Stupid I know... But feeling a bit sorry for myself

mrst58

Thank you for replies, no he's not my boss but a lot higher up than me and is in my office approx 3 times a week, we do have to communicate on those occasions though which is what I'm nervous about.
I wasn't embarrased about him, this was my first relationship after my marriage ended of which he knows that so am just alarmed by his reaction.
A few people already knew about us and I was okay with that, I think that I just wanted things to not be so out there so soon? People had guessed we were attracted to each other and those few that knew were genuinely happy for us!
This is all because of the sssshh incident, he said I made him feel stupid.

I can be polite and hold my head up high, I just want to stop feeling like an idiot for getting involved with someone who I think must have more insecurities than me..

Two years ago, I didn't know him then, he lost 10 stone in weight and is now obviously slim, single, liked by everyone, I think maybe dating me was an ego boost or a stepping stone to something better..

mountainofdebt

mrst58 wrote: »

Thank you for replies, no he's not my boss but a lot higher up than me and is in my office approx 3 times a week, we do have to communicate on those occasions though which is what I'm nervous about.
I wasn't embarrased about him, this was my first relationship after my marriage ended of which he knows that so am just alarmed by his reaction.
A few people already knew about us and I was okay with that, I think that I just wanted things to not be so out there so soon? People had guessed we were attracted to each other and those few that knew were genuinely happy for us!
This is all because of the sssshh incident, he said I made him feel stupid.

I can be polite and hold my head up high, I just want to stop feeling like an idiot for getting involved with someone who I think must have more insecurities than me..

Two years ago, I didn't know him then, he lost 10 stone in weight and is now obviously slim, single, liked by everyone, I think maybe dating me was an ego boost or a stepping stone to something better..

The bit I've highlighted really stands out for me and imo fbaby has it spot on

If there were people out there that knew of the situation then yes I can see why the ssssh incident made him stupid....it wasn't like it was a state secret and if you didn't rub it in people's faces then what was the problem in talking to him there and then?

As for insecurities well if we're talking about the lock changing saga you don't know if he's had bad experiences with ex's or whether
he's just being cautious.

And as for now considering yourself to be a 'stepping stone' now whose being insecure?

summerspring

Starting a romance in the workplace is a risky thing. You still have to see that person at work even after an acrimonious split. Having said that my brother and sister-in-law met at work so it clearly does work in some cases. It depends on how suited you both are and how maturely you can both handle it if the relationship does go belly-up.

summerspring

mountainofdebt wrote: »

The bit I've highlighted really stands out for me and imo fbaby has it spot on

If there were people out there that knew of the situation then yes I can see why the ssssh incident made him stupid....it wasn't like it was a state secret and if you didn't rub it in people's faces then what was the problem in talking to him there and then?

As for insecurities well if we're talking about the lock changing saga you don't know if he's had bad experiences with ex's or whether
he's just being cautious.

And as for now considering yourself to be a 'stepping stone' now whose being insecure?

It sounds like there might be insecurities on both sides. Maybe he thought there's a chance she'll be a bunny-boiler and he changed the locks just as a precaution, in case of trouble. I think if I split with someone after a nasty argument and they still had keys to my house I would be inclined to do the same.

Cyberman60

When I was much younger in my first main job, I made it a rule not to get involved with women at work after I had problems in my office after I finished with the girl. If it's only a fling, don't do it !!!

pmlindyloo

You're going through a period of vulnerability after your separation and, from what you have said, he seems pretty vulnerable to.

I am guessing it went something like this:

He tried to make arrangements for your next date, you shushed him and made him feel a prat (male ego and all that), he went out with his mates and they wound him up about your having a key and what dire consequences this might cause.

He went 'over the top' because he was feeling 'pis*ed off' and changed the locks.

This is all about male ego, vulnerability on his part and a lack of maturity.

Write him a letter and put your side of things. Keep it short and to the point and end with saying that you hope you can be professional and polite at work when you meet.

At least by writing you can put things straight and then he might feel a bit stupid and................

In the end we don't know you or him. He could be a complete prat or just vulnerable, immature and made a bad judgement.

Time will tell.

mountainofdebt

pmlindyloo wrote: »

He tried to make arrangements for your next date, you shushed him and made him feel a prat........ (

or made him feel like a schoolboy being told off by his teacher???

BrassicWoman

pmlindyloo wrote: »

This is all about male ego, vulnerability on his part and a lack of maturity.

Write him a letter

Don;t write him a letter. Ego shouldn't be pandered to or you'll be doing it all your life and he may even show his mates the letter if he;s that big a.. well, y'know.

mrst58

Hi, I'm not going pursue anything so not writing him a letter, he knows how I feel about him, I had told him previously that I wanted us to get to a comfortable place with each other before we went public and every other day he would text me and say hope you don't mind but I've told so an so etc, it would have been nice if I could have told people in my office in my own time but it wasn't to be.

I really just posted as I felt so stupid over it all, I'm not a child I'm in my 40's and just feel like a bit of an idiot..

I'm not a bunny boiler, I posted him the keys back and he text thanks and then admitted to changing the locks, he didn't need to tell me that. All I wanted was a face to face talk, clear the air, sort work etc.

Just feel,so stupid..

Flossie.

You're not a bunny boiler and he isn't a cold hearted b-word. As some have said already, it sounds like miscommunication on both sides.

He does seem to be massively over-reacting after the shhh incident, but he is obviously narked, so could you take him quietly aside and say sorry. You weren't in the wrong per se, as you were right in not wanting folk to know, but he clearly was wounded, so why not be the bigger person?

Seems odd though to give someone the keys to your house/flat only 8 weeks into the relationship. How come he gave them to you that soon anyway?

I think if you don't apologise, for shhh-ing him, then it's over. If you do, he may be OK. It's your call. Depends how much you want to be with him.

If you don't want to say sorry and aren't that bothered, then you will just have to give him a wide berth at work, until he realises you're not bothered about the two of you anymore, and hopefully, it will blow over.