Can't try again after miscarriage

lilmissreading

Nicki wrote: »

All I can suggest is that you use the waiting time to prepare for your next pregnancy. Perhaps start taking pre-natal vitamins and getting yourself in tip top physical shape, and start putting any extra money you have aside for a baby fund, so that when life looks up and you can start trying to conceive again, you have a little nest egg to buy the baby equipment you want. I know though that that isn't a complete answer. I think there is a waiting to try to conceive thread on here too, where there are other ladies who want to start families but can't just at the moment, so there may be some welcoming people over there too who can share how you feel.

Very well put.

You sound angry - loss and grief can come out this way as well as feeling sad, overwhelmed, bereft. It's perfectly understandable and a common experience for those grieving.

If your friends are all in the position you want to be in but you feel they don't understand your situation, you might be projecting the anger you feel towards your friends and about your situation on to others you don't know.

You might be projecting because it is a safe way to feel angry as you won't ruin any relationships by being angry at faceless other people. You know logically it's not your friends' fault they are pregnant or you lost your baby or the work situation sucks in Cornwall. Therefore you don't want to get cross at them but doesn't mean it's not entirely reasonable to feel the way you feel.

I'm saying this because I think one of the ways to manage depression is to understand all the reasons why it started. Obviously losing your baby was the trigger but anger can turn into depression also.

I also wasn't sure whether the move to Cornwall was still hard at this stage and whether you were away from supportive friends and family? Do you have a social life? Whether you missed your old home or old job/colleagues from before? All things that are perfectly survivable normally but you are not currently in a normal situation.

If you can, I would do the things Nicki suggested. If you are isolated socially, start finding ways of developing relationships and hobbies now while you are not pg and it will be easier for you once you are pg again. Make a list of things you can do now that you can't do when pg and enjoy them. Good glass of red wine, rare steak, pate, staying up past 10pm, good book, exercise (fitter you are, the easier it should be - hopefully there are good walks near you but try the ramblers association) and so on. Exercise is proven to be effective treatment in mild to moderate depression. Maybe look for volunteer opportunities while seeking work for a sense of occupation and meaning. Dog rescue centers sometimes need people to help walk the dogs.

Speak to your GP. Look at the miscarriage thread on here. Ask about counselling - there is a national service called Increasing Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) which is often locally known by different names that can be helpful. Your GP should know.

Most importantly, work out what will help you NOW and see how you can get that.

All the very best and good luck.

loztredders

Thanks everybody for the supportive replies and advice.
Think I was just having a bad day the other day and just felt the need to have a total rant to people who don't know me in real life really.

I am still hurting from the loss, it's honestly the most devastated thing that has ever happened to me. Far worse than any death of relatives has been to get through in the past.

That probably sounds strange to some who haven't been there but to me I had a baby growing inside me for 13 weeks and that baby was very real to me despite never getting to truly see the baby etc. Honestly was heartbreaking and i'm sorry to others who have gone through this too.

I also agree with the statement about being able to support yourselves without the need to claim any benefits. But the loss of my income during this time would be difficult for us as it is for any others. And who's to say that when we are financially better off we might not be physically better off.

We chose to start trying now as I had pre cancerous cells removed from my cervix which have a fairly high chance of returning at some point meaning I will need more invasive cervical surgery making a full term pregnancy more difficult to carry.

So trying to work out all the benefits against risks at the moment to work out what's best all around.
ultimately though I don't want to bring a child into the world without knowing that we have enough income to support ourselves and our little one, as whilst love is obviously first and foremost. Finances play a massive part in family dynamics.
I'd hate me and OH to get stressed and start arguing as we are worrying about money etc.

I'm starting to make friends here now from my seasonal job.a we've all vowed to stay in touch and have been out for a meal and we will be meeting up again soon etc. So I'm not totally lonely here anymore.
Also, I get on well with OH family and they treat me like family too so it's not as hard as it was when we first moved.