight away introduced him to his half siblings -who always knew about him but despite all that good stuff it's still a difficult relationship and one that we are building slowly. It is never easy but with the resentment you feel -it sounds impossible.

Your planned documentary wouldn't give hope-it'd scare people silly that finding their parent could be an unmitigated disaster !!!

Mattonlaptop

duchy wrote: »

And what exactly would be positive about a documentary that says " Your long lost parent may be an absolute !!!! who isn't too fussed one way or another about you, is a liar, won't tell you about any siblings and won't tell you if they ever bothered looking for you? How is that positive ?

I should explain, that a friend of mine found him through social media, that's the positive spin, it's not really about what he has done, but about how others can find people through the power of the internet.

Well he told me about siblings, I have a sister. He told me he didn't bother looking for me because of a pact he has with his partner never to discuss their past.

Anyway, what these posts have done is spurred me on, and in the last 10 mins I have emailed him, telling him I would like to meet in person. As I have said all along our conversations have been more than amicable. I don't think I will ever trust him, simply because still recently he has been living a lie, but I am prepared to let him tell his side of the story.

duchy

Good luck !!!

Mattonlaptop

duchy wrote: »

And what exactly would be positive about a documentary that says " Your long lost parent may be an absolute !!!! who isn't too fussed one way or another about you, is a liar, won't tell you about any siblings and won't tell you if they ever bothered looking for you? "
How is that positive ? What hope does this give ?

I speak from the position of my partner finally finding him Mum after fifty years. She was thrilled, straight away introduced him to his half siblings -who always knew about him but despite all that good stuff it's still a difficult relationship and one that we are building slowly. It is never easy but with the resentment you feel -it sounds impossible.

Your planned documentary wouldn't give hope-it'd scare people silly that finding their parent could be an unmitigated disaster !!!

50 years, wow! Did your partner feel no resentment whatsoever?

Everyone of these situations has a different set of circumstances I guess.

SailorSam

My Mum got divorced when i was only a baby i can't ever remember seeing my Dad, even the wedding photos got cut in half so i never saw him on those. I can remember when i was very young going to the Court with my Mum of a Friday to collect the maintenance, £1 for me and 1 shilling for my Mum. More often than not there would be nothing there and my Mum had to go back to Court, She never ever spoke about him and i could always sense the ill feeling so i never asked. I'm 61 now and after my Mum died wanting to know more i started a family tree. One of the things i joked about if i were to find him and knock on his door was ........ please can i have all the money you owe me.

shegirl

If your documentary making friend had any idea what they were doing they would not use your story, because it is not a good one. It would, infact, be a total sham.


If you had any respect for your mother you would not be doing this.


You sound like you yourself want a cash boost, and that's likely how it will look to your poor mum!

Mattonlaptop

shegirl wrote: »

If your documentary making friend had any idea what they were doing they would not use your story, because it is not a good one. It would, infact, be a total sham.


If you had any respect for your mother you would not be doing this.


You sound like you yourself want a cash boost, and that's likely how it will look to your poor mum!

Please explain how it would be a total sham? I am sure there have been plenty of instances where people have found long lost family / friends through social media.

I do not want a cash boost, nor do I need it and nor should you judge my posts. I have said from the off, it is for my Mother not for me, and yes I think she deserves a cash boost at her age!! I think the point is being missed here. Do you honestly believe let sleeping dogs lie, and that he should not take any responsibility whatsoever for his actions?