I keep thinking it can't get any worse, and then it does...

determined_new_ms

I've posted on here about the troubles I have with my dd. For the past 2 years I have thought she has a mental health problem. I've been through hell & back with her for years. 3 months ago we took custody of our dgd (she's 14 months now), I was seriously worried about the neglect & emotional abuse she was going through.

My dd has now seen the Mental Health team and is due to see the consultant on Tuesday. They believe she has a serious MH problem.

In the 3 months we have had dgd things with my dd have gone from bad to worse, her relationship with her bf has now become violent, she is homeless, contact has dwindled and she doesn't turn up and then becomes really low & misses her and demands to see her, last weekend she was threatening to commit suicide, she was pregnant with twins and tells me she has miscarried.

We are at the brink of what we can afford financially, we are exhausted with having a 1 year old and never having anytime for our relationship (she's adorable and I wouldn't give her up for anything but it is hard to go from being a couple without children to having a toddler full time!). We are going to be assessed by social services over the next 3 months to see if we can keep her.

Now last night me & my oh had a heart to heart and he has said he is at the limit of what he can take and if things get worse he will have to walk away from our relationship. He says he's not thinking this is what he is going to do, but if he does he will stay with me until after we have got the court order to secure dgd's place with me and he will let me keep the house & will have dgd sometimes to help out. It sounds like he has decided this is what he is going to do...

I just don't know how I will get over this final blow if that's what is going to happen. He is without doubt the love of my life and I have built my life around our relationship. How much more can go wrong?

BrassicWoman

oh hon, that does sound exhausting! Have a wee hug.

I'm guessing it is not OHs biological children? It's a tough ask going from seeing a single woman with few ties, to becoming a dad!

It also sounds like you are letting DD play you a bit - like you are "on call" for her and when she chooses to see her kids? That can also be very wearing. Is that how the situation feels to you, or have I picked it up wrong?

cheepskate_2

So sorry to hear things are difficult at the moment.

What I will say is: financially, If it is just the cost of baby, then love is better than anything financial.

There are Freecycle in all areas, where people will offer or you can ask for things for baby, this keeps your cost down to near zero. Baby does not have to have new things and a lot of what is given on freecycle is good condition.

Are you claiming benefits for the baby, Child benefit, Tax credits if your entitled to them.

You can also ask SS for , I think it is called kinship, worth a try , and cant say whether you will get anything.

As to the stress ,both you and your husband are suffering, What is giving you the biggest stress.......What is the least( sometimes with a little bit of work the least stress can be erradicated leaving you to try to find solutions to the larger stresses.)

As another poster says, Your daughter seems to be controlling you atm, thus causing her drama to fall into yours as well.

Hope we on MSE can help you through this

determined_new_ms

Thanks for replying BW. dd is mine, oh & I have been together 7 years. He has stuck by me through thick & thin & we have experienced a lot of stress in the time we have been together.

Yes to some degree it is like that. We can't rely on dd to have dgd when she says, then she goes through a crisis and demands to see her. On the one hand when she wants her we could do with a break and on the other, until it gets to a point where we go to court and are granted an order we don't have any parental rights. If dd is unstable then if I think dgd isn't safe with dd I can call the Police but other than that she has the PR

Northern78

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it. I can't imagine going from having to freedom to do what you like to having a toddler especially when you've done your stint as a parent. I have one of my own and one on the way and it's a daunting task albeit our choice!

Like previous posters have said your DD is taking the mickey, it sounds like you've done all you can so now you need to look at things from yours, your partners and your dgd point of view. Like someone already said freecycle can be a great source for tangible items but at the end of the day your dgd will remember the love and time you give her more.

Not sure what area of the country you're in but if you google respite for grandparents raising grandchildren it brings up some support groups. Maybe it will help to speak to people who have been this position.

I hope you and your partner can sort things out.

BrassicWoman

You need to focus on you, OH, and DGD and I am afraid DD is an adult and will have to look out for herself.

If you can find a way to remove the stress from DD would OH be a happy parent?

If he doesn't, which is the priority - him or DGD?

It sounds like some couples counselling to help you work through these issues would help.

Does DD have a social worker? Are you speaking to them?

balletshoes

i too wish you all the best OP. My mum has done a similar thing for the past 4 years, it is exhausting, it takes up your energy and your time, and although she wouldn't have it any other way because its absolutely the best thing for her granddaughter, its turned her life upside down, at a time when she thought she'd be slowing down and doing her own thing.

I think you need to focus on getting the legalities out of the way for the best interests of your granddaughter, and then take it from there.

determined_new_ms

He has said he can't take 'anymore'. He says we need to stop talking about dd and all the problems which come with her. He has said we should consider the option not really mentioned, that we move away and break contact with dd.

If it is a choice between him & dgd then we will part ways

BrassicWoman

I can see his point of view; this is probably not what he signed up for, and it sounds like DD and her problems are running both of your lives.

Who do you have to talk to about what you want and need, that is outside of the situation?

Is DDs dad on the scene at all?

BrassicWoman

This is an amazing thread btw by a very strong lady - have you had a read?

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4856227

Gigglepig

It is not strange that you are both exhausted and stressed. MH issues can be very tough, not only on the sufferer but on the family as well. A MH charity or perhaps health services could point you in the direction of where to get practical advice and counselling for you and your OH in how to best cope with the situation. I am not talking general relationship counselling, but advice on how to cope with a family member with severe MH issues.

It may also help your OH accept and possibly be more sympathetic if your DD has a MH diagnosis, which although it may not change much, can at least explain some of her behaviour and why you are having difficulties relating with her. And a clarification of what might improve (in the long run) with treatment, and what just is as it is.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that the baby needs to come first - I am so glad you are putting her first, it is the right thing to do even though it may break your heart.

I can understand your OH's temptation to walk away from the problems but fact is, you have a daughter with MH issues, and a baby who needs you. You are clearly a decent person, who takes your family responsibilities very seriously. That is probably part of what your OH likes about you - if you were willing to turn your back on them you would no longer be the same person, would you?