Direct cremation - does anyone have experience of this please?

nightsong

So here's the position. My mother died on Thursday and I am now considering how we manage the funeral, or otherwise.

I have searched on here for "direct cremation" and didn't find anything very up-to-date. I will look elsewhere on t'internet, but I trust the people on MSE more than elsewhere!

She talked about what she wanted, and it was to be as simple and inexpensive as possible. A "cardboard box", only me and DH were to attend (I am her only child), no flowers except a single red rose, donations to the NSPCC if anyone wanted to contribute.

I know my aunt will be upset and my cousin has already told me she will be coming to the funeral, so evidently my mother didn't make these wishes known to them. Still, she was very clear about what she wanted so I intend to honour her wishes. Any thoughts about how to tell relatives would be appreciated!

In particular though, she didn't know about direct cremation - and neither did I till earlier today - but it seems to me that it would make a lot of sense. There seems no point in paying for a funeral and the two of us sitting in a chapel being told about her life by someone who's never met her. She wasn't religious and didn't enjoy pomp or being the centre of attention.

I personally don't feel any need for the supposed "closure" that a traditional service would give. I've been to too many funerals that seem to have nothing much to do with the deceased and everything to do with making funeral directors rich. I already have some ideas about where to scatter her ashes and will make sure that this is a suitable way to honour her life.

So my question is, has anyone arranged direct cremation or anything similar? Or knows of another way to do this that doesn't involve a conventional funeral of any kind? By the way I've ruled out "donating to science" as I don't think she'd have liked that.

theoretica

I knew someone whose family got the relevant paperwork and then invited friends around to bring a spade and dig a hole in land they owned. Seemed simpler than I imagined, but less of an option if you live in a city centre flat.

Mojisola

nightsong wrote: »

She talked about what she wanted, and it was to be as simple and inexpensive as possible. A "cardboard box", only me and DH were to attend (I am her only child), no flowers except a single red rose, donations to the NSPCC if anyone wanted to contribute.

There seems no point in paying for a funeral and the two of us sitting in a chapel being told about her life by someone who's never met her. She wasn't religious and didn't enjoy pomp or being the centre of attention.

When you book a time slot at the crem, that's what you get. The kind of service you have - or the absence of a service - is entirely down to you.

Errata

So my question is, has anyone arranged direct cremation or anything similar? Or knows of another way to do this that doesn't involve a conventional funeral of any kind? .

Why not simply ask for the coffin to be taken into the crem service room and for the funeral director to stand in front of it giving your mum's full name, date of birth, date of death, a minute's silence and that's the end of it?
That seems a better solution to me than having your mum's body transported in the estate car FD's use for transporting bodies from a person's home or hospital to the FD's premises, and then delivering it in whatever container you've chosen to the back door of the crem.

Surfbabe

my daughters godfather died earlier in the year - he had requested a very simple non conventional funeral, with no vicar etc, no hymns or readings or eulogy etc. So what happened was the coffin (wilowweave one) was bought to the crematorium and placed on the plinth. the few of us that he had requested be there came in with a few flowers from the garden, his favourite piece of music was playing and we just stood in silence for a few minutes with our own thoughts, then everyone placed their flower on the coffin, whispered goodbye and left the room. - very simple and very beautiful.

the undertakers only bought the coffin in and didn't do anything else.

It may be upsetting for your relatives but you just have to tell them that "mums wishes were ......" and then honour them. If they would like to come then, thats up to them but warn them that it will not be a conventional funeral and if they would just like to go to their local church and sit for the time the funeral is then that would be fine.

hope you find a compromise.

getmore4less

Talk to the crem.

unless you tell people where your local crems are no one can help.

some do not allow cardboard coffins and are specific about what can be used for emissions reasons.

nightsong

Thank you all. Lots of useful suggestions and food for thought.

I don't think she was really serious about the cardboard box, just meant don't waste money on a fancy coffin. I was planning on a basic no-frills coffin.

I agree that some of the realities of the direct cremation exerience are very basic. It's a good idea to see if I can come to an arrangement with the crematorium. I will think further about this.

One complication is that she is in Surrey and I'm in Wiltshire. My aunt actually suggested that I might be having the funeral over here which hadn't even occurred to me at the time but I probably would prefer. An added thing to think about. It's very hard to keep thinking straight at the moment I find.

Errata

Moving a body for burial across and through counties and their borders is a bureaucratic nightmare and also expensive.

travelgran

When my husband's mother died the funeral directors delivered the body to the crematorium. A piece of music we had chosen was played and we left when we felt it appropriate. There were only the 2 of us there. There is no need for a service, hymns etc unless this is what you choose.

theoretica

There is also no need to only have one event. Direct cremation could be followed later by a memorial event, whereever you want it. This could have a focus and sitting down with speeches or could simply be a gathering, maybe with a walk to scatter the ashes or plant a tree or whatever and a chance for other people who loved her to say goodbye too.

Mojisola

This might suit if she wanted the arrangements kept simple -

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5058863
Post 14 - "Its usually a cardboard coffin inside a fancy casket.

An attractive outer casket contains a biodegradable cardboard coffin. The coffin is taken out of the casket following the funeral ceremony and cremated or buried. At no time is the coffin or the body disturbed.

As the coffin and body are not disturbed it is fine. They reuse the 'casket' which is the 'coffin' you see."