Nearly 4 year old who ignores people!

pinkshoes

DS is nearly 4, and at home he has amazing speech, very articulate, expresses himself really well, and a very good vocab given his age.

When he's near a stranger or someone who isn't a very familiar character, he will NOT speak. Sometimes he even looks in a different direction and pretends they are not there!

He only speaks freely in front of close family, other children his age (if no adult is listening), and apparently he chats to his nursery key worker, although not if me or DH is there!

We were at a friend's house the other day (all day), and even after we'd been there several hours, my friend (who he has met many times) asked if he'd like an ice cream, and he refused to reply. Just stared at a random space like no one had said something.

Is this normal? (as it's getting quite annoying, and I have no idea how to help him!).

clairec79

It's could be selective mutism - although my daughter was far worse than you describe although she wouldn't look through people, she's now 13 and as she says you can't shut her up.

Think it was over a year before she'd answer her name in the register, would take her nearly an hour before she'd speak to her grandparents (though would cuddle on their laps) - but she outgrew it

pinkshoes

Yeah, even with family he's seen many times, it takes him AGES to speak to them, including grandparents.

Have just looked up selective mutism, and it does sound a bit like that.

He actually seems to be getting worse rather than better, and I've not seen any other children behave in such an extreme manner. Even shy ones can manage a nod and make eye contact.

savingmummy

My son has selective mutism, and it does sound like it could be.
How long has he been like this? Or Is it recent?
You will need to see your gp about it to get an assessment.

pinkshoes

savingmummy wrote: »

My son has selective mutism, and it does sound like it could be.
How long has he been like this? Or Is it recent?
You will need to see your gp about it to get an assessment.

Since he could talk. He's always had such great speech, and it's such a shame that only close family get to hear it!

There has been ONE "stranger" (a colleague of mine) that said hello to DS, and he said hello back. Sadly this has never happened again.

Gigervamp

Have you asked him why he does that?

When my children were small, if somebody spoke to them and they didn't answer, I'd tell them that it was rude to not answer somebody and then they would reply. Have you done this?

Just wondering about the basics before going down the selective mutism route.

marisco_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

When he's near a stranger or someone who isn't a very familiar character, he will NOT speak. Sometimes he even looks in a different direction and pretends they are not there!

Children with Selective Mutism often show signs of severe anxiety, such as separation anxiety, moodiness, inflexibility, sleep problems and extreme shyness from a young age. The anxiety experienced causes a child to shut down, avoid and withdraw from a situation, or it may cause them to play up, have tantrums and display negative behaviour.

Is your son sensitive to sounds, lights, touch, taste and smells?

Spendless

Just throwing another suggestion into the mix (I know nothing about selective mutism) is it possible he's been told by someone 'you musn't talk to strangers'?

pinkshoes

Gigervamp - I've asked him why he won't talk to people, but he can't explain and doesn't know. I've explained it is very rude to ignore people and not say hello, and even stood there and tried to make him say hello, but at best he might wave!

Marisco - he hates loud noises (motorbike engines, fireworks etc...) but isn't too sensitive to other things. I had huge issues with separation anxiety when he was little, and at times he can throw monstrous tantrums over nothing, like deciding he didn't want to wear a certain t-shirt, but I assume this is normal toddler behaviour, as I've seen his friends do similar?

His friends will all happily chat to me, but he won't chat to friends mums and just pretends they didn't ask him anything!

He sleeps ok, but has always been quite shy. He's certainly not quiet though - he's hilarious and quite a character at home!

It's like being a mother to Jekyll/Hyde!

barbiedoll

There's a man who lives down the road from my mum, he used to run the local newsagents with his family. Even though I am now 49 years old, whenever I see him he still mentions the fact that when I was a little girl, I would completely ignore him when he spoke to me. And back then, I used to see him practically every day!

I can clearly remember being with my mum or dad and hating it when they stopped to speak to people in the street because the other person would ALWAYS speak to me and I simply didn't want to speak to other grown-ups. My mum says that she was always terribly embarrassed as I would throw a dirty look at anyone who dared speak to me, then I would turn my back on them. She says that I only really grew out of it after I started school (at age 5, I didn't attend nursery or pre-school)

I was just really shy and didn't like speaking to grown-ups, apparently I was quite clingy, especially around my dad. Your son may well just be at that awkward age where other adults are a bit scary and intimidating, it doesn't mean that he's got anything "wrong" with him. My son was quite similar, he was very clingy and only really improved when he started nursery and when I went back to work and he had to go to the childminder for a few hours during the day. My best friend (who knew him from birth) used to come round every Friday evening with her young son and it was a couple of years before he would really speak to her, she couldn't even get near him to give him a hug or kiss goodbye for ages.

If he's bright and chatty at home, it doesn't sound as though you have much to worry about just yet. I used to worry endlessly about my son being so clingy and shy but one of my friends put it into perspective when she told me that she worried about her chatty, friendly toddler, who used to stand at the garden gate and natter to anyone who happened to pass by. She was always worried that anyone could lead her daughter away, as she put it, at least I knew that my son wouldn't willingly walk off with a complete stranger!

khall

pinkshoes wrote: »

DS is nearly 4, and at home he has amazing speech, very articulate, expresses himself really well, and a very good vocab given his age.

When he's near a stranger or someone who isn't a very familiar character, he will NOT speak. Sometimes he even looks in a different direction and pretends they are not there!

He only speaks freely in front of close family, other children his age (if no adult is listening), and apparently he chats to his nursery key worker, although not if me or DH is there!

We were at a friend's house the other day (all day), and even after we'd been there several hours, my friend (who he has met many times) asked if he'd like an ice cream, and he refused to reply. Just stared at a random space like no one had said something.

Is this normal? (as it's getting quite annoying, and I have no idea how to help him!).

I'd like to say a big thank you to you and everyone who replied as I could have written this post myself about my DD who is nearly 5. She has been like this for nearly 2 years and we have really struggled with it.
Will be calling our GP first thing tomorrow as after looking up selective mutism, I'm 99% sure thats the answer.

I'm sure its not a phase or normal toddler behaviour but had no idea what it actually could be. I think the worst thing is that the child I see is so very different to the child everyone else sees.

My DD too doesn't like certain noises: motorbikes, dogs barking, balloons popping. She will (IMO) completely overreact to situations and get upset/angry about what I think are little things, and gets very anxious in social situations even with family she knows quite well.

TBH lately I've gotten quite annoyed with people implying she is rude/ignorant etc when she is so clearly nervous and gets quite upset. At least now I can see a way forward to helping her manage a little easier, so thank you very much. :j