Having the money coversation with my wife again!

midlander81

Hooloovoo wrote: »

A debt of £30k at its "highest point" but that is now £40k doesn't sound like it's under control to me.

I'd echo quidsy. You say most of the debt is in your name, but who's debt is it really? Who racked it up and where did all the money go? If it's really your wife's debt then I'd be having a much more open and stronger talk.

Hi, thanks for posting. I should've explained that part in more detail... When the LBM moment happened I knew that we owed 35K ish and this was when I had the initial conversation with my wife. It wasn't until I sat down with statements etc and calculated the debt accurately that I realised that it was higher!!

midlander81

bsms1147 wrote: »

Does this mean you're paying off nearly £2,000 a month, or that you plan (hope?) to be in line for a significant windfall?

Hi


Our payments are currently £1650 although £200 is 'lost' In interest. The rests of our CC's are currently0 0% and our loan payment already include the interest as it was front loaded at the start of the loan. There is absolutely no reason why we can't do this. The only thing that will spoil it is me/us

midlander81

longtermplanner wrote: »

I think this is really important. You got into the debt together I assume, you both need to get out of it together.

40k is a serious pile of debt to clear in just over 2 years. Can you really do it? Or do you mean that by Xmas '16 it will be down to 'only' £18,000 or so at which point you can stop worrying about it....

Hi, plan is to have it all cleared by Christmas 2016 although I must admit I will be happy when it is at a more acceptable level!!

in_need_of_direction

I really think she's being unfair to you. It appears to me that this is your struggle whereas you both ran up the debt. Even from the point of view that she needs to know in case you were ill, etc. I'd sit her down and set it out in black and white including how it will be cleared. It may make her generate some savings to speed up the process

midlander81

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

I really think she's being unfair to you. It appears to me that this is your struggle whereas you both ran up the debt. Even from the point of view that she needs to know in case you were ill, etc. I'd sit her down and set it out in black and white including how it will be cleared. It may make her generate some savings to speed up the process

Hi, thanks for posting. I don't think that she is intentionally placing the burden on me. I tend to take over a bit and I guess that she has just let me get on with it!! There are other aspects of our life that she takes control of although I do agree with you that there needs to be a better degree of communication and I am definitely going to work on this.

longtermplanner

I think it's normal for each member of a couple to have the household tasks they specialise in. My partner cooks, I do most of the washing. My partner keeps our elaborate IT set-up running (it's her day job) and I deal with our finances (that's mine).

However, I don't need to know how to make a cake, but my partner does need to have a clear idea what our budget is, how much she can spend on different household things etc even though finances are my task.

If you are scared to show her the black and white numbers, perhaps wait a couple of months? If all goes to plan, you can show her how the scary number is dropping each month. If it's not quite on track, then she probably has to be involved to make it work!

midlander81

longtermplanner wrote: »

I think it's normal for each member of a couple to have the household tasks they specialise in. My partner cooks, I do most of the washing. My partner keeps our elaborate IT set-up running (it's her day job) and I deal with our finances (that's mine).

However, I don't need to know how to make a cake, but my partner does need to have a clear idea what our budget is, how much she can spend on different household things etc even though finances are my task.

If you are scared to show her the black and white numbers, perhaps wait a couple of months? If all goes to plan, you can show her how the scary number is dropping each month. If it's not quite on track, then she probably has to be involved to make it work!

I think that's a good way to do it. Thinking perhaps after we have made Septembers payments as that will mean that we have paid around £4500 off the hideous starting total!

cavework

midlander81 wrote: »

Hi


Our payments are currently £1650 although £200 is 'lost' In interest. The rests of our CC's are currently0 0% and our loan payment already include the interest as it was front loaded at the start of the loan. There is absolutely no reason why we can't do this. The only thing that will spoil it is me/us

or ..you may become unemployed.. your wife may become unemployed ...maybe kids? .. either of you become ill.. or god forbid either of you suddenly drop dead.. OK you may have insurance up to the hilt but TBH and an old saying that still holds true
marriage is a partnership.. be honest and upfront now ..it will pay dividends in your future together
xx

maman

I handle most of the actual bill paying in our household as DH is happy to let me and I like doing it. What happens is DH transfers his share to me each month to cover DDs for utilities etc and then when the CC bills come I just tell him how much he needs to cough up for his share! I don't see a problem with who actually pays and does the finances. I think it matters that you have shared responsibility.


I'm sorry I haven't read any of your previous threads but I'm confused how this £40K of debt was run up in the first place. You may not have told your wife about the total but have you had the belt tightening conversation? Did she contribute to the spending and, if so, has she stopped? You say the debts are in your name but did you spend it all on yourself?


My worry is that you might end up in the same position again.

its_maths_not_magic

I just wanted to add that if you feel uncomfortable after these talks, then obviously you know you're either misleading her or in some other way not being 100% honest with her. That you feel guilt about it is a a good thing, you obviously love her and don't like to lie by omission. Having been in a relationship for going on 23 years now, one of the most important things that has kept our relationship thriving is complete honesty The main reason is that if you lie to someone, there is always that spot where you can't be close to or authentic with them because you are always self editing and trying not to get busted in a lie. These things wear away at a relationship like acid.

So if it were me, I would just give her the honest figure. If she's OK knowing the approximate figure, I doubt knowing the exact figure is going to lead to divorce or anything. Also, its good to say it out loud as confronting fears is the only way through them. Once you've said it out loud, it will probably lose its power over you.