gay couple - is this domestic abuse?

1DayAAT

my wife and i have been batting this around for the past week but can't seem to agree, so just wanted some input out of interest from some other folk.

our best friends are a gay couple, they have been together since 2011 and live together - one is 32 and one is 44. lets call them C and R, respectively.
R year old can be quite 'grumpy' and is known to be a bit of a miserable wotsit, but when we spent last weekend with them, we saw a different side to the way he treats C.

for example, my wife and i were sitting in the back of their car, R was driving and C in passenger seat. they squabble a lot and sometimes this is done in 'jest' but on this occasion what started in jest flared up in to R shouting very angrily at C and physically grabbing his hand very hard to move it, also whacking him hard on the leg (both done to 'make a point' during the argument). we also witnessed R come very close to C's face in anger and the rage was very intense - and IMO hugely unjustified as C had not really provoked anything that serious.

C was visibly upset but quite dismissive of it when we asked him about it later. he did not seem unduly bothered by any of it so just wondering if this is acceptable - we aren't going to poke our noses in but not sure laying hands on someone is ever a good situation.

RAS

The basic response is " If you saw the same happen between a couple of opposite sexes, would you consider it abuse?"

1DayAAT

RAS wrote: »

The basic response is " If you saw the same happen between a couple of opposite sexes, would you consider it abuse?"

personally no but my wife thinks yes.
i think men are more likely to be physical with each other in this way without it being construed as abusive and may just be something normal in their relationship.

Yorkie1

Hitting someone and physically fronting up to them is abuse in my book, irrespective of whether the person on the receiving end of views it as such or wants to make anything of it.

The official classification of domestic abuse / violence is:

"Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:

• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotional

Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim".

marisco_2

Any reasoned and balanced adult doesn't need to lash out physically or verbally at anyone, nor invade their space in a blind rage, in order to get their point across. Most people would walk away from and not give the time of day to someone behaving so out of control. You should be able to expect your life partner to treat you better than anyone else. If C has any sense he will kick R's bullying butt to the kerb and find someone who treats him with respect.

Mojisola

1DayAAT wrote: »

C was visibly upset but quite dismissive of it when we asked him about it later. he did not seem unduly bothered by any of it so just wondering if this is acceptable - we aren't going to poke our noses in but not sure laying hands on someone is ever a good situation.

It wouldn't be acceptable to me but couples do set their own standards about how they live. If he's not bothered, it might just be the way they are.

One couple I know snipe at each other and moan about each other all the time but their relationship is very strong. I couldn't live with the constant bickering but they don't seem to mind.

If you see signs that it's getting worse or that C is reacting differently to it, you may want to offer some support - it depends how well you know the couple.

Errata

If they're your best friends what stopped you from saying "woah - hang on a minute mate and calm down" when things started getting a bit physical?

Buzzybee90

I'd say no.

Everyone has different relationships.

ciderwithrosie_2

Errata wrote: »

If they're your best friends what stopped you from saying "woah - hang on a minute mate and calm down" when things started getting a bit physical?

Exactly - I'd have had to say something at the time, or were you more worried about being turfed out of the car?

PuzzledDave

Abusive ? Think it depends:

Was this a one-off event ? Then, hard to see how it could be considered abuse. An 'abusive' incident perhaps.

Was this a regular event ? Then absolutely that's abuse.

I certainly wouldn't put up with from my spouse nor would they put up with from me (even a single event of this type of aggression). Scratch spouse even, wouldn't put up with that from a friend/relation/parent/co-worker or do that to someone else unless right there and then I was ready to burn my bridges with that person forever.... and tbh I cannot see myself doing that then regardless of anything someone else could say.

Janepig

In the eyes of the law, if an offence was committed, ie, if one partner hit the other partner, who then reported it to the Police, and they are in a relationship, then it is classed as domestic abuse and treated the same as if they were a heterosexual couple. I've had experience of the Courts dealing with violence between same sex partners and the cases have been heard in dedicated domestic abuse Courts.

Jx