Direct cremation - does anyone have experience of this please?

longforgotten

If you're trying to keep costs down I'd check on how much the cremation will cost.


If you move your Mum to your area your Council crematory may charge more than her Council Crematory in her area (if only because she'll be classed a 'non-resident' )


Worth checking.........

Savvy_Sue

I think it was on that Saturday Live morning programme on Radio 4 I heard about a woman who took Mum on a trip in a caravan to all her favourite places, and invited friends to come and say goodbye, before deciding what to do with the body. Surprisingly few regulations were found ...

However, I'm not suggesting that's necessarily the way to go, fun though it sounded at the time.

I think I'd go for the direct cremation then doing something with the ashes to which your aunt, her cousin and anyone who might like to attend could be invited, BUT you do what you think best and don't worry what they might think about it!

nightsong

As ever, thank you so much everyone for your helpful and insightful replies.

OH and I have spent the last three days clearing her very small flat. It's quite amazing how much she managed to squirrel away in there ( a trait I have inherited and now intend to do something about before my kids are in this position!). As I'm sure many people do, I was really dreading the task but in the end found it very sad, but also helpful in coming tot terms with what's happened.

I explained to my aunt and uncle what my mother wanted for her funeral and fortunately they accepted it without seeming too upset. I wonder now if a funeral might be a lot for them to cope with as they are in their nineties - they certainly wouldn't have wanted to travel across the country for it. My aunt told me how she and my mother had been reminiscing about their childhood the last few times she saw her. I'm so glad.

Shelldean, that is uncanny - my mother dies at the hospital in Sutton and I believe we drove through Rose Hill to get to it. But that's hardly any distance! It will be interesting to see what figures come up when I start contacting funeral directors today. Could be that the cost of bringing her over here is prohibitive anyway.

Shelldean

Being nosey which hosp?

And no it's not a huge distance we was quite shocked at how much was charged.

TBagpuss

sorry for your loss.

She may have been serious about the cardboard box. You can get card board coffins - we had one for my grandmother - it was made of fairly thicjk corregated cardboard, but it wasn't obvious unless you were really looking.

She had mad clear that she thought it was wasteful and silly to pay £1000s for a wooden coffin to be cremated.

Talk to your local crematorium about what you want.

With regard to telling the family, I would bear in mindthat funerals are for the living, not the dead. If you feel that have to do as your mum asked so that you can grieve (i.e. if it is a comfprt to you to feel you are following her wishes) then that is a good reason to do it that way. But your aunt (her sister?) will also be grieving.

I would sugest telling her that mum made it clear that she did not want a formal funerla so there will not be a service.

However, if you feel you can, I would consider suggesting that there is something to mark her passing which you can ask aunt and any other family to - this could be meeting to scatter her ashes, or a 'wake' / get-together to swap memories about her, or even a memorial service to celebrate her life.

Many people find it really important to have something to mark the loss of a loved one, even if it is not a formal funeral. If you don't feel you want to arrange anything then another option would be to tell aunt that there won't be a funeral as mum was clear she didn't want one, but that you would have no objection to aunt arranging a memorial service if she wishes to do so. You don't have to go if you don't feel you can,.

nightsong

In the end I told my aunt straight what my mother had said she wanted, and then just waited for her reaction, which was, "oh well then, if that's what she said you should respect her wishes". In any case, she is in her 90s and wouldn't have found it easy to travel across the country for this, and I wasn't prepared to have it near her just for her convenience.She asked to be notified of the time and date so I will let her know. I expect she wants to think of my mother then.

Before the last few weeks I have barely been in contact with her or my cousin for about 25 years. It's been Christmas cards and that's about all. There have been many family events (happy ones, like weddings) on that side that my mother and I were not invited to over the years - we were effectively excluded from their lives for decades. We kind of had poor relation status with them and that didn't feel good.

So, though I appreciate what my aunt has done for my mother over the last couple of months in particular, I didn't feel obliged to do other than my mother wanted in order to fit in with them, frankly.

I passed on some items to my aunt and cousin that I think are appropriate mementos - my aunt did seem pleased - and I've promised to copy some photos for her. She said "keep in touch" at the end of our visit and I will. But in truth I wanted it to be just me and my mother at the end (and DH, of whom my mother grew very fond and who has been a wonderful support over all this). So I'm glad my aunt didn't make that difficult for me.

There, that's very honest isn't it? I think people who have close family ties sometimes find it hard to appreciate what it's like for those of us who don't. There are different ways to grieve and we have to find our own way I think and not bow to convention for the sake of appearances.

jackyann

So glad you have it sorted, nightsong, and well done to you & all of your family for keeping calm!

BTW, the idea about moving a body across county boundaries comes from the issues that could arise just after sudden death. It's not to do with a death that has been registered, not subject to inquest etc. But you can't move a body across certain boundaries before such things have been dealt with.
It used to be "across a parish boundary" but I am sure that has changed now.
A lifetime ago I worked briefly in a very remote area. The parish was bordered by both sea & river. We had a tiny secure shed which was used as a mortuary as if a body was recovered, we could not move it across the parish boundary until it had a coroner's certificate.
Irrelevant to this discussion, but just to say that I think that is where the idea arose, especially as most coroners' jurisdictions are county boundaries.