Having the money coversation with my wife again!

midlander81

Spent 3 hours in the car with my wife today and the conversation turned to money and debts!!


As I have stated in my previous posts, we both know that we are in quite a bit of debt at the moment (£40kish as of last month) but I take care of the money and payments etc.


The debts aren't a secret and my wife knows that we owed over 30K at our highest point although I have never told her the exact figure. The vast majority of the debt is in my name and luckily we are in a position to allow us to clear it by Christmas 2016. She knows that I have credit card debts that are in 'double figures' but I find it hard to say " I owe 20K on credit cards" and she never asks for a grand total. ( the 20K cards form part of our overall 40K debt - it's not additional debt)


So, in the car my wife was talking about some friend of ours who are having some financial difficulties and how she is pleased that I have our debt under control. We talked a little about how long it will be until ours are cleared and I asked her if she wanted me to get a copy of our credit reports for her to see. She told me that it was unnecessary and that she trusted me to sort it out.


I don't know why but I always feel uncomfortable after these conversations and feel like I need to be more open. I just find it so hard to say " we owe 40K" even though she knows that we owed 30K. Her attitude is that if it's being sorted then there is nothing to worry about so why am I still worried?


Bloody money!!!!

7roland8

I think its probably because you would like to tell her and have it all out in the open, but in effect by her attitude she is stopping you doing that.


I handle our affairs and my hubby is like your wife - happy to leave it all to me. But I do tell him how much we owe etc - whether he wants to hear it or not. I know at times I have bored him with card details etc but I feel he has a right/duty to know - as I am not spending my time sorting it all out for fun and think it should be shared.


Mind you if you can handle it and clear it no problem then I don't see why you are worried - but you would obviously like to unburden yourself I think.

midlander81

7roland8 wrote: »

I think its probably because you would like to tell her and have it all out in the open, but in effect by her attitude she is stopping you doing that.


I handle our affairs and my hubby is like your wife - happy to leave it all to me. But I do tell him how much we owe etc - whether he wants to hear it or not. I know at times I have bored him with card details etc but I feel he has a right/duty to know - as I am not spending my time sorting it all out for fun and think it should be shared.


Mind you if you can handle it and clear it no problem then I don't see why you are worried - but you would obviously like to unburden yourself I think.

Hi thanks for posting


The debt is under control so I am not overly worried about our ability to pay it back, I think that I am just so ashamed over our debt level that I find it hard to say the actual amount, even to my wife. She wasn't massively shocked or alarmed when she knew that it was over 30K so I don't suppose the full amount would shock her ( I though it was 35K ish until I added it up properly and reached the awful 40K figure - It's just under that now)


My wife's attitude is that if its being sorted then whats the problem so I know that I just need to get on with it and stop worrying. She knows we are in debt so I will always answer any questions honestly if she asks how much etc

quidsy

I suppose my main worry would be if she understands HOW you got into so much debt. If it was in part to her wanting a better lifestyle than your current income allows & IF she was still spending the same as in the past then I might be inclined to have a more involved talk about how & why you got this much debt & how excess spending will extend the time it will take to repy. But if she was onboard with being more frugal, cutting costs & supporting your efforts to repay then I would leave it beyond updates on when you have paid something or another off or moved down a debt bracket.

But if you feel you wan to her to know more, then tell her. if her indifference is bothing you or if you feel you are carrying the burden of the debt (and regardless of whether youc an afford to repay, it IS a burden) then tell her you feel she should carry some too, at least to enable you to have more open discussions about it if you feel overwhelmed.

Hooloovoo

A debt of £30k at its "highest point" but that is now £40k doesn't sound like it's under control to me.

I'd echo quidsy. You say most of the debt is in your name, but who's debt is it really? Who racked it up and where did all the money go? If it's really your wife's debt then I'd be having a much more open and stronger talk.

bsms1147

midlander81 wrote: »

...and luckily we are in a position to allow us to clear it by Christmas 2016.

Does this mean you're paying off nearly £2,000 a month, or that you plan (hope?) to be in line for a significant windfall?

blisteringblue

I know exactly what you mean midlander. We tried to snowball for 3 years when our debt was in the low 40's as we still had access to 0% figured a couple more would be ok as we are working on it would be perfect. 20 months later, all were maxed out, the snowballing hit a wall and low 40's turned out to be 60K !!

Coupled with the fact Mrs BB was at Uni part time she needed more time for this so left her job and now only gets some agency hours so it was proper fan and hitting of the sh1te time.

I've always been totally honest though with the totals. I do the finances (badly I know) but I'm possibly the worse liar in the world it would never stay hidden :A

However it's all worked out brilliantly for us. I've a good wage so pretty much based the DMP on that (joint as it was my wifes access to credit that gave us the last few 0%s as she had none previously). So anything the wife earns from agency is a little extra spending and her quality of life is a million times better, with time to study and several days off in the week. The knock on is immense as a family quality too.

OK we're now credit lepers for at least 10 years (not a bad thing though) but our mountain reduces by almost 2% a month and the creditors all seem quite happy so proper happy days.

PinkPoppies

I would tell her. You'll pay it off more quickly if you are both in control and working as a team.

This isn't the first time you have posted about not being completely comfortable with your wife not knowing the full extent of your debt so it is obviously bothering you- get it out in the open and move forwards together.

It doesn't matter whose name the debt is in- presumably you have both benefited equally from the money that has been spent and will BOTH need to make changes to your spending in order to clear your debt and remain debt free once it is paid off.

I was in a similar situation to your wife not so long ago- although the reality of our debt was a bitter pill to swallow we are doing so much better now that we are both taking full responsibility for our spending, and I'm sure the weight on my husbands shoulders feels a bit lighter now too which I am glad of.

longtermplanner

PinkPoppies wrote: »

I would tell her. You'll pay it off more quickly if you are both in control and working as a team.

I think this is really important. You got into the debt together I assume, you both need to get out of it together.

40k is a serious pile of debt to clear in just over 2 years. Can you really do it? Or do you mean that by Xmas '16 it will be down to 'only' £18,000 or so at which point you can stop worrying about it....

cavework

Your wife is burying her head in the sand... My OH had a very decent income and he managed all our accounts. I let him as although we dipped into the overdraft every month, everything got paid ..
I was happily oblivious to what we owed
Then he lost his job..30k a year and 60..
Suddenly I HAD to take some responsibility for the debt we had accrued and suddenly it was my small income that meant we had to keep our heads above water..
I joined this site .. we sat down together and although I felt sick and stupid I faced up to the debt we BOTH owed..
It has taken 7 years to get out of debt ..we even put the house up for sale when we were at our lowest but I fought to keep it and we did..( with the help of people on here)
Your wife really needs to know all the details about the debts owing, it's not fair on either of you to keep up this pretence that everything is OK..

ALou19

I think you may need to use shock tactics.

Whilst she may know you owe that sort of money seeing it there in black and white with her name attached to it may bring it home and help her understand more.

I'm the one in our house who sorts payments etc and my other half couldn't understand why I stress out when he goes and orders takeaways when we have been shopping that very day. So last month I sat him down and showed him our incoming and outgoing. Needless to say he got the picture and has since been more cautious.

Not only that but having him on board and understanding what is to be paid out has took a little stress off myself, maybe you need that too.