Find me a solution to a problem I can't solve?

JellyCopter

As I write this it has just gone 05:20am, I've had a restless night and I have been trawling the internet trying to find something that can relate to me. I stumbled across this forum to see plenty of people offering advice, so I'm writing this to see what someone makes of my problem because right now I am stuck in a rut big time. For you to understand my situation, you are going to need to know my past, a past that I am ashamed of. Please do not berate me for my past, the wounds I inflicted have healed and I have righted my wrongs with the people I victimised, through criminal punishment and by means of a personal apology a few years after, along with an explanation as to why I did what I did. This was something I took upon myself to do. Those people saw my remorse was genuine and have forgiven me.

I was never an angel, I'll be the first to admit that but what I turned into was not me as I knew myself. I left school when I was 16 with no GCSE's, well 2 F's and a G, luckily though I did manage to get a job within 2 weeks of leaving at a small tool shop near to where I lived. It was around this time when I started smoking weed. Most of what I earned went on drugs. When I turned 18 this was when things stated getting severe, I started taking harder drugs on the weekends, pills, coke, mdma, base, amphetamines, ketamine, basically anything I could get. This was expensive, so to fund it I started fiddling the tills at work to pocket extra money.

One Friday night I was in my local pub with my friend, we were both off our face on ketamine causing quite a disturbance and we were asked to leave, I kicked off about this so some guy who was at the pub playing skittles decided to try eject me from the pub, not knowing I was high on ketamine. He grabbed me from behind and I elbowed him in the face, he fell to the floor I then kicked him in the head putting him out cold. Other people jumped on me and dragged me outside, where I went crazy smashing up everything in my path. I ended up causing just shy of 4 grand worth of damage. The police came, arrested me, charged me, I lost my job, went to court, got sentenced to 300 hours community service, 12 months on tag, a 10 month supervision order, £4,750 in fines/court costs and £1000 compensation to the guy.

After that I calmed down a bit as being on tag meant I couldn't go out at night which was a blessing. I got a new job at a factory packing boxes, then when the tag came off the first thing I did was meet up with some old faces and start taking drugs again. I was in a bar one night on mdma when the son of the guy I attacked squared up to me wanting answers which he had every right to do, but me being off my face decided the best thing to do was to punch him. The bouncers saw it, pinned me down, got the police and I was back at square 1 again.

This time I was sure I was going to prison and I hit rock bottom. I went to court and pleaded not guilty in order to buy myself some time. A trial date was set, the night before my trial I was going to do a runner. As I was heading off, I bumped into a girl I have known all my life. She worked out what I was doing and took me to her house to talk. I broke down when I was talking to her because I realised I was a failure. She convinced me to face court and told me if I don't go to prison, see this as my last chance and go make something of my life.

The day of the trial I just gave up and pleaded guilty, some how I was never sent to prison, just given a fairly light community order which to this day I still believe was not justice being served after all I had put this family through. Afterwards I decided to turn my back on my friends because I saw them as the problem and I set about trying to get my life back on track. I enrolled on a training course to get City & Guilds level 2's in literacy and numeracy, in the hope of being able to get a good job. I passed these and thought I would try my luck at getting in college to study graphic design, the first 2 colleges I tried never had any spaces left but the third college I tried did. I went to the interview at the college and just openly explained everything I've done wrong, but showed them I had the determination to achieve this.

They accepted me fulltime NVQ level 2. I was 20 and the oldest on the course which was difficult to adapt to. The college was 35 miles away, which meant waking up everyday at 05:30am, walking 3 miles to the nearest city to get the train, doing a full day at college and the same journey back. Most days I got home after 19:00pm. One morning I had an epiphany, I was walking to the train station, it was winter, about 3'C outside and had been raining non stop. The road at the bottom of the hill was flooded completely and I stopped thinking I can't get through this. I looked back up the hill and it was like looking back at my past and if I walked back I was going back to the life I was trying so hard to get away from, so I took off my shoes, socks, boxers, trousers and waded through it for about half a mile. The way I saw it was some divine entity not allowing me an easy ride for all the wrong I had done. Everyday for 3 weeks I waded through that water to get to college.

In the end I finished college with distinctions, and got a decent job. The job was great, I made friends and earned respect. With the money I earned I went back to my first boss and paid him back for all the money I stole from him, and I also faced the family I hurt and made amends for what I did to them. I was in the job for 5 years, then something went catastrophically wrong. My boss who was a great friend had a go at me and I lost my temper. I didn't hit him, but threatened to and walked out. He knew all about my past and phoned me the next day explaining that he was wrong for having a go at me the way he did and my job was still there if I still wanted it. I agreed to go back, but on the day I couldn't do it and emailed a letter of resignation.

Now this is where I'm stuck, it's been almost a year since I resigned and I'm afraid to get another job. This year alone I started 4 new jobs and left them within 2 days. By losing my temper with my boss, I'm afraid part of the old me still lives on and could resurface again leading me to throw away everything I worked so hard for. I don't know where it came from or why I reacted that way and it's like I don't trust myself any more.

Sorry this has taken so long, I just needed to get it out. People who read this will probably think I don't deserve anything, but I really need help with what to do with myself.

PenguinJim

When you're feeling tense, do something different.

Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

JellyCopter

PenguinJim wrote: »

When you're feeling tense, do something different.

Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

I wish it was that simple. I'll come back to this later, I'm going to try get some sleep.

N9eav

Sounds like the biggest problem right now is fits of anger. It would seem that some sort of counselling is required. In a lot of cases a GP can refer you to the right people, or various other charities can help.

FBaby

You need professional help and I mean that in the kindest way. I can totally understand your intense fear, close to a phobia, that after all what you've done to get away from your past, you could go back to it in just one minute. This fear is increasing to the point of overwhelming you, and now holding you up, so that you are at risk of falling into a vicious circle. After all the efforts you've put to overcome this (and I think this is what you want to convey in your post), the prospect of ruining it all is intense.

This is why I think you need to see your GP to be referred to counselling or maybe even a psychologist. You need to both learn not to let your fear overpower you, realise that you are different now as not under the influence of drugs and you DID walk out before you acted on your inpulse, which WAS the right thing to do, but also maybe with anger management in that although it might very well be that you are ok in controlling physically hurting someone, you might still need help controlling the outbursts, that could still cause problems with you moving on.

Don't let this ruin your confidence though as this is what gave you the strength to move on. Remember what you achieved against all odds and focus on this rather than your fears.

I wish you good luck.

FBaby

was writing when N9eav posted, clearly on the same wavelength!

marisco_2

JellyCopter wrote: »

People who read this will probably think I don't deserve anything, but I really need help with what to do with myself.

The people who don't deserve anything are those who refuse to acknowledge the problems they have, and carry on leading a destructive way of life hurting themselves and those closest to them. You have got the strength of character to recognise your issues and to want to seek help for them. Contact your gp, show him/her this very honest account of where you are at if it is easier to get it all out in that way, and ask that they refer you for professional help. I wish you luck.

LandyAndy

I think your GCSE in creative writing is going well.

millysg1

JellyCopter wrote: »

By losing my temper with my boss, I'm afraid part of the old me still lives on and could resurface again leading me to throw away everything I worked so hard for. .

But you are currently throwing away everything you worked so hard for!

It is the fear of failing and of your temper. Don't let that fear get in the way of proving to yourself you have changed. Give yourself the chance! with quitting jobs in 2 days you admitting defeat before giving your chance to rise up to the challenge.

You've turned away from that flooded water and are walking back up that hill. You had that perseverance to walk through that water before, find that strength and determination again!

You can do it!]

I also agree with some others, ask for some help from your GP, anger management maybe!

*Robin*

There will be a long queue for any GP-referred therapy.

Learning a martial art is a great way of discovering effective techniques for coping with anger issues.

Have a look around your area for local clubs. A bonus is you get to meet some wonderful people - a new group of friends.

Good luck!

Primrose

Have you considered contacting the former boss who you walked out on to see if he would give you another chance?

I do think you need some counselling to help with those hidden anger issues. Maybe your GP could help to get some cognitive behavioural therapy. Meanwhile join your library (it's free,) and ask them to get you some books on anger management and rebuilding self confidence.