I keep thinking it can't get any worse, and then it does...

geminilady

Gigglepig wrote: »

It is not strange that you are both exhausted and stressed. MH issues can be very tough, not only on the sufferer but on the family as well. A MH charity or perhaps health services could point you in the direction of where to get practical advice and counselling for you and your OH in how to best cope with the situation. I am not talking general relationship counselling, but advice on how to cope with a family member with severe MH issues.

It may also help your OH accept and possibly be more sympathetic if your DD has a MH diagnosis, which although it may not change much, can at least explain some of her behaviour and why you are having difficulties relating with her. And a clarification of what might improve (in the long run) with treatment, and what just is as it is.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that the baby needs to come first - I am so glad you are putting her first, it is the right thing to do even though it may break your heart.

I can understand your OH's temptation to walk away from the problems but fact is, you have a daughter with MH issues, and a baby who needs you. You are clearly a decent person, who takes your family responsibilities very seriously. That is probably part of what your OH likes about you - if you were willing to turn your back on them you would no longer be the same person, would you?

You are the first poster to mention the DD'S mental health problems,people seem to be thinking it is just a problem daughter.As you said she may improve when she has the correct treatment.If the OP's partner does walk away then he is not "the love of her life"if he was he would be there for her no matter what.

geminilady

determined_new_ms wrote: »

He has said he can't take 'anymore'. He says we need to stop talking about dd and all the problems which come with her. He has said we should consider the option not really mentioned, that we move away and break contact with dd.

If it is a choice between him & dgd then we will part ways

What if it is a choice between him and dd as that is what he is suggesting?

duchy

geminilady wrote: »

What if it is a choice between him and dd as that is what he is suggesting?

Well it isn't is it



It's a choice between him and dgd - which is not the same thing at all

At the moment DD has PR so she and dgd are a package -however that may not always be the case.

Lone_Northern_Lass

Somebody up-thread asked whether dgd has a Social Worker. It sounds to me like dgd is an open case to a social-work team. Ask them whether you are being, or should be, assessed under Regulation 24 and whether any financial support can be offered by the social-work department in relation to this. (Regulation 24 is to do with kinship carers - friends and family - being assessed as temporary foster carers for a specific child or children only - in your case dgd.)

If you haven't done so already, it would be worth finding out if you can get your own legal advice in relation to the situation with dgd. Ask dgd's social worker for a list of local solicitors who deal with family law (they can't recommend a specific solicitor, but can give you a list of who there is) and get in touch with one of them to ask about your options. (Ask also about costs. Legal aid has been slashed in the past couple of years, but if dgd's case is on the brink of Care Proceedings, which it sounds like it might be, then you may still qualify for free legal advice.)

In relation to the tensions with your husband and with daughter - apologies if I am telling you things you already know and you've tried all this already - but it sounds like the best option is having really clear boundaries with dd in order to limit the strain she can put on you and your OH. So, tell dd that you love her and want the best for her, but that she can't just do whatever she wants - you need to look out for dgd and yourself and OH as well. Therefore, she must not come to your home - that is the safe base for you and dgd and OH where you can all relax and regroup away from dd. If dd comes to your house and won't go away when asked, you call the police to ask her to do so. If she phones and is abusive on the phone, you tell her that you love her but won't talk to her when she's being abusive, so she has the choice either to talk sensibly to you or to have you hang up and not answer her calls for a few hours - then if she keeps being abusive, you do hang up and stop answering her calls until at least the next day. If she emotionally blackmails you (e.g. threatening suicide if you don't do what she wants), you tell her that you would be devastated if she killed herself, but that you personally can't stop her doing that and you still won't put up with her being abusive and blackmailing you - make sure she has the phone numbers for the mental-health crisis team and the Samaritans and tell her that she needs to contact them if she is in crisis and suicidal, because they can help her better than you can at that point and you are worried that her contacting you when she is suicidal is a way of her trying to control you. If possible, discuss all these strategies with your OH and how you would like him to be on board with all of this - as it will hopefully give both of you more control over the situation and mean you are less at the mercy of her moods and behaviour.

Hope some of that might help. Take care of yourself. (I'm a children's social worker. Of course, a full assessment of your ability to bring up dgd until she's an adult is needed, but from what you've written on here it sounds like you are the best option in terms of who should be caring for dgd and it sounds like you are trying to do all the right things for dgd - but you need to take care of yourself in order to keep meeting dgd's needs - and you matter as well.)

Best wishes.

Lone Northern Lass

Lone_Northern_Lass

One more thought - the Family Rights Group - http://www.frg.org.uk/ - is a charity which can offer advice and support to people in your situation. I've never had much contact with them myself, but I believe they are very highly regarded by people who access their support (e.g. grandparents bringing up their grandchildren).

Lone_Northern_Lass

Sorry - I keep thinking of things to add!

You mention that you don't have PR for dgd currently, which is quite true, and suggest you're worried about e.g. dd not returning dgd after contact. Please discuss this with the social-work team. Although you don't have PR for dgd, it sounds like the agreed plan for safeguarding / protection of dgd is that dgd lives with you. You should have the phone number for both dgd's social-work team and the out-of-hours Emergency Duty social work Team. Dgd's social-work notes should make it clear that she is meant to be living with you and that there would be serious concerns for her welfare if she were to be in dd's care for more than a contact session. If dd is ever refusing to return dgd to your care, especially if she is presenting as unstable and not in a fit state to care for dgd, then you need to contact the social-work department (dgd's own social-work team in office hours or Emergency Duty Team outside office hours) to tell them this. They and the police will try to persuade dd to return dgd to your care. The possible outcomes are: (1) faced with a social worker and police officer, dd agrees to return dgd to your care, (2) dd doesn't agree to return dgd to your care but there is evidence that dgd is at immediate risk of harm so the police use something called 'police protection' to move dgd from dd and return her to you, (3) there are no grounds to move dgd immediately under police protection, but the social-work team know that dgd staying with dd for very long at all would put her at high risk of harm so they ask for the court proceedings to be speeded up (i.e. for a first court hearing to be held within a few days) and the care plan presented at court is that dgd comes back to you immediately.

You are correct that you don't have PR, but it sounds very much like there is social-work involvement and an agreement by the social-work team that the best place for dgd to be is with you - in which case, you do have more leverage to keep dgd in your overall care than would be the case if you'd just decided on a whim to take dgd from her mother. You shouldn't have to be worrying that dd could swan off with dgd and set up home with her again for weeks or months at a time - because it sounds like things are far gone enough that the social-work team just would not let that happen. As I say, please discuss it with dgd's own social-work team - make sure you have their phone numbers and the Emergency Duty Team phone numbers to hand - check whether it is written in dgd's social-work notes that she should be living with you until further notice / court proceedings, and so on, as hopefully these things will put your mind at rest somewhat on that front.

Take care

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Just as an aside - I've always found it quite remarkable the number of women with such issues who claim to be pregnant with twins right up to the point that people start asking, out of interest, whether they've got their scan photo on them. Or they've actually been made an appointment for the clinic (like the ones I worked in).

It's almost as though they miscarry (and never require any medical attention) the instant they could potentially prove what they are saying isn't a barefaced lie intended to manipulate their partners or families. Or is planned to justify non compliance with medication.

Strange, that. Especially when it's almost always twins. Unless somebody they know has also said they're pregnant with twins. Then there seem to be quite a few instances of triplets.



Seems like the issue isn't your granddaughter as much as it is worrying about your daughter and talking about it all the time. Sounds hard, but perhaps agreeing to not engage with her, set up your own arrangements for childminding/babysitting for a break that she knows nothing about and not replying to any messages might be the way forward until such time as she is receiving proper care and support and is more stable mentally and practically.

determined_new_ms

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm really grateful for the support.

Lone Northern Lass thank you for taking the time to give such thoughtful responses, your posts are particularly helpful & reassuring. In response yes dgd has a social work team. Initially she was under the duty team who have been involved for the first 3 months, but now she has been transferred over to the longer term team. I was much happier with the relationship with the previous SW, she was more experienced, had more understanding of the need to work together and share certain information. My dd is given to splitting teams/professionals & me. We all hear variations of stories and it is important to ensure we share to clarify what is really going on.

The new SW seems inexperienced and I have little confidence she is going to be able to work with my dd as she is a complex person and can be extremely difficult. She has said things to me that have caused me to be upset (for example the previous sw said they were preparing for a number of possible scenarios for dgd. Returning to dd, staying with us, but they also need to consider options c & d. Clearly we know what she means by that but it is said in a gentle way. The new social worker told me they are considering dgd's next steps be that being returning to dd, adoption or staying with us. The way she said this caused me a lot of distress. I told her she wasn't being put up for adoption and she told me it wasn't mine or my dd's decision it would be a judge's). I am told I can't have information as I do not have PR.

I have been told that my dgd's case is child in need rather than child protection as while she is with us they know she is safe. They have said if she is returned to dd then it will be immediately escalated to CP. I have also been advised if she is due to go to see dd and if I feel dd is unstable and dgd is at risk then I shouldn't let her take dgd, call the Police & SW team if this happens. I am unsure if the assessments taking place mean SS are on the brink of care proceedings? I was told this week the support being put in for my dd will not go on indefinitely if she does not engage. They are planning to concurrently assess both my dd's parenting skills as well as ours over the next 3 months.

We have asked about financial support to help with childcare costs (I work ft) but have been told as my dd left her here with a note it is a private arrangement so we won't get any. I have been sent a template letter to send the LA from FRG to challenge this. Time and anxiety about rocking the boat is making me hold back on this.

The advice re boundaries is helpful, if hard to put into practice. My dd is getting herself into such awful situations it is hard for me to be consistent in this. There is a lot of emotional blackmail and I question everything I do. I would like to stop her coming to our house, as even if things don't kick off we are anxious when she's around that her mood will change. But it feels so wrong to reject her in this way. My oh doesn't want her to come here, and has put his foot down that she cannot stay overnight as this often ends badly.

I have a lot of internal conflict about not being able to cope with my dd and wanting to not be around her because her behaviours make me feel so bad, to feeling so desperately sorry for the situation she is in and not wanting to abandon her.

Financially things are hard because of the childcare costs. My dd does give me £65 pw towards this from her benefits. Shortly before dgd came to us I lost my job during a restructure and have taken a job with a lower income, approx £500 pm. We can afford the general costs but are up to our limit so there is the continual stress of things changing (dd deciding to stop giving us the childcare contributions) or the unexpected...

determined_new_ms

I could write a book on all of the complex feelings involved in this situation. My oh finds the loss of freedom hard (as well as the feeling that our lives will continually be at the mercy of my dd's poor decisions). I am trying to put a support network in place for us so we can have a break from time to time. However given my dgd has had such a rocky start to life and has had some significant changes I do not want to make her feel insecure.

My bff has said she will have dgd overnight 1 night a month and has yesterday sent a text saying they will have her next Friday night. However initially my dd was having her Friday's while we were at work and over night. This broke down about a month ago and she just didn't show up or answer any of my calls. The CM now doesn't have a space for her on a Friday so it is very insecure at the moment, I have 3 friends who are able to help with Friday's (one is a friend of my dd's who my dgd has had a relationship with her and her ds since being born, so I am keen to keep this relationship for her) but my worry is my dgd will feel pushed from pillar to post if she is with 1 person through the day and then goes to another for the evening