Can't try again after miscarriage

loztredders

So, I had a miscarriage last month at 13 weeks.
Obvisuly totally torn up about it but we were going to try again straight away.

However after calculating our finances we can't seem to afford to try again straight away now.

I was working up until april when we moved counties and it took almost three months for me to find a new job here, which is only actually seasonal jul-sept and finishes in three weeks time.

If we hadn't have lost the baby, I would've been able to claim maternity allowance (not statutory) as I would have worked the required amount of weeks, even if I was unable to find another job. Which i'm desperatly trying to do - but living in cornwall this is proving VERY difficult to do!

So my question is, how can I cope with the depression I'm still suffering with since the miscarriage and the fact that we can't try again until I manage to secure a job, when all the rejections are making me even more depressed!

It just pi**es me off so much that my OH and I have worked our entire lives since age 16, I'm only 26 so appreciate that's not really a very long time. He is late 30's, yet people who don't and have never worked are able to have a baby whenever they want and get tonnes of help.

Just a rant really, since the majority of my friends are currently expecting, have just given birth or already have kids so don't understand my sadness over the miscarriage and now the wait we are facing.

Heffi1

I am sorry to hear of your loss.


Your post comes across quite badly though, it seems to speak of benefits and money as the reason to bring a child into the world. Surely that is not the reason is it? You would have this child for ever, if you think that you need to rely on state handouts in order to have a child, then I suggest you are both not ready just yet.

loztredders

That's not what I mean at all.

What I mean actually, was thinking I'm potentially going to be unemployed for around 2 years.
I can imagine getting a job as a pregnant woman would be even harder than getting a job as a non expecting woman.

So it's really the loss of my income for this amount of time that would be hard.

To be honest I'm quite offended by your post. This baby would be loved a huge amount regardless, however, it's important that we can actually get by money wise with day to day life too, regardless of how much our little one will be loved!!

tomtontom

Heffi1 wrote: »

I am sorry to hear of your loss.


Your post comes across quite badly though, it seems to speak of benefits and money as the reason to bring a child into the world. Surely that is not the reason is it? You would have this child for ever, if you think that you need to rely on state handouts in order to have a child, then I suggest you are both not ready just yet.

This ^^

OP you are clearly very upset at the moment, but your post does not come across well at all. Give yourself time to get over your loss and then review your circumstances when things are calmer.

Nicki

Your post didn't come across that way to me loztredders, and having suffered losses myself, I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this position. There is a great and very supportive miscarriage thread on this forum, so you might get more empathetic and sympathetic responses if you repost there.

Most women having children rely on either statutory maternity pay from their employer or on maternity allowance if they have not worked for sufficient weeks with the same employer (but have enough qualifying working weeks in place). So needing this financial support is nothing unusual or to be criticised for, and the fact that you are considering whether you can afford a child without this funding in place, rather than just recklessly trying to conceive with no thought on how you will cope financially shows if anything that you are ready to look after a family.

All I can suggest is that you use the waiting time to prepare for your next pregnancy. Perhaps start taking pre-natal vitamins and getting yourself in tip top physical shape, and start putting any extra money you have aside for a baby fund, so that when life looks up and you can start trying to conceive again, you have a little nest egg to buy the baby equipment you want. I know though that that isn't a complete answer. I think there is a waiting to try to conceive thread on here too, where there are other ladies who want to start families but can't just at the moment, so there may be some welcoming people over there too who can share how you feel.

codemonkey

Heffi1 wrote: »

I am sorry to hear of your loss.


Your post comes across quite badly though, it seems to speak of benefits and money as the reason to bring a child into the world. Surely that is not the reason is it? You would have this child for ever, if you think that you need to rely on state handouts in order to have a child, then I suggest you are both not ready just yet.

I didn't take it like that. I read it as the OP being upset over her miscarriage and frustrated that they will have to wait to try again while some people just have babies and rely on benefits.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss but I think the fact you are willing to wait until you're in a position to financially support your child reflects very well upon you. Try not to lose heart - you never know what's around the corner. Being unemployed is difficult. I still remember the blow of receiving rejection letter after rejection letter. Being unemployed whilst knowing it is postponing your dream must feel intolerable. But this is just a hump in the road and things will get better.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You're still hurting. That's not the best time to be trying again, partly because you're grieving and angry and partly because it adds a time and money pressure to it. Which means being able to comfort each other and make love can change into an angry, desperate 'it's got to happen NOW' or even, what's the point of doing this if it's not going to result in a baby?


You need time. Even if you think you don't, it appears from your posts that you do.

These things happen. They're horrible and desperately sad. And you need time to get through the physical, hormonal and emotional upheaval.


I wish you well.

Heffi1

Nicki wrote: »

All I can suggest is that you use the waiting time to prepare for your next pregnancy. Perhaps start taking pre-natal vitamins and getting yourself in tip top physical shape, and start putting any extra money you have aside for a baby fund, so that when life looks up and you can start trying to conceive again, you have a little nest egg to buy the baby equipment you want. I know though that that isn't a complete answer. I think there is a waiting to try to conceive thread on here too, where there are other ladies who want to start families but can't just at the moment, so there may be some welcoming people over there too who can share how you feel.

This is the important thing, I was not being horrible to you, I was hoping you would see that to have a child is a lifetime commitment, and if you are planning to do this, then have some savings in place before you do. Children are expensive and as they get older get more expensive.


I think people should only consider having children when they can afford to do so, if the Government of the day decided to withdraw all benefits for kids, then could you manage on your own. If the answer is yes, then go ahead, if No then you have to ask yourself how you will manage if you hit a bump in the road and incur additional expenses to your budget, because at the end of the day those kids still need feeding and clothing, so what will you give up if the worst should happen.


Obviously this is all hypothetical, but hopefully you get my point that the worst case scenario should be planned for and hope that it does not happen.

gsymoo

You wrote it was only last month. That's not that long ago so its understandable that you're depressed and hurting still.

I miscarried at 12 weeks (found out at the scan) and a month later I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened and also wanting to be angry with someone or something as I felt there had to be blame for something so awful to of happened.

Take care of yourself, its still early days and wishing you all the best.

Buffythedebtslayer

I didn't think your post came across badly at all! I understand from friends that life/work/money/childcare/ all put pressure on when to have a baby, plus for most of my friends the pressure of time frame being shorter due to age, waiting for the perfect storm so to speak was awful. One friend has a six month window in which to get pregnant when she returns home from working abroad and is already worried.


Plus dealing with massive sadness and grief. I am so sorry for your loss XX


One thing I will say, one friend of mine was very skint sans maternity pay or job, all a bit grim but she managed. We still don't know how! but she did it.


I don't have much advice but please take care of yourself XXX

mum2one

I just wanted to send a big hug, at the moment your hormones are racing around, and to honest I think you need to time to grieve.

Money wise, are any of us really ready to have a baby, if people had told me at 30 I was young (ish), free and single working in mgt, I would have laughed, I couldn't balance my figures, but my 31st birthday I was 3 mths gone, off work work due to morning sickness, I managed, you do somehow and your be surprised at how much help people give you.

It sounds job wise your in an area where its s majority of seasonal work, is there any care homes they usually want staff,

Please take care, and seek advice and help, whether thats miscarriage support or depression, your get there xxx